Morrison & Foerster LLP

Apparently your ability to provide excellent client service rises when you’re acting like a tool. Who knew?

2013 Biglaw Bonuses: An ATL Infographic comparing first-year bonuses and law firm profits per partner.

Which law firm prevailed in our 2013 holiday card contest?

What can be said about associate bonuses for MoFo in New York?

* After its patent battle in the courts, Apple wants Samsung to pay for a portion of MoFo’s legal fees. When you think of it, $15.7 million is a rather piddling amount when full freight is $60 million. [The Recorder]

* Say goodbye to your pensions! As it turns out, law review articles aren’t so useless after all. Detroit’s foray into Chapter 9 eligibility is the brainchild of a Jones Day partner and associate duo. [Am Law Daily]

* It must be really stressful to plan a wedding when your defamation victory is on appeal to the Sixth Circuit. The latest chapter in the Sarah Jones v. TheDirty.com case could mean curtains for online speech. [AP]

* When it comes to their credit ratings, stand-alone law schools are getting screwed due to their inability to put asses in their empty seats. Four out of five schools profiled could be in big trouble. Which ones? [WSJ Law Blog (sub. req.)]

* “You need to not dress like that.” TMZ’s attorney, Jason Beckerman, is an alumnus of Kirkland & Ellis, and he was quickly advised by a producer that he needed to lose his lawyer duds. [California Lawyer]

* CeeLo Green, through his attorney, tells the judge and prosecutors in his criminal case to, um, Forget themselves. He’s miffed that the judge and prosecutors set up cameras during his arraignment and left themselves out of the shot creating a false impression of guilt. This marks the first time this guy didn’t want a camera fixated solely on him. [TMZ] * Samsung wants a mistrial in its case with Apple because Apple’s attorney, Harold McElhinny, implied in his closing argument that American-made jobs building TV sets moved overseas because companies failed to protect intellectual property. Samsung is arguing that this is racist. [Bloomberg] * Remember the matter of the attorney supposedly stalking a jury? Well, the judge has overturned the verdict over it. [Courthouse News Service] * A week in the life of a Biglaw litigation associate. It’s a decent list, but where were the Thursday Night Football and Netflix? You’ll see what I mean in the next story. [Big Law Rebel] * JPMorgan is awfully sorry for making the conscious decision to sell toxic securities that helped destroy the economy. “Our bad, y’all!” [Gawker] * The justices who penned Bush v. Gore shamelessly admitted how terrible the decision was by trying to claim it had no precedential value. Unfortunately, no one listened to them. [Mother Jones] * In addition to the many law firms that are contributing to Typhoon Haiyan relief efforts, several Asian-American lawyer groups are organizing a fundraising event this coming Monday. If you’re in New York, please consider attending! [Facebook; AABANY] * In sad news, the son of Ninth Circuit Judge Jay Bybee shot and killed himself in the courtyard of the LDS Temple in Henderson, NV. Our thoughts are with Judge Bybee and his family. [Las Vegas Review-Journal (gavel bang: Las Vegas Law Blog)]

* Man buys the house next to his ex-wife and installs a $7,000 bronze sculpture of a raised middle finger. Art that marries form and function. [The Daily Mail] * George Zimmerman’s been arrested again. Shocking. [Orlando Sentinel] * Judge Victor Marrero orders MF Global to pay over $1 billion to customers. Serves those MFs right. [CNBC] * The Second Circuit has punted on the question of whether defunct firms in New York have an ownership right to fees earned by former partners who took work to new firms. [Am Law Daily] * Howard Morris, the former co-chief executive of SNR Denton, is joining MoFo as the head of the bankruptcy and restructuring group in London. [DealBook / New York Times] * NBC has a new show about a criminal court judge who is a hard-living, sexually unapologetic woman. So basically a documentary about Justice O’Connor’s early years. [Deadline] * So Detroit might be the worst place to work. Even with that caveat, it’s hard to believe this ad seeking someone to do, “whatever other crazy type stuff this (bastard) lawyer of ours thinks up.” A screenshot is provided after the jump in case the ad comes down.… [Craigslist]

* Who are the real victims of insider trading? It’s the Duke brothers, duh. [DealBook / New York Times]

* Judge Ellen Huvelle has ordered the government to turn over to her an executive order that the feds claim is subject to executive privilege. Judge Huvelle rejected the administration’s argument that privilege exists because, “we don’t want to give it to you.” [Politico]

* Pepper Hamilton has joined the greener pastures of Silicon Valley, opening an office with three partners poached from Goodwin Proctor. [Reuters Legal (sub. req.)]

* Speaking of poaching, Martin Dunn, former deputy director of the SEC and O’Melveny partner is joining Morrison & Foerster. [The Blog of the Legal Times]

* And while we’re at it, M&A partner Sean Rodgers has left Simpson Thacher to merge with Kirkland & Ellis. [The AmLaw Daily]

* Publisher ALM (The American Lawyer, Corporate Counsel, The National Law Journal, The New York Law Journal) has a new technology partner and hopes to boost its readership. If they want to boost their readership, wouldn’t starting a new law school be a better investment? [Talking Biz News]

* Conservative groups are miffed about video of this Democratic party lawyer “attacking” a Republican at the polls and trying to “steal” an election. It seems like he put his hand over the lens of a camera phone, but sure, this is exactly like telling minorities the wrong day to vote. [Bearing Drift]

* The Amanda Knox case has a trade secret component as a battle rages over DNA testing technology. [Trade Secrets Watch / Orrick]

* After months of gains, the legal industry lost 900 jobs in October, just as some of the big state bar exam results came out. We imagine the folks who rallied for the 10-months-after-graduation employment statistic are as pleased as punch. [Am Law Daily]

* “How do we find a new inventory of high net worth clients?” The answer for Kelly Drye was really quite simple: it seems that pro athletes are willing to pay just about anything to keep themselves from going bankrupt. [Capital Business / Washington Post]

* “I don’t know why it’s better to use a bigger firm.” When it comes to the latest law firm mega-mergers, some say that it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean. [Wall Street Journal (sub. req.)]

* It’s like Groundhog Day for these Biglaw attorneys: Apple and Samsung are preparing for the “patent trial of the century,” part deux, and both MoFo and Quinn Emanuel have enlisted new lineups. [The Recorder]

* SAC Capital’s general counsel is okay, “[a]ll things considered.” His painful appendectomy is nothing compared to the $1.2 billion his hedge fund has to pay the government. [DealBook / New York Times]

* Ted Cruz might be an “AASS,” but he’s done at least one awesome thing in his life. He once drank so much Everclear that he completely ruined a play put on by the Harvard Law drama society. [Boston Globe]

* The Z-list actress who sued IMDb for revealing her age filed an appeal with the Ninth Circuit because hey, some of those judges are pretty old. Maybe they’ll sympathize. [Hollywood, Esq. / Hollywood Reporter]

* With all the focus on law schools, medical schools are quietly dropping the last year of schooling. If they can cut out a year of learning how to keep people alive, we can drop a year of learning Jane Austen and the Law. [The Atlantic] * MoFo lost a T&E team to Shartsis Friese. Hmm…. Maybe Shartsis should put ego aside and let Friese have his day in the sun. [Am Law Daily] * Congrats to Bayan Alzahran, the first licensed female lawyer in Saudi Arabia. Soon she’ll be valiantly trying to keep people from being stoned to death with the best of them. [Al Arabiya] * Good news, recovering criminals! As we mentioned earlier today (ninth link), mug shot extortion sites are getting whipped by Google. [Not-So Private Parts / Forbes] * God needs a lawyer in federal district court? Paging Roy Cohn. [Forbes] * If you’re interested in international law, International Law Weekend is coming up. Maybe Vladimir Putin will show up and learn a thing or two. [International Law Students Association]

MoFo stole all of Ho-Love's partners in Berlin, and Ho-Love isn't happy about it.

Above the Law readers are a classy bunch -- check out the winner of this year's summer associate event contest.

Which of these summer associate events is your favorite? Check them out and cast your vote.

Which firms demonstrate a true commitment to diversity? Check out the latest rankings from Vault and from Am Law.

There are plenty of media entities measuring firms against one another: revenues (Am Law), “prestige” (Vault), practice area prowess (Chambers), and so on. Which firms are the law student favorites according to the ATL Survey?

This guy succeeded in discharging his student loan debts, and he didn't have to pimp out his wife...

Larren Nashelsky of Morrison & Foerster shares his insights into the legal profession.

Wouldn't you love such generous retirement benefits?

Opinion is divided on bonuses at MoFo. Which side has the better of the argument?

* Justice Sotomayor’s memoir made the NYT’s best-seller list, and in terms of sales, she’s officially beating the pants off other Supreme Court justices who’ve released books of a similar nature. [WSJ Law Blog (sub. req.)]

* In case you were sleeping under a rock yesterday when this happened, John Kerry was confirmed by the Senate as secretary of state. Don’t think we’ll be getting a Texts From John Tumblr, though. [New York Times]

* Despite having a “pretty spectacular” year, Blank Rome’s legal secretaries may soon find themselves blankly roaming in search of new employment. Better hurry up, the buyout offer expires on Friday! [Legal Intelligencer]

* Straight up now tell me, do you really wanna sue me forever? Corey Clark once claimed he had an affair with American Idol judge Paula Abdul, and now he claims MoFo and Gibson Dunn defamed him. [Am Law Daily]

* In this round of musical chairs, we learn that Orrick hoovered up three energy and project finance partners from Bingham, one of whom will co-chair the firm’s U.S. energy group. [Thomson Reuters News & Insight]

* Remember the Zumba prostitution ring? Now we know you can’t be prosecuted for secretly filming Johns in the act in Maine, because there’s no expectation of privacy in “bordellos, whorehouses, and the like.”[Wired]

* Energy drink makers are facing class action suits over claims made about their products. Fine, Red Bull may not give you wings, but it tastes like piss, and that’s gotta count for something, dammit. [National Law Journal]

* Much like herpes, Lindsay Lohan’s legal drama is the gift that just keeps on giving. Her longtime lawyer Shawn Holley wants out, and her new lawyer, Mark Heller, isn’t even licensed to practice in California. [CNN]