New England Patriots

That was tiring, huh?

A dizzying array of legal news delivered almost non-stop for an entire week. Emotional highs when DOMA is struck down, lows when a pillar of the legal landscape for nearly 50 years is swept aside, leaving millions of Americans even more concerned about their constitutional rights than they were before. There was an epic filibuster and failed jokes. This was a hell of a week to be covering the law.

As the frenzied week draws to a close, I decided to look back and compile my personal review of the major events of the week, gathered in one omnibus post.

So let’s take a look at the week that was ranging from Aaron Hernandez to the Supreme Court…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Five Stories That Made This an Exhausting Week of Legal News”

In honor of last night’s first round of the NFL Draft, I decided to scrap my usual routine this week. That routine consists of combing the internets for sports stories that ever-so-slightly touch on legal matters and bringing those stories to you with a healthy dose of deranged non sequiturs. This column rarely makes sense and when it inexplicably does, it may be even more unreadable. No matter, as last night’s auction of human beings gave me an idea that, I hope, will really knock your socks off your now-naked feet.

Because football players are largely detestable human beings, I thought it would be interesting to take a stroll through the last twenty years of NFL drafts to recount the first round draft picks who have had scrapes with the law. From felonies to misdemeanors to a sidebar on the bizarre physical specimen that was Mark McGwire’s brother, herewith is the Rap Sheet Roll Call of the NFL Draft, Round One. The 31st and 32nd picks do not have a twenty year history and were, thus, omitted.

All facts cited come from the players’ Wikipedia entries, unless otherwise linked. Because I’m not going to the trouble of hyperlinking everything while the NFL Draft is on.

Let’s talk Mel Kiper’s hair and Mark Mayock’s lateral lisp…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Draft Picks Have Tremendous Criminal ‘Upside’”

After the Patriots lost the Super Bowl, some people in Massachusetts got really riled up. Students at UMass Amherst rioted, and hundreds of crybaby Pats fans could be seen Bradying up and down the streets of Commonwealth’s capital. But when all of that was happening, a girl and a boy met by chance while attempting to catch a cab. The young couple shared the ride home, but perhaps they could have shared much more if only phone numbers had been exchanged.

We’ve wondered in the past if Above the Law readers could crowdsource a lawsuit, but could it work for a budding romance? Let’s find out….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Desperately Seeking Michael: Help This Girl Find Her Missed Connection at BU Law!”

Albert Haynesworth III

Albert Haynesworth III

* Does your fledgling company need a full-time general counsel? Lance Levy lays out some considerations. [In-House Blog]

* Why is Marc Randazza “the most inappropriate man in the world”? Well, how many briefs have you filed with phallus-filled footnotes? (Say that last part ten times fast.) [Popehat]

* New England Patriots defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth pleads no contest to simple assault, averting a trial for misdemeanor sexual abuse. [ESPN]

* Looking for a job in legal academia? Get to know the members of the hiring committee! [PrawfsBlawg]

* “Federal Filing of the Day: Nebraska Man Says He Left Baylor With GPS Sewn in Armpit.” [Unfair Park / Dallas Observer]

Ashley Alexandra Dupré, Eliot Spitzer's former paramour.

* Eliot Spitzer gets hit with a libel lawsuit seeking $60 million. That’s worth how many hours of Ashley Alexandra Dupré? [New York Observer]

* Congratulations to Ted Frank and his colleagues at the Center for Class Action Fairness on their latest victory — which appears to represent “the first time the Ninth Circuit has vacated approval of a class action settlement since 2003.” [Center for Class Action Fairness]

* Elsewhere in the Ninth Circuit, justice delayed turns out to be justice denied for a prisoner who died while waiting over five years for a federal district judge to rule on his habeas petition. (The magistrate judge had already recommended granting relief.) [Los Angeles Times]

We’ve done a million Brady blogs. Every one of them, we try to put a different spin on why he’s the best. For this, the pictures we had, that was the spin.

— Blogger David Portnoy of Barstool Sports commenting on a visit from the police after he posted a naked picture of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s child on his website.

(Before police arrived, Portnoy received — and ignored — a cease-and-desist letter from none other than supermodel Gisele Bundchen, the child’s mother. Apparently the “spin” here was a comment made in reference to the size of the child’s genitalia, comparing it to that of Brady. The picture has since been removed. Stay classy, Boston.)