Non-Sequiturs

* Chief Justice John Roberts, in his capacity as circuit justice for the Fourth Circuit, has given the green light — for the time being — to Maryland’s continued collection of DNA samples from people charged with violent felonies. [New York Times] * Professor Dan Markel isn’t a fan of the practice, arguing that it “is yet another abuse of the presumption of innocence.” [PrawfsBlawg] * In other Supreme Court news, the proponents of Prop 8′s ban on gay marriage have filed a petition for certiorari with the Court. [Arthur Leonard / Leonard Link] * And in other gay marriage news, yet another federal judge — Judge Vanessa Bryant (D. Conn.), a Bush II appointee — has struck down Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act. [Chris Geidner / BuzzFeed] A California litigatrix's lawyerly lair. * Lawyerly Lairs: Emily Alexander’s beautiful, light-filled home is awash in color. There are no hunting prints in sight — even though she used to practice at Sullivan & Cromwell. [California Home + Design] * The mother of a man who died during a police chase has sued the SFPD over her son’s accidentally shooting himself. Opines SFist: “It remains unclear to us why [Kenneth] Harding has been chosen to serve as a martyr, given his not-so-stellar record and the self-inflicted wound.” [SFist] * Poor Professor Campos — does his self-loathing know no bounds? The prominent law professor, one of legal academia’s harshest (and most eloquent) critics, has now turned his powerful fire on baby boomers — of whom he is one. [Salon]

* Vietnam is now getting on the right side of history. A song, played on a same sex saxophone. A gay man sound, a lesbian sound, a cry that tells us love isn’t just for heteros. It’s telling me, to hold your tight, and dance like homophobia makes no sense in the world. [WSJ Law Blog] * If corporations are people, that means they also get to have religion. We can’t be too far away from social conservatives trying to ban same-industry corporate mergers. [The Atlantic] * Yeah, what I really want to hear is a 0L giving advice about how to choose which law school to go to. [Huffington Post] * Once again, Romney really seems to support some kind of government-mandated health insurance so long as he’s not talking to Americans while he’s running for President. [Wonkblog / Washington Post] * Whistling at whales could be a crime, because you don’t want to encourage them. No, I’m not making a BBW joke. I’m talking about actual whales. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * So if we ban illegal immigrants from getting government assistance for an abortion, then aren’t we kind of supporting anchor babies? [Associated Press] * Lat and friend model t-shirts designed by Chief Judge Alex Kozinski (for His Honor’s Romanian barbecue). [Twitter]

* And now for some reflection on the just completed bar exam. [Fink or Swim] * Here’s another take on how long your hair should be at the office. Apparently it helps to not be stupid. [Sweet Hot Justice] * Yesterday’s New York thunderstorm had tragic consequences for an area lawyer. [Herald Sun] * I was on Red Eye on Fox last night/this morning. It’s the first plank in the platform I’m using to run for King of the Homeless. [Red Eye] * We also covered this ridiculous story about a high school student suing because he got a C+ in Chemistry. [ABC News] * Uh oh, Mitt Romney has angered Carl Lewis. Now I’m waiting for other relevant 80s athletes to weigh in. Can somebody tell me what Greg Louganis thinks about Romney’s comments? [Politico]

* When thinking of the Penn State situation (the alleged cover-up, not Jerry Sandusky’s crimes), I am reminded of how critically important due process is to the proper administration of justice. You really notice due process when it’s gone. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * I haven’t eaten at Chick-fil-A since college. Nohomo. [Fox News] * It’s funny to think of law professors getting their pieces rejected by law reviews. Funny insofar as there are people who actually care about what ends up in a law review. [lawprofblog] * I’m not inclined to believe things coming out of Nigeria, but if this is true, it’s crazy. [Gawker] * The bright side of losing your job because of the LIBOR scandal. [Dealbreaker] * Erwin Chemerinsky, Dean of the University of California Irvine School of Law, thinks that you can’t cut faculty salaries enough to achieve substantial reductions in tuition without losing your top faculty. But in this market, I bet a law school that said, “We hire only cheap professors and pass the savings on to you,” would have a lot of appeal. [National Law Journal]

* Interested in going to law school this coming fall? It’s not too late to apply, frighteningly enough. [Inside the Law School Scam via Tax Prof Blog] * Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Even graduates of Harvard Law School wind up homeless. [Concurring Opinions] * Sorry, I don’t like bike dudes; so many cyclists are rude, irresponsible, and annoying, to both pedestrians and drivers. If I were king, they’d go to prison; but I’m not, so we’ll have to settle for reeducation. [New York Times] * What does Bruce Springsteen think of Obamacare? [Althouse] * A few jurisdictions have laws against “attractiveness discrimination.” Try to guess which ones, then click on the link. [What About Clients?] * Larry Lessig and Ilya Shapiro debate the value of disclosure requirements in the campaign finance context. [Lean Forward / MSNBC]

* Will consultation with victims’ families determine whether James Holmes deserves the death penalty? You could probably consult with a wall to make that determination and get the same result. [PrawfsBlawg] * Just like that, with incredible ninja-like speed, someone has already filed a negligence suit against the Aurora Century 16 Theater where the shootings took place. [Gawker] * And no, sorry to disappoint you, but notwithstanding his self-admitted teeny peeny, we don’t think that James Holmes decided to go on a shooting spree because he got rejected by a few women on Adult Friend Finder. [Jezebel] * While we’re talking about gun violence, Mike Bloomberg has got a great idea: all police officers should go on strike until legislators push through stricter gun laws. How is a nanny state supposed to work properly when all the governesses are off duty? [Gothamist] * Knowledge is power in the hands of a client, especially when the knowledge you’ve given them is just another tool to piss off opposing counsel during a deposition. [Popehat] * Personal responsibility fail: allowing your 13-year-old to drive you home because you’re wasted. Fathering fail: believing that was a good idea in the first place. [Legal Juice] * A fake TV show starring a wheelchair-bound paraplegic paralegal? You know you’d watch this. [The Onion]

* The easiest way to stop James Holmes from becoming a celebrity and inspiring copycats is to stop trying to monetize the Aurora killings to turn a profit with ad revenue, but Professor David Kopel says it in more elegant terms. [Volokh Conspiracy] * Of course there’s a law school death watch list. Now, it would be nice to think that these law schools would shut down, but there are still people willing to fill the seats. You should’ve known better than to assume a silly thing like employment statistics would stop people from applying. [Legal Blog Watch] * Divorce for men: it’s “not for women.” These family law practitioners may want to get together with Dr. Pepper for some kind of a licensing deal. [WSJ Law Blog] * A pube sandwich is a very creative culinary treat — unfortunately, the recipe isn’t taught in sandwich artist school. FYI, the price to serve it to a police officer is $13,750. [Gothamist] * The next time your husband complains about your sex life or lack thereof, just tell him that it’s against the law for married women to fornicate. Or that you’ve had a headache for the past few years. [Legal Juice]

* Man busted for drunk driving in a toy car. I hope it’s still legal for me to get wasted and operate my remote control Grave Digger, or else my Saturday night is screwed! [Legal Juice] * This is a good question: where does the Biglaw coffee come frOM? I’d also ask the question, “why does it always taste like s**t?” and “how come they serve it to you in thimbles?” Bottom line, back in the day, when secretaries or interns used to make the coffee, you could get coffee just the way you like it, not some generic crap from whatever minimum wage worker handles the machine in the firm cafeteria. [Law and More] * What nannies need to know about Workers’ Compensation. OR: What expectant fathers wish nannies didn’t know about workers’ comp. [National Nannies] * Gene patents may truly be capitalism at its worst. [WSJ Law Blog] * Here’s some more love for Mark Herrmann’s book. Man, I gotta get me one of those. [She Negotiates / Forbes] * Seriously, good luck this weekend, those of you studying for the bar. [Vault Law]

* If anything, baseball stadiums need less netting to prevent fans from catching foul balls. And if your six-year-old gets clocked in the head by a batted ball, it should be a lesson to wealthy fans in great seats to pay attention to the goddamn national pastime instead talking on your cell phone or watching the scoreboard or doing whatever non-baseball activity that distracted you from the 2-2 count with the lefty up at bat. [Legal Blog Watch] * Pop quiz, law professors. What do you do? [Volokh Conspiracy] * Here’s a great review of Mark Hermann’s book: Inside Straight, that focuses on Hermann’s use of the commenters in his material. This will provide excellent research for my own project: How I Became An Affirmative Action Walrus. [Simple Justice] * Don’t you love how the Michigan Law walk-out on Rob Portman is now actually a bit of a thing in the VEEPstakes? [Gawker] * It’s been a while since I studied commercial paper, but I’m pretty sure SpongeBob Squarepants coins aren’t going to pass muster. [Dealbreaker] * Ohio tries to further regulate fracking, but efforts to frustrate fracking f**k-ups feel futile. [Fulbright Fracking Blog] * Morrison & Foerster elects new firm leadership. [Thomson Reuters News & Insight]

* Dear ABA: could you please at least LOOK at what’s going on at Rutgers-Camden. We’ve already looked at their arguably misleading ads. Now Paul Campos has figured that the school may have been massively under-reporting the amount of debt people graduate with to the ABA (scroll down to Upate III). Seriously ABA, do one small part of your freaking job JUST ONCE. [Inside the Law School Scam] * Here’s a great way to lower the cost of education: make books free. I mean, it’ll never, ever happen, but it’s a good idea. [CALI via Tax Prof Blog] * Law students might need a bit of a refresher on supply and demand before they hit up fall recruiting. [Adam Smith Esq.] * Legacy LeBoeuf retirees have also been screwed by the D&L fiasco. Boy, Dewey know how they feel. [WSJ Law Blog] * Should we care about the “scholarship” of law professors at all? [Adjunct Law Prof Blog] * Wild strippers are a national problem in New Zealand. [The Telegraph] * Congratulations to the latest class of Best LGBT Lawyers Under 40! [National LGBT Bar Association]

* I’m not sure why Romney won’t just say that he lied to the SEC about when he left Bain. Lying to the SEC is just good business. Lying to the American people is something that politicians are only supposed to do for sex. [Wonkblog / Washington Post] * Character and fitness can be a surprisingly tough hurdle, so I’ve been told. [The Toronto Star] * Here are the top law faculties by scholarship. I’d bet this list and the list for top law faculties by salary are pretty similar. [Brian Leiter's Law School Reports] * Ed Hayes gets another profile, a dandy profile this time. [The Dandy Portraits] * This is a highlight reel of terrible lawyer ads. [Strategist via Findlaw] * Man with the largest penis gets frisked by TSA. When asked to comment, Sam said, “This is how we keep motherf***in snakes off the motherf***in planes.” [Hufffington Post] * Congratulations to the general counsel of Viacom. [Hollywood Reporter]

* I thought Def Leppard got a cut every time a stripper takes off her clothes. [Legal Blog Watch] * Catherine Rampell tackles the sputtering lawyer salaries numbers. Yes, to the New York Times, you listen. [Economix / New York Times] * Oh nepotism, the thing that proves that it’s better to be lucky than good. [Wise Law NY] * It’s kind of funny if your entire document production can be flummoxed by a squirrel. [Wired] * The New York City Bar association is putting together a task force of people to look at the terrible legal job market. You know who isn’t trying to come up with the a response to the terrible market? It rhymes with American Bulls**ttar Association. [WSJ Law Blog]

* A manager at a Long Island-based national women’s organization has been sued by her female coworkers for allegedly being too grabby and being “obsessed with butts.” Not sure what to think about the lawsuit, but you can’t really complain about the photo of the manager motorboating her (also female) friend included with the story. [New York Post] * The organizers of the London Olympics are concerned about getting hacked. So like any smart business, they employed a legion of hackers (pardon me, “ethical hackers”) to protect their systems. [IT-Lex] * In other Olympic news, Congress is PO’d that the American Olympic team uniforms were made in China. As Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit points out, though, the real problem is that they are ugly as hell. [Christian Science Monitor via Instapundit] * George Zimmerman wants another new judge because he claims this one is “prejudiced against him.” Sorry, but judges aren’t like Magic cards, you can’t continue to trade up. [Big Story / Associated Press] * You gotta fight / for your right / to flip the bird at the 5-0. (That said, assuming you have said right, it doesn’t make it a good idea.) [New York Magazine] * Are lawyers also doctors? In the words of Dr. Evil, “How ’bout no, Scott.” [Adjunct Law Prof Blog] * Handbags at dawn: can’t get enough of the Gucci v. Guess case? Take a look at some comprehensive analysis on this fashion law showdown. [Law of Fashion] * A state judge in Pennsylvania ruled that discovery of private content on Facebook is only “minimally intrusive.” In other words, if you still hadn’t heard, the “private” stuff you put on Facebook is really anything but. [CPR Law Blog] It’s Friday, and I’m going camping for the weekend. After the jump, check out a video of where I’m going…. Oh crap, I forgot what day it is today. I hope my trip actually doesn’t end up like this. God forbid it does, I will never need a lawyer again. I’ll just need an undertaker.

* Kristen Saban has already moved to dismiss the suit filed by her former sorority sister stemming from their alleged sororitastic catfight. [WSFA] * Massage parlor busted in prostitution sting: a victory for human rights. Said massage parlor/brothel shares a building AND A SIGN with local law firm: hilarious. Of course there are pics. Do you even need to ask? [KREM] * Speaking of sex for money, Canada no longer offers visas for foreign strippers, escorts, or massage parlor workers. [Newser via Legal Blog Watch] * “I lost the Casey Anthony case. Vote for me for State Attorney!” Does the state of Florida realize the rest of the United States only keeps it around for comedic relief? [Daily Beast] * Missy Elliot is suing a car dealership that, she says, has not delivered her Lamborghini as agreed to. Man, that car dealer might be in trouble, because she’s a b*tch. See, Missy got more cheese. Back on up while she rolls up her sleeves. [Jalopnik] * I really don’t want to make this joke, but I feel like I have no choice: in San Francisco, two drunk guys walking around naked would not only not get arrested, but no one would even bother giving them a second look. [Legal Juice] * A state judge in Pennsylvania ruled that discovery of private content on Facebook is only “minimally intrusive.” In other words, if you still hadn’t heard, the “private” stuff you put on Facebook is really anything but. [CPR Law Blog] * More praise for the new book from our in-house counsel columnist Mark Herrmann. Nice work! [Class Action Blawg; Law and More] * Seton Hall Law professors are organizing a mini-golf tournament. It’s called networking, folks. [Lincoln ESQ.]

* Canadian comes to America, goes into $100,000 worth of law school debt, and has no job. Mwahahaha, Canada, let’s see your superior health care system find a cure for that! [Globe and Mail] * Wait, you’re not supposed to take your baby along when you go to see a prostitute? Okay. Got it. See, that’s the kind of tip that isn’t in any of the Dr. Spock books. [Wave3] * Ben Bernanke can time travel… [Dealbreaker] * … While John Mara, owner of the WORLD CHAMPION New York Giants, simply revises history. [Forbes] * Alan Dershowitz received a “D” on his first legal writing assignment. Apparently, his Yale Law School professor, the great Guido Calebresi, told him, “You write like you’re having a conversation with your friends in Brooklyn,” and then helped him work on his technique. Little did Calebresi or Dershowitz know that writing like you’re having a conversation with friends could lead to a successful life as a legal blogger. Boy, did they miss out! [Yale Alumni Magazine] * Kenny Heitz, an Irell & Manella partner and former UCLA basketball champion, passed away. [Daily News] Harvard Law School professor Laurence Tribe foresaw the Obamacare Tax Holding, and we’ve got video evidence to prove it…. How Appealing pointed us to the link below. This will make Tribe’s Con Law class even harder to get into this fall. Remember HLSers, competing classmates can’t register if both their hands are broken:

* What if — gasp — we rewrote the U.S. Constitution today? Take a look at this discussion once you’ve picked up your shattered originalist jaw from the floor. [Room for Debate / New York Times] * Kim Dotcom’s extradition hearing has been postponed until next spring. Maybe this will allow him more time to throw bodacious pool parties. [Threat Level / Wired] * A photo of $211,223.04 that Matthew Inman of the Oatmeal raised for charity. Hopefully this means that the Oatmeal/Charles Carreon lawsuit circus is finally leaving town. [The Oatmeal] * “Bada da da daaah… I’m loving it! Now give me my Big Mac or I’ll shoot you in the face.” [Legal Juice] * A San Francisco restaurant finds an creative way around California’s new foie gras ban. Force-fed duck liver 4Lyfe! [Inside Scoop SF] * The Supreme Court Term feels like a distant memory, but now’s a good time to look back on it with added perspective. Courtesy of MoloLamken, here’s a great guide to the big business cases of the Supreme Court Term just ended. Download or print it, then read it at your leisure. [MoloLamken (PDF)] * A nice review of Inside Straight columnist Mark Herrmann’s new book. (The ATL commenters even get a shout out. Boo yah!) [Legal Writing Prof Blog]

* The Obama campaign is going to court to fight for their big ‘O’ trademark. I guess their claim that Romney’s centrist pragmatism was infringing on Obama’s reputation as a practical moderate fell through once Romney started pandering to his base. [WSJ Law Blog] * Cruise and Holmes have reached a divorce settlement already. I really think they’ve lost that loving feeling. [Ministry of Gossip / Los Angeles Times] * After a major blackout, you just know lawyers who work for power companies are going to be busy. [Legal Blog Watch] * British judge tells Arab man “to depart on his flying carpet” to escape paying costs. In other news: even a magic carpet wouldn’t help Brits win their own tennis tournament. [Legal Juice] * The bad judgment isn’t necessarily that a Brooklyn ADA took these pictures of himself, it’s that he didn’t scrub them from Facebook after he became an ADA. [Gothamist] * I-bankers suck at managing their own 401Ks. Maybe that’s the corollary to lawyers being bad at representing themselves. [Dealbreaker] * This is a brilliant look back at everything that happened with the Roberts Affordable Care Act decision, minute-by-minute. [SCOTUSblog]

* We might need to do a full summer contest to determine the cast for the SCOTUS/Health Care movie. Greg Kinnear as Roberts and Danny Glover as Thomas are no-brainers, but I’m not fully sold on the rest. [Washington Post (gavel bang: Dahlia Lithwick)] * Man who tried to frame his neighbor for child porn had his sentence upheld. Midwestern hospitality for the win. [StarTribune] * I’m not at all surprised that cops can text you from your drug dealer’s phone and best you. I am surprised that people are sending drug texts to their dealers. You have a higher expectation of privacy smoking drugs in a park than you do sending texts to your hook-up. [Not-So Private Parts / Forbes] * Michael Bloomberg will have to pry this burger from my cold dead hands, which should be pretty easy to do after this burger kills me. [WSJ Law Blog] * IbetthebotchedSanDiegofireworksdisplaywillendinalawsuit,s***allmywordsarehappeningsimultaneously.[Gawker] * The ACLU didn’t like my criticisms of the Declaration of Internet Freedom. They say: “Of course there’s a place in this world for a 4,400 word (length of US Constitution) policy roadmap, but there’s also room for a declaration of some basic principles in order to clarify and solidify public support for them.” The actual The U.S. Constitution is of course revered as one of the shortest written constitutions in the modern world. The Declaration of Independence was only 1,458 words. My blog post about the Declaration was just 1,099 words. I guess what I’m saying is: does everything important now have to be reduced to a Twitpic, or can we spill a little more ink on the basic principles of the internet? [ACLU]

* Why don’t we eliminate all the law reviews? It’s an idea that’s held by people beyond moot court types who couldn’t make it onto law review. [The Atlantic] * Pennsylvania’s new voter idea law will most like disproportionately affect minorities. Note the complete lack of shock from the Republicans who pushed for the bill. [The Faculty Lounge] * Bill Henderson is apparently the most interesting man in legal education. [Tax Prof Blog] * Jerry Sandusky gets to keep his pension, but his dignity is another question. [Adjunct Law Prof Blog] * Is there an accepted strategy to dealing with a horrible boss? Mine was always to go out and get s***faced with them. It doesn’t really improve their behavior, but if they don’t pick up the tab, then you can quit without feeling bad. [Corporette] * Mitt Romney really spoke intelligently about Obamacare and the individual mandate before he started pandering to the Republican base. [Slate] * The list of disgusting things you cannot return to CVS now includes used boxes of enemas. Hope you got your money’s worth, buddy. [Legal Juice]

* Nothing says justice like for-profit probation companies. [New York Times] * Was this really a courtroom exchange involving Redskins tight end Fred Davis, or was it a weird performance art piece/Abbott and Costello comedy routine? [Washingtonian] * There is no such thing as a free trip to Disney World. Well, technically there is. There are many, in fact, at least until you get caught. [Legal Juice] * The insane legal fight between the Oatmeal and Charles Carreon continues to get weirder. Oh yeah, and serial suer extraordinaire Jonathan Lee Riches has hopped into the fray as well. [Lowering the Bar] * Kim Dotcom says the order to go after Megaupload came all the way from the top. WHAT DOES JOE BIDEN WANT??? [TorrentFreak] * RIP Andy Griffith, a.k.a. Matlock, one of the most famous television attorneys of all time. My grandmother is probably very sad today. [WSJ Law Blog]