Non-Sequiturs

* For some reason, the Supreme Court has hardly ruled on any of the First Amendment cases before it this term. Cue the Twilight Zone theme.[PrawfsBlawg] * New strategy for closing the gender gap: stop relying on mentors so much. Because, you know, Jack Donaghy can only do so much before Liz Lemon has to start figuring stuff out on her own. [Careerist] * He’s not saying your antivirus software is useless, it’s just not exactly useful. [Volokh Conspiracy] * Happy Diamond Jubilee to that elderly English lady who wears big, old-fashioned hats and is always politely waving to large crowds. [Charon QC via Blawg Review] * A man stole a $4,000 gold plated vibrator, but he forgot to nab the charger. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. [Legal Juice] * What not to do in a judge’s chambers. [Greedy Associates]

* The bassist of The Vandals, an 80s punk band famous for songs like “Anarchy Burger (Hold the Government),” is running for judge in southern California. Man, I would love to see his campaign video. [The Atlantic] * Congratulations to Judge Morgan Brenda Christen, the first Alaskan woman to join the Ninth Circuit. [Courthouse News] * It’s hard out here for a transfer student. [Inside the Law School Scam] * Can a judge force you to turn over your Facebook status updates? Inquiring minds want to know when you ate your grilled cheese sandwich, and when you fed your cat. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * Do you think the Divorce Hotel takes a AAA discount? Are they available for corporate retreats? Do you need to book a separate bedroom for the kids? [Legal Blog Watch] * Take note, future political candidates: when the going gets tough, the tough get going change their legal name to a website URL. [Legal Juice]

* For everyone who’s ever wondered, “I’m an attorney, but I also love playing lacrosse. Where can I enjoy my dual passions?” Well, here’s your answer. [Wall Street Journal] * More analysis of today’s DOMA smack down. [Leonard Link] * Still speaking about DOMA, check out these interesting similarities between Judge Michael Boudin, who wrote the court’s DOMA opinion, and 50 Cent. (Spoiler: they’ve both been shot a gazillion times, duuuh.) [Think Progress] * How do you turn your summer associateship into a full-time offer? I might suggest presents, nepotism, or, ahem, “favors.” Or for more traditional folks, I suppose you could take this “practical” advice. [The Careerist] * What can business executives learn from Wal-Mart? That having holiday sales so huge people are willing to die to be there might not be such a terrible idea? [Harvard Business Review] * What happens when the pool of college graduates dries up in a metropolitan area? Kitten starvation, ice storms, and zombies. [New York Times] * On a policy level, this maybe isn’t a great idea. And I realize I might sound like a hypocrite. But, honestly, if sodas were banned, I would be really upset for like 20 minutes, and then I would just go on a crazy 20-year coconut water binge. [New York Times] After the jump, check out Bloomberg Law’s interview with the judge from Raj Rajaratnam’s insider trading case…

* Man, the economy is so bad, monks are having to go to court to fight for a new revenue stream. [WSJ Law Blog] * We have peace between a Texas auction house and the President of Mongolia over the ownership of a Tyrannosaur skeleton. While we’re here, should anybody wish to invite me to a pre-screening of their inventive dinosaur park, I’d like to note that I’m not the type of bloodsucking lawyer who leaves children behind. [Heritage Foundation] * Did you know Sullivan & Cromwell got involved in the birther controversy? The first one, the legitimate one with Mitt Romney’s father. Not the ridiculous one that Romney’s been embracing. [Reuters] * Speaking of Mittens, did you know he supports for-profit colleges? That’s like supporting people jumping off the Empire State Building, so long as they pay to get in. [Salon] * Could an accounting firm pull a Dewey? [Going Concern] * Have an idea for how to improve the Constitution? Share it with the good folks over at Slate. [The Hive / Slate]

* It must stink to be out $150 trillion dollars thanks to MF Global. Not as much as it stinks being bats**t crazy, but still. [Dealbreaker] * Here’s another way of rating the effectiveness of law professors that has nothing to do with whether or not they are good at being law professors. [Tax Prof Blog] * Sports agent who seems to be a professional defendant. [Sports Money / Forbes] * Debt, but no degree, sounds tough. But it’s not always worse than more debt with a useless degree. [Washington Post] * Romney embraces a birther. [ABC News] * This is a beautiful day to live in Manhattan. [Hayden Planetarium]

* This is a crazy idea to contemplate: Do bosses’ wives sabotage the advancement of women in the workplace? [The Careerist] * Mary mother of pearl. This is terrifying. I wouldn’t pull this on my worst enemy. Well, maybe the worst, like an Emperor Commodus-level nemesis. [New York Personal Injury Law Blog] *The LSAT is bad enough as it is, but no one warns you about how it can lead to getting L-fat. [Life in the Law School Lane] * Petty crime, penny crime. Same difference. [Legal Juice] * It’s a wonderful plot of land. You have the hillside, a great view, and if you walk down this way, you’ll see the mine field and our chemical weapons collection. We are offering a discount for… wait, why are you running away? [Courthouse News] * Wow. Google says it removes a million copyright infringing links… every month. Last month more than half of the requests came from Microsoft. [Threat Level / Wired]

* And then Reagan said, “Take this, all of you, and drink from it: for this is the chalice of my blood, the blood of the new and eternal covenant, which will be auctioned off for you, by PFC Auctions, right after I sign this legislation outlawing Russia forever.” [WSJ Law Blog] * It’s time for another “If Ruth Bader Ginsburg Dies, I’m Gonna Kill Her” article. Man, you never know. Ginsburg could end up out living Antonin Scalia with the right mix of ham sandwiches and cybernetic technology. [Daily Beast] * Will being hot help this cop who was arrested for driving while drunk when she was on duty? Honestly, I’ve forgotten what she’s accused of already. [Explorer News] * A new definition of piracy could cause any man who loves the freedom of the sea, the rolling of the surf, and the bounty of unprotected U.S. cargo ships to be branded a pirate. [CBS News] * Every Harvard student tries to identify the Ted Kaczynski of their class. [Huffington Post] * How to protect your iProducts at the beach this weekend. We wouldn’t want you to be without Above the Law. [Legal Blog Watch]

* Colin Powell continues his tradition of saying the right things only when he has no power to do anything about it. [CNN] * A new poll shows Americans think it’s more “morally acceptable” to kill criminals than to love somebody of the same sex. After I saw that poll, I turned to Jesus and said, “Now your failure is complete.” [Atlantic] * This strikes me as a pretty frank way of looking at bias in the LSAT. [LSAT Blog: Ace the LSAT] * Kashmir Hill was on the Kojo show talking about the Dharun Ravi sentence. Sure, like she’s never been taped having a gay hook-up. [The Kojo Show] * Black people who wear hoodies get shot to death, and white people who wear hoodies don’t live up to their IPO expectations. What a lovely post-racial world some people seem to be living in. [Dealbreaker] * Here come the men in black. Won’t let you remember. Here come the… what are you doing? Decapitate him? Come on, he’s not an alien, you get that we just saw a movie, AAAAHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO. [New York Daily News]

* You think Dharun Ravi was a bad roommate? No, Ravi was just a kid pulling a prank. These guys are bad roommates deserving of jail time. [Associated Press] * Really, I’m not so much worried about whether or not Jesus was a homophobe. I’m concerned by the guys who claim to be working for him. [WSJ Law Blog] * New York Athletic Club “ragematch” will have consequences. [Dealbreaker] * Look, if these judges and attorneys were good at math, they wouldn’t have gone to law school in the first place. [NBC Sports] * I thought after Katherine Harris, the practice of making people like Katherine Harris important would stop. But, I guess I thought the country would learn, like, at least one lesson from Bush v. Gore. [Election Law Blog] * I guess some people at Harvard Law are going to try to organize a protest over Eric Holder’s commencement address. [Instapundit] * A glorious gallery of case studies involving law firm advertising. [Fishman Marketing]

* There’s a war on prison rape. I’m excited about this. I can’t wait to bang prison rape in the ass. [Simple Justice] * Meanwhile, there’s more rape probing on the Dominique Strauss-Kahn front from a French prosecutor. [Fox News] * On the eve of his law school graduation, a student reflects on “the most colossal f*** up of [his] life.” [Shady Nation] * Jamie Dimon has had better months. [Dealbreaker] * Defamation by half-truth. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * There are a lot of bones to pick with this week’s Blawg Review. [Cyberlaw Central via Blawg Review]

* This NYU Law professor’s apparent hypocrisy makes me want to chew on gravel. Seems like he has earned the digital tar and feathering he’s getting. [Inside the Law School Scam] * So, Facebook went public today. The life of Facebook’s GC is about to change in big, big ways. [Corporate Counsel] * The city […]

* This is the job that I want. Just running around New York City, and telling people they suck. [Dealbreaker] * New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma has filed a lawsuit against NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall. I’ve got $100 for anyone who takes Vilma’s lawsuit out with a summary judgment. [New Orleans Times-Picayune] * The story of Dewey & LeBoeuf, as told through numbers. Legacy Dewey Ballantine folks aren’t going to love this. [Adam Smith Esq.] * Isn’t this the best way to explain what it’s like to be white? [Kotaku] * What will the legal profession look like when your kids are going to law school? [Hellerman Baretz] * Speaking of having children, I wonder if I will become more “prude” when I’m a parent, or at least more critical of graphic displays of sexuality. [Popehat] * You shouldn’t let your client bring notes to a deposition. Otherwise you will have a huge a-hole. [What About Clients?] * The Da Silva Moore case already reads like a reality TV show. Is something more pernicious going on beneath the surface? [Ride the Lightning]

* Associates should assume that making partner is like rising up in a drug organization. And really, who wouldn’t want to work at New Jack LLP? [Litigation & Trial] * Wait, Justice Souter has a “secret” Citizens United dissent? That sounds cool. Utterly useless, but pretty cool. [Slate] * Signs that your firm is in trouble? How about if your firm name can be made into endless puns on ATL? I Cleary have one firm in my sights. [Greedy Associates] * I always kind of picture Matt Taibbi stomping around outside of Goldman Sachs like Achilles standing outside of Troy yelling, “Hector.” [Rolling Stone] * Isn’t it about time for Ashley Dupré to have sex with somebody else now? [Dealbreaker] * You got to give it up to Chris Christie, the man does have a sense of humor…. Also cool, Cory Booker. [Video]

* “Now everybody’s gonna know that you died scratching my balls.” [Roll On Friday] * “Get these motherf***ing iguanas off my… wait, iguanas? That’s not cool. Maybe we should go with ‘snakes’ or something. Unless you like hotz-pacho.” — conversation I wish happened. [Legal Blog Watch] * The counterclaim from this allegedly pervy lawyer is priceless. [Not-So Private Parts / Forbes] * Look, every time a company loses a bunch of money doesn’t mean a crime has been committed. [WSJ Law Blog] * I actually think that liberals care about property rights just as much as conservatives. It’s just that liberals don’t automatically assume that any use of eminent domain is inherently nefarious. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * Wait, sometimes my order from Amazon gets delayed because somebody stole it at the post office? [Legal Juice] * Everybody, let’s say welcome to another publication that has figured out recent law graduates are drowning in debt. [Salon]

* Andrew Sweat claims fear of concussions made him hang ‘em up and go to law school. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be scared of football, I’m saying he should be worried about law school, too. [Deadspin] * Studying for the LSAT helps your brain. No really. It can even make you smart enough to avoid law school all together. [LSAT Blog: Ace the LSAT] * Looks like Jamie Dimon decided to send in The Wolf. [Dealbreaker] * How famous do I have to be before weight loss companies compete to make me take their diets for free (plus hire me a personal trainer) so they can say their weight loss program “works”? Surely, I’m fat enough. [WSJ Law Blog] * Instead of making laws against bullying, parents could also be less lazy and just learn how to use Facebook. [Orlando Sentinel] * Lawyer on lawyer name-calling. [Legal Newsline] * Hey, you’re going to be able to buy liquor on Sundays in Connecticut. Cool. Good to see that laws based entirely on weird, religious tradition are being found to be stupid. [WTNH] * This is a fun time to think about law firm branding, don’t you think? Sorry, let me make that a little more clear: Dewey think this is a fun time to think about law firm branding? [Law and More] * Looking ahead to the Facebook IPO in Blawg Review, which is also posted on Facebook this week. [Preaching to the Perverted via Blawg Review]

* Stab your lawyer with a pencil once, shame on you. Stab him a second time, shame on me. Stab him a third time, they will strap you to your chair with a “stun cuff” so it doesn’t happen a fourth time. [Legal Blog Watch] * (Crack) cocaine is a hell of a drug. [Legal Juice] * A first-person account of why you don’t ever, ever want to end up in central booking. [The Crown] * Telling opposing counsel you hope she “sleep[s] with the fishes” is mean and inappropriate. But on top of that, what the heck do you even stand to gain from saying that sort of thing? [Minneapolis StarTribune] * If you want to complain about racial profiling at airports, there’s an app for that! [Prawfsblawg] * To catch (an alleged) law school predator. Icky. [Delaware Online] * Seriously? This “Is it Kanye or the LSAT?” quiz is surprisingly tricky. [LSAT Blog]

* Not only does Mitt Romney not think gay people should have the legal right to marry, he evidently also doesn’t think gay people should have the right to hair. [Gothamist] * Of course Jose Baez wrote a book. Of course that happened. [People] * Kevin Costner is the master of the tatonkas. [WSJ Law Blog] * Maybe the Dog Whisperer needs a lawyer too? Maybe he needs a pack of them? [Dealbreaker] * It’s not going to be long before anybody who says anything you disagree with can be labeled a “bully” and silenced. [Overlawyered] * It’s my birthday. I’m going to the Borgata in Atlantic City tomorrow. Wish me luck…

* The prosecution thinks they can get John Edwards without calling Rielle Hunter to the stand. But I thought the whole point of this was to further embarrass this man. The mob is not appeased. [Politico] * The Constitution + Extremists = Bad. [Slate] * Please take this survey on how you feel about work. Because we care about your feelings. Yay feelings. Help me, there’s a millennial sitting next to me with a gun and an entire box of Kleenex. [Survey] * The head of Axiom explains why more firms will end up like Dewey. [Forbes] * Honestly, I’ve never been so overweight that I couldn’t fit into a seat on a plane or needed to get a seatbelt extension or anything. But the thought that somebody at the gate might arbitrarily determine I’m too fat to fly seems really unfair. In fact, just thinking about it makes me want to inhale this burrito even though I’m not the slightest bit hungry. [Legal Blog Watch] * Suing ratings agencies sure sounds like fun. [Dealbreaker] * I’m sure there are a lot of lawyers who need help clearing away their inbox. Back in the day, all you needed was a shredder and a secretary. [Greenhorn Legal]

* Dear Mr. President: are you in favor of civil rights for gay people or not? Let me put it another way: do you think that you should be allowed to marry the fence that has been banging you for the last four years? [Huffington Post] * Here are the 15 law schools whose underemployment numbers are higher than their employment numbers. No lie, I was able to name eight of the 15 off the top of my head. [Tax Prof Blog] * Would you wear a hijab while defending the accused 9/11 terrorists? What am I talking about, unemployed lawyers running around out here would wear a clown suit and mount a goat if they thought it would help them get a client. [Simple Justice] * Senate Republicans blocked a bill to freeze student loan interest rates. Obviously, students in debt aren’t rich enough to merit help from Senate Republicans. [New York Times] * Résumés: they’re not just for facts anymore. [DealBook / New York Times] * What do you do if your neighbors smoke pot and your wife is trying to get pregnant? Well, marijuana makes sperm just as lazy as everything else, but if you are honestly living in a building where you get a “contact high” in the hallway, you should move out and let some awesome people move in. [New York Daily News]

* I bought the excellent Mayweather/Cotto fight this weekend. Floyd looked great for a guy who was too much of a coward to fight Manny Pacquiao. But the sweet science is dying. In its place, a bunch of grabbing and submission could be legalized in New York. [New York Daily News] * Speaking of boxing, hey football, I bet 40 years ago nobody thought this would ever happen to boxing. [Overlawyered] * Cooley Law subpoenas Professor Paul Campos. [Inside the Law School Scam] * Accusing the president of “thuggery,” just another day on the campaign trail. [Election Law Blog] * These kids are smiling because those diplomas were free, folks. [OC Register] * Here is a visual representation of the Dewey & LeBoeuf partner departures (which have also been captured in tabular form by Am Law Daily). [Thomson Reuters News & Insight] * I think if more lawyers drew inspiration from Jeanne d’Arc, more recent graduates would light themselves on fire. [Amicae Curiae via Blawg Review]