Non-Sequiturs

* I think I entirely agree with Eugene Volokh, who in turn agrees with the Eighth Circuit, which agreed with the lower court, that a school board is well within its rights to call a website unreliable. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * Steve DiCarmine retains counsel. [Thompson Reuters News & Insight] * Rajat Gupta’s lawyers are applying a defense they must have learned in grade school. [Dealbreaker] * Do brown people in Arizona who are legal immigrants get extra time off school to deal with being hassled by any cop who wants to “check their status”? Didn’t think so. [WSJ Law Blog] * Apparently, courtroom fashion only matters if you are attractive. [Huffington Post] * Pit bulls are the black people of dogs. [Legal Blog Watch] * I assume insurance lawyers check people’s Facebook history as a regular matter of course. [Not-So Private Parts / Forbes] * R.I.P. Adam Yauch. All you sucker MCs better recognize. [What About Clients?]

* Of course no one likes the new pro bono requirement for would-be New York lawyers. But it is also an abuse of regulatory discretion? Maaaaybe… [Ricochet] * Attorneys settle a personal injury case for $350,000, just minutes before jury returns a $9 million verdict. All hell breaks loose, Satan rides in on a chariot pulled by dragons, all the light bulbs explode, and now they are arguing over whether to retry the case. [The Recorder] * Texas bar exam results are out! [Texas Board of Law Examiners] * The jury judge has spoken. Woe and mockery to those in Pennsylvania’s 49th Judicial District who fail to use the Oxford comma. [Constitutional Daily] * Do robots dream of electric anti-Semitism? A new lawsuit filed by a French antidiscrimination group apparently thinks so. The group is not happy that Google apparently suggests “Jewish” as an autocomplete result if you look up celebrities such as Rupert Murdoch and Jon Hamm. I wonder if Godwin’s Law applies to computers. [Daily Dolt] * The Ninth Circuit says John Yoo, author of the so-called “torture memos,” is immune from a lawsuit filed by an American who was allegedly tortured. [Thomson Reuters] * Interesting employment law tidbit: you might be able to destroy a surprising amount of your employer’s property before you get fired (gavel bang: Amar’e Stoudemire). [Dealbreaker]

* There is a difference between being “insensitive” and being wrong. It’s more important and less obvious than you might think. [Volokh Conspiracy] * Is it harder to go to college in America today if you are a minority — or if you are poor? [Forbes] * I live in Oakland, so I’m more surprised when a day goes by that I don’t see someone with marijuana sticking out of their pants. [Legal Juice] * The finalists in the ABA Battle of the Bands sound pretty darn good. My vote will probably to go to Jenner & Block partner Joe Bisceglia rocking out to some old Chicago blues. [Legal Blog Watch] * Uggs just won a $686 million judgment against counterfeiters. But for some reason, after years of asking every woman I know, no one has been able to explain to me why people insist on wearing them when it is more than 25 degrees outside. I just don’t understand the appeal. [Fashionista] * It seems like NYU Law really doesn’t want to give up all of its employment data. Reminds me of playing “keep away” when I was seven, and specifically how the game always ended in shouting matches and damaged egos. [Law School Transparency] * In other ping pong related news… [DealBreaker]

* Now wait a minute, I think being a Biglaw lawyer can be pretty disappointing, but nothing compares to Jar-Jar. [Constitutional Daily] * How much child support does an aging supermodel need? Sorry, lemme rephrase lest you think I’m calling supermodels child-like. How much does an aging supermodel need for child support? [Fashionista] * It is kind of funny that we still “swear people in” before they testify. [Simple Justice] * You really have to go out of your way to find voter fraud. [Election Law Blog] * Is it time to make horse racing illegal? I mean, people only watch it once a year anyway. [Legal Blitz] * I’m not sure what the point would be of dropping the LSAT requirement. So schools who can’t attract students who do well on the LSAT don’t get embarrassed by U.S. News every year? Oh wait, yeah that’s it. [LSAT Blog] * Yeah, I’m pretty sure everybody who was ever let go by either Dewey or LeBoeuf is feeling pretty good right now. [Huffington Post] * Honestly cannot deal with Occupy anymore. It’s an election year. How are these people not in a phone bank? [Dealbreaker]

* Here are some exam tips that don’t involve using the internet to cheat. [Ms. JD] * Is it possible that the ghost of Eliot Spitzer is actually helping out big banks? [Dealbreaker] * If these are your favorite thoughts, maybe you’d like a career doing criminal defense. Either that, or some kind of “warlord” profession. Criminal defense or continual war, it’s hard to tell the difference. [Underdog] * Wait, power is a myth? Surely not for lawyers. [The Trial Warrior Blog via Blawg Review] * How did lawyers during the Great Depression deal with this kind of economy? Bloomberg Law explores… Really, any time your industry’s economic situation mirrors something that happened during the Depression, it’s time to start thinking about changing your industry.

* The Am Law numbers are out. PPP is up 3 percent. Dollar, dollar bill y’all. [American Lawyer] * Hasbro — the makers of Nerf guns, a.k.a. the best toys ever — apparently hired some Baker & McKenzie attorneys to intimidate a guy who runs an Australian Nerf fan site. I hope they “intimidated” him with Nerf guns, because it would be funny, and no one would actually get hurt. [Crikey] * At 85 years old, Congressman (and Georgetown Law grad) John Dingell learned that “teabagging” doesn’t mean what he thinks it means. Better late than never! [The Daily Dolt] * I’m surprised that there are enough businesses horrible brave enough to ask for potential employees’ personal electronic information that it necessitates legislation. But I’m not complaining. [RedTape / MSNBC] * Finding out that repeated concussions and head injuries may cause long-term brain damage is only surprising to people who have suffered repeated concussions and head injuries. [LexisNexis] * A 14-year-old Georgia girl and her parents have sued some of her classmates because they acted like bitches on Facebook. Are these girls bullies? Yep. Is it the proper solution to turn the situation into 90210: Courtroom Edition? I still don’t think so. [Threat Level / Wired] * Support local businesses, like your high-end neighborhood brothel. The Manhattan Madam is now accepting donations… to help her make bail by Mother’s Day. [Dealbreaker]

* Paul Clement is a beast, is basically what it comes down to. [The Daily Beast] * This is probably the grossest, most pornographic employment discrimination/sexual harassment/defamation lawsuit I’ve seen. Maybe fans of 50 Shades of Grey (affiliate link) might find it compelling. The writing in the lawsuit is probably better… [Courthouse News] * Predictive coding is good. Now it’s bad. Now it’s good. Make up your mind! [Law Technology News] * A touching obituary about a first-year Reed Smith associate who recently took his own life. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette] * Elie was on Fox News late last night (video embed after the jump). He brought the funny. The hosts of the show… not so much. They did bring the racist, though. [Red Eye] * If you ever get in trouble for tweeting or blogging about jury duty, Davis Oscar Markus is the guy to call. [Miami Herald] * LexisNexis recently unveiled its new, ginormous legal e-book library. It’s just like a normal law library, except you don’t have to ask the pesky law librarian for help. [LexisNexis] (Embedded Elie, after the jump.)

* With the Supreme Court talking about immigration today, let’s take a look at how all the SCOTUS justices got to America. [Reuters] * In any event, except for Scalia, the Court looks like it’s going to find a reasonable way through the Arizona immigration mess. If you’re detained for something, cops can check your status, but they can’t just go out and ask people to show them their papers on the street. Scalia thinks, I don’t know, he sounds like he thinks we’re still living under the Articles of Confederation or something. [SCOTUSblog] * You know, I think that in the end I don’t have a problem with LSAC raising fees to take the LSAT. I mean, the cost of law school is completely out of control, prospective law students have proven that they’ll pay any price for any thing. Remember I said this when I start charging $500,000 for “Elie’s Pre-Law Seminars,” which is just a DVD of me screaming at a ten-year-old for 30 minutes. [Balkinization] * I don’t ever want to piss Alec Baldwin off. I’m serious. [Dealbreaker] * I’m not sure these ways to stay sane in a “toxic” office would work in a toxic law office. Unless you add liquor. Alcohol lets you go toxic on them! [Forbes] * I love that Rob Portman, the man who inspired a walk-out at Michigan Law’s Commencement, is thought to be a “safe” pick for Romney. But hey, this is the same party that thinks nominating a wealthier Bob Dole against a charismatic president who can keep it in his pants is going to work out for them. [Recess Appointments]

* California is cutting prisons. That’s step one. Step two is to shuttle all the prisoners to Los Angeles. Step three involves a series of earthquakes… [McClatchy] * Private equity billionaire Stephen Schwarzman isn’t into 50 Shades of Grey (affiliate link). But David Lat apparently is. I dunno, if you are going to bother with that kind of stuff, you might as well hit Brazzers and get it over with. [Dealbreaker] * I’m all for making sure that the Violence Against Women reauthorization prevents violence against women, not annoyances against women, or criticism against women. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * Speaking of violence against women, I never blame the victim, but dating gun-toting dumbasses rarely helps matters. [Legal Blog Watch] * @chrisdanzig: Stop bullying Obama @realjonlovitz. Leave him alone. Leave Obama alone! [Huffington Post] * What do Vladimir Putin and former Dewey partner John Altorelli allegedly share in common? [New York Post]

* Employees from the Manhattan District Attorney’s office boxed each other for charity this weekend. Not to be outdone, employees in the Bronx District Attorney’s office beat up charity workers for money this weekend. [Wall Street Journal] * And today’s dumbest criminal on Earth award goes to the guy who tried to sell pot to his probation officer. [New York Daily News] * Don’t you dare make me defend John Edwards just because I believe the law shouldn’t be up in people’s bedrooms. Our obsession with the private lives of our public leaders is wrong, but Edwards is like a dirty whore with his own reality series. [Slate] * Christ, I know you can’t hear me, but I only did what you wanted me to. [BBC] * Oh, we make fun of the young and the skill-less, but to a law school dean, their funeral baked meats do coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. [Gawker] * Sports agent super fight. [Sports Agent Blog] * Actually, the “Noble” Peace Prize sounds like exactly the kind of prize I’d get. There’d be no money or prestige attached to it, and instead of Stockholm, I’d have to show up in Swindon, and somebody would pat me on the shoulder and say, “Good show old chap.” [Law and More] * If more lawyers wrote like poets, more judges would act like asshole literary critics who miss the sense of the thing for a pedantic review of the underlying language. Oh wait… [What About Clients via Blawg Review]

* A District Court judge in Iowa ruled that warrantless GPS tracking is A-OK, despite a very recent Supreme Court ruling saying pretty much the exact opposite. In other words, Judge Mark Bennett said, “Well, I forgot how to give a f**k!” [Threat Level / Wired] * Is it more amusing that law students at the University of Georgia adopted a “Law Hawk” as an unofficial mascot, or that the student newspaper article about it reads like something out of The Onion? You decide. [Red and Black] * Ogletree Deakins takes Manhattan (and some lawyers from Seyfarth Shaw). [New York Law Journal] * OK, Marines lawyers. No more excuses, it’s time to suit wire up. Get your tech on, thousands of your jobs may depend on it. [Nightly Business Review] * A North Carolina judge blocked a death sentence based on racial bias. A lot of people say that everyone’s a little bit racist, but let’s work out our prejudices in the Octagon, not the courtroom, okay? [New York Times] * Lat discusses blogging v. journalism, why you shouldn’t be stupid, and the state of legal education with UVA School of Law. [Virginia Law Weekly]

* In America, secret agents drive awesome spy cars. In Soviet Russia, awesome cars spy on you. Actually, cars spy on Americans, too. [Not so Private Parts/Forbes] * An accused inside trader used his ill-gotten gains to buy a jet, four houses, and an island help the homeless. The government is still prosecuting him. Sir, with all due respect, you are doing it wrong. [Dealbreaker] * The Vatican is going to crack down on radical nuns. I can’t even think of a good joke because radical and nun so obviously don’t belong in the same sentence. Unless you’re having some sort of nun surfing contest and the Mother Superior catches a really sick wave. [BBC News] * I frequently get upset with schools that punish students too quickly and harshly for relative nonissues. But hacking into the school attendance system and “selling” absences — yeah, that’s probably not okay. [Bay Citizen] * Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance the law firms, and then the law schools go out… and the corporations sit there in their… in their corporation buildings, and… and, and see, they’re all corporation-y… and they make money… Matt Damon! [Centre Daily] * Don’t forget to vote for your favorite ATL Law Revue entry. Also, tune in tomorrow to see our picks for honorable mention. [Above the Law]

* I will never feel bad about making a typo ever again. [WSJ Law Blog] * Hey law school students, get your hack on! [Huffington Post] * Ann Romney doesn’t want to hear it, but there is a difference between working and working a paying job. [The Careerist] * Should lawyers try journalism? I mean, sure. The job market in the industry is similarly crummy, and journalists make way less money than everyone except baristas and document reviewers. But it is a fun time, and it seems like most lawyers were journalism majors anyway. Go for it… [ Law and More] * The Romney camp drops a bomb: Obama had a dog as a kid. Oh, wait. I misread that. Obama ate dog as a kid. Clearly, people who didn’t have the moral fortitude at six years old to reject the food their parents gave them are unfit to be president. [New York Post] * Man, the presidential race is just at an apex of intellectualism today. Voters in Iowa just received a fundraising letter from Rick Santorum (who dropped out of the race, in case you just got out of prison), in which he wrote that Mitt Romney “truly frightens” him. Congratulations Rick, now you know how the rest of us felt about you. [ABC News] * If you haven’t reserved your .xxx domain name yet, there is still time. They ain’t cheap, but I’m pretty sure ElieMystal.xxx is still available. Hell, who am I kidding. BikeDudeRomance.xxx probably is too. [Law Technology News]

* Apparently, it is illegal to father a second illegitimate child in Mississippi. I guess the first one is a freebie or a Mulligan, or whatever. If for some reason I ever have a personal need to know this tidbit, please shoot me in the face immediately. [Legal Juice] * A class-action lawsuit will be filed tomorrow against the producers of The Bachelor, alleging race discrimination. I’m more concerned about the show’s overall crimes against good taste. (Zing!) [Legal Blog Watch] * Just like a certain Biglaw firm, Goldman Sachs is dealing with a large number of partner defections. Goldman has a pretty good PR spin though: jumping ship is actually a sign of loyalty to the company. Right, just like the crew of the Titanic. [Dealbreaker] * Today is #EqualPayDay. If you’re like me and didn’t know what that means, all you need to know is that the fairer sex is still not paid as much as big dumb oafs like myself. If you want to do something to fix this, Ms. JD has some ideas. [Ms. JD] * Bigotry and prejudice are never okay. UNLESS you want to hate on a new-ish (yet exceedingly popular) religion that is also conveniently in opposition to your liberal political motives. In that case, right this way, sir… [Instapundit] * If you don’t pay your taxes, the government wants to be able to take away your passport. So, hypothetically, if I were planning to flee the U.S. for, say, Spain, to avoid paying my taxes… I should leave, well, now. Umm, IwillseeyoulaterIhavetorunOKbye. [The Atlantic]

* Just think, if the wage gap didn’t exist, you could be a better sugar mama. We’re talking like 14 crappy cars over a lifetime. [Jezebel] * Here’s a fun divorce law round-up. Just how much is a law degree from Notre Dame worth these days? Not as much as it actually costs to obtain it, but no surprise there. [Legal Blog Watch] * Maybe instead of writing poetry about filing your tax returns, you should be, oh, I dunno, filing your tax returns? Just a thought. Tomorrow’s the deadline, people! [TaxProf Blog] * “Did I do that?” Steve Urkel is trying to legally silence his baby mama, but that sounds like the douchey kind of move that only Stefan Urquelle would try to pull. [Radar Online] * Just another reason why you shouldn’t be calling women fat: they’re probably really hungry. Like Tyson v. Holyfield hungry. [Legal Juice] * After a too-long hiatus, Blawg Review is back in action. Check out Mark Bennett’s Letter-from-Birmingham-Jail-themed entry in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. [Blawg Review via Defending People] * The results from the March administration of the MPRE are out! Congratulations or condolences to our readers, but look at it this way: no matter how it worked out, you get to have a drink. [MPRE Services]

* Wait, you can give cops the finger in the United States and not go to jail like you do in Dubai? Why was I not told about this? [Legal Juice] * This is a kind of interesting idea for some moral campaign finance reform, but I have a better one: Limit. Individual. Contributions. [Volokh Conspiracy] * The DOJ/Apple fight is really fascinating. I wonder if the Tea Party would consider supporting the Attorney General as he… sorry, yes, yes, Eric Holder is still black. [Forbes] * Will top law schools have to lower their standards as top LSAT performers flee? [LSAT Blog] * The well-dressed groper of Manhattan has allegedly been identified. He thinks that man is me, he knew him at a glance. That stranger he has found, that man could be my chance. [Dealbreaker] * The jails in my old hood were so terrible, I never want to go back. J/K, I’ve never been to freaking jail! I did call jail once, to taunt an old bully who used to beat me up. ‘Cause he was in jail, and I am not. Good times. He doesn’t get out until, like, 2015… which seemed much further away back when I was in college. [Underdog]

* Public defender arrested for allegedly stealing Red Bull. Well, that’s what happens when you place the backbone of our criminal justice system on a bunch of overworked, underpaid employees. Occasionally, they turn to a life of “Jesus I’m deliriously tired and unimaginably broke at the same time.” [Loudoun Times] * It’s tax season. You need some tips, so I deducted my Star Wars home desktop… I mean my small business computer. [Going Concern] * The Cuban American Bar Association is dropping its association with the Florida Marlins because of Ozzie Guillen’s pro-Castro comments. I get it, but like every other Mets fan, I wish my team had directly invested money with Fidel Castro instead of Bernie Madoff. [Daily Business Review] * I like how at the start of every new baseball season, somebody comes up with another way of expressing how problematic the judges/umpires analogy is. [Election Law Blog] * It’s amazing that our entire system of justice can so easily be flummoxed by Twitter. [Legal Blog Watch] * Attorney is ranked as the 87th best job in 2012, but if you’d rather be an attorney than a funeral director (#90) you clearly have never had to deal with a client you only wished was dead. [Wall Street Journal] * I see the four women who have been on the Supreme Court. Mitt Romney probably sees an interest group. [Huffington Post]

* I know a lot of people who would trust legal advice from a Nigerian pretending to be a lawyer at least as much as from a Cooley Law professor. [MSNBC] * This would never have happened if Steve Jobs were still alive. [Huffington Post] * Eating weed at a traffic stop seems less effective than keeping your weed out of your motor vehicle. [Legal Blitz] * Jon Lovitz and Danzig got into it on Twitter about bullying bullies. Since I support bullies, I think I have to agree with both of them. [Gawker] * Recruiters don’t spend a lot of time looking over your credentials. Based on my experience, it’s also possible that recruiters can’t read. [Lifehacker] * Charles Manson was denied parole. I look back on the way he was then: a young, stupid kid who committed those terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and that old man is all that’s left. [Slate]

* Professor Brian Tamanaha: “Not since 1986-1987 have law schools seen total applicant numbers this low.” Good news, or bad news? Actually, a bit of both. [Balkinization via Instapundit] * Musical chairs: Michael Chepiga, the retired Simpson partner and erstwhile Broadway playwright, has a new and unusual job. [Am Law Daily] * Elsewhere in job […]

* Professor Eugene Volokh wonders if Justice Sonia Sotomayor is truly the first disabled justice. [Volokh Conspiracy] * Speaking of SCOTUS, should President Obama turn it into a campaign issue? First Amendment lawyer Marvin Ammori thinks so. [The Atlantic] * We recently mentioned Keith Olbermann’s lawsuit against his former employer, Current TV. Now Current is turning the tables with a countersuit. [Thomson Reuters News & Insight] * Threatening federal financial regulators: not a wise idea. Trader Vincent McCrudden learned that the hard way. [Dealbreaker] * “Get High, Get Mauled By Bear, Get Workers’ Compensation?” [Legal Juice] Yul Kwon: coming to a television near you. * Adventures in trademark law — starring model, socialite, and reality TV star Olivia Palermo. [Fashionista] * When is the best time to submit articles to law reviews? Professor Shima Baradaran is collecting data. [PrawfsBlawg] * One of ATL’s favorite celebrities — Yale Law School grad Yul Kwon, the first Asian-American winner of Survivor (as well as a former Second Circuit clerk and McKinsey consultant) — is returning to television, hosting a new show. What’s the show about? Find out, after the jump.