* Being a mass murderer wouldn’t be any fun if you couldn’t play video games. Also, let’s Upworthy this: Elie tells a story about himself dancing naked… you won’t believe what happens next. [ATL Redline]
* Ted Wells of Paul Weiss finally got off his duff and issued his report on the harassment situation in the Miami Dolphins locker room. [Deadspin]
* ♫Rubber Duckie, you’re the one, you make state legislative sessions drafting complicated statutes allowing gambling on racing you so much fun!♫ [Lowering the Bar]
* From the “dick moves” file, this guy put up a Craigslist ad pimping out his neighbor without her knowledge or consent. From the f**king idiot files, this guy had no idea how easy it would be for the authorities to track him down. [IT-Lex]
* Is the aggressive lateral partner recruitment strategy bringing results? [Adam Smith, Esq.]
* There’s pretty much nothing OK with the new gay segregation law in Kansas. [Lawyers, Guns & Money]
* The Virginia decision legalizing gay marriage made one slight misstatement. “Our Constitution declares that ‘all men’ are created equal.” Really? Does it now? [Josh Blackman’s Blog; WSJ Law Blog]
* Intelligence Squared held a debate last night between Pentagon Papers whistleblower Daniel Ellsberg and the ACLU’s Ben Wizner against former prosecutor (not Weekend at Bernie’s star) Andrew McCarthy and former CIA Director R. James Woolsey on the question: Snowden Was Justified. The video is embedded after the jump…. [Intelligence Squared]
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Who were some of the famous lawyers at Tuesday night’s White House State Dinner?
ATL Academy For Private Practice Volume 1 – Getting Started offers a mix of deeply informed, sometimes contrarian, but always thoughtful insight into meeting the challenges of starting and optimizing your own practice. Click here to download.
* Kentucky joins all those other liberal bastions in recognizing gay marriages. [The Courier-Journal (Louisville)]
* Brilliant… especially the last line. [The Onion]
* Legal luminaries at last night’s White House State Dinner included Justice Elena Kagan, Secretary Jeh Johnson, and ATL’s reigning Lawyer of the Year, Roberta Kaplan. [White House]
* An EMT-trained judge came to the rescue of a criminal defendant critically injured in a car accident. She was assisted by several other criminal defendants due to appear before her that day. When they finally made it to court, she sentenced him to death row. Just kidding, but admit it, that would have been the better ending. [Albuquerque Journal]
* A tipster asks if this guy is the most embarrassing HLS grad. Isn’t Ted Cruz still around? [Associated Press via ABC15]
* Judge Victor Marerro is none too pleased to have to do this whole MF Global case. [Dealbreaker]
* The winter weather in Minnesota is continuing to make lawyers crazy. This time the bug allegedly bit Frank Schulte, who is accused of freaking out at the “mere sight of a car parked too far from the curb for his liking,” battering the car, punching the driver, and hurling racial epithets. Just as warm and fuzzy as the Mary Tyler Moore show made it seem. [CityPages]
* What courts could learn from AA meetings. [Law and More]
* A few events coming up for sports law fans in New York. This Friday, Fordham is hosting its 18th Annual Sports Law Symposium covering issues from the Redskins to Jay-Z. Then a week later, New York Law School is hosting an event on doping, the NCAA, and getting into the sports business on February 21. [Sports Agent Blog]
* Microsoft’s General Counsel was once asked to help police stop a serial killer because he’s Batman. [Business Insider]
* Former Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is joining DLA Piper. A transportation expert is exactly what you need for a firm that doesn’t know where its offices are. [Chicago Tribune]
* The legal fallout of the fight between Nick Saban’s daughter and her friend is now sitting in front of an Alabama judge. One thing is certain: this case would get dismissed if somebody could’ve avoid a 100 yard FG return for a touchdown. [ABC News]
* Congratulations to Paul Weiss on winning “Securities Litigation Department of the Year.” The award could also be called, “Wow, you helped Citi get out of a lot of jams this year!” [The American Lawyer]
* A KU law grad is donating $1 million to provide scholarships to a new generation of Jayhawk lawyers to run their firm’s March Madness brackets. [Topeka Capital-Journal]
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Congratulations to our 2013 Lawyer of the Year!
* Man tried to rob a convenience store so he could go back to prison. And he almost screwed that up… [KMOV]
* The CIA’s former lawyer explains how torture came to be a go-to national policy. According to John Rizzo, author of the forthcoming Company Man (affiliate link), George W. Bush basically had no conception of what was going on, which makes a lot of sense anyway. [The New Yorker]
* Brooklyn Law’s Dean Nick Allard makes predictions for law schools in 2014. “[P]eople will look back at 2014 and say it marked the start of the new world of law: a renaissance where the respect and reputation of lawyers and law schools began to rise by measurable benchmarks.” Go ahead and laugh, I’ll wait. [TaxProf Blog]
* Paul, Weiss picks up tax partner Scott Sontag from Weil Gotshal. (Congrats to both firms, by the way, on tying for the #9 spot in our list of top-ranked law firms for 2013.) [Paul, Weiss]
* Nooooooooooooo! Judge Richard Kopf is ending his blog. [Hercules and the Umpire]
* And the hits keep on coming. Professor Kyle Graham is also leaving the blogosphere. [Non Curat Lex]
* The Ninth Circuit will start streaming all of its oral arguments next week. If you want to help them out, tune in. No promises that the panel will excoriate any prosecutors this time. [Ninth Circuit]
Casetext is offering select students the opportunity to gain real entrepreneurial experience while in school as part of its law student ambassador program.
According to the ATL Insider Survey, which practice areas and law firms offer the best (and the worst) hours?
What are the pros and cons of transactional practice, and which firms boast the most-satisfied corporate attorneys?
* Former top Pentagon lawyer Jeh Johnson previously told us he was done with public service, but when the president asks you to join the Cabinet, it’s kind of hard to say no. Plus this Paul Weiss partner is filthy rich, so he can secure our Homeland any day. [Washington Post]
* Earlier this year, Gibson Dunn appointed a seventh-year associate as the firm’s first ever global pro bono director. We wish her the very best of luck as she tries to make lawyers do work for free. That can be a really tough sell in Biglaw. [Am Law Daily]
* Law school rankings existed long before U.S. News was even conceived of, and they broke schools into two lists: those that matter, and those without the “slightest significance.” Sick burn. [National Law Journal]
* Arizona Law alumni really don’t need to worry themselves about the fact that the school’s servers were hacked. Come on, your credit couldn’t be much worse than it already is with all that debt. [KVOA News 4]
* Lady Gaga is nearing settlement with a disgruntled ex-employee, which is too bad, because we were dying to see her get on the stand. The dropping of F-bombs been fabulous. [New York Post]
Ed. note: In honor of Columbus Day (and Canadian Thanksgiving), Above the Law will be on a reduced publication schedule today. We will be back in full force tomorrow.
* Justice stops for no one, not even a broken Congress. With the end of days approaching quickly for federal courts in terms of funding (or the lack thereof), many judges are lashing out and declaring all their employees essential. [National Law Journal]
* Legal expenses can be especially “painful,” even for the biggest of banks, but sadist firms like Sullivan & Cromwell, Paul Weiss, and WilmerHale are really getting their rocks off on Jamie Dimon’s suffering. [DealBook / New York Times]
* DLA Piper’s future’s so bright it’s got to wear shades — and appoint a new co-managing partner in New York City, its largest office. Congratulations to Richard Hans, you’ve co-made it! [New York Law Journal]
* “It’s not just about me.” Jim Tanner, a Williams & Connolly partner who represents Jeremy Lin, is leaving the firm to start his own sports management business, and he’s taking people with him. [Bloomberg]
* “I have no apologies to make about anything I did.” Steven Donziger of Chevron/Ecuador infamy will be defending himself in court this week in what’s being called a legal cage match. [Wall Street Journal]
* “Touro is asking a judge to declare the school a diploma mill.” Irony alert: Touro wants Novus University Law School, a school supposedly conferring “worthless law degrees,” to be stopped. [New York Post]
* If you think SCOTUS abused its discretion in the early abortion cases, you’re going to love this book (affiliate link), a “cautionary tale” about consequences of decisions like Roe v. Wade. [Wall Street Journal]
Rankings! Here are the top ten law firms in the world by revenue, profits per partner, and attorney headcount.
* The lawyer who shot himself in the back and lied about it has pleaded guilty since his defense was full of self-inflicted holes. [WBIW]
* Do you want to be a partner? These 12 simple rules are a good start. (Not featured: Rule 13. Have incriminating pictures of the other partners.) [At Counsel Table]
* The University of Vermont and Vermont Law School are considering a joint “3-2″ degree program. So if you’re 18 years old and positive you want to grow up to be a lawyer, you may soon have a lower cost option. You’re also probably a tool. [AP via Boston.com]
* Can introverts be solo practitioners? It’s an interesting question, but since Growth is Dead (affiliate link) notes that even rainmakers are tragically lacking in sociability, it’s likely that most lawyers across firms are introverted. [Lawpolis]
* St. Louis University Law School has taken over and refurbished an old building in downtown St. Louis. See, it’s possible to run a law school without spending money on MOAR BUILDINGS! [Urban Review STL]
* A poem about CLE. Wait, are there people not doing their CLE online? [Poetic Justice]
* How to pick a good divorce lawyer. Done. [Huffington Post]
* Matthew Martens, the senior SEC attorney who ran the “Fabulous Fab” trial, is leaving the agency. Possible landing spots for Martens include Kirkland & Ellis; Paul Weiss; WilmerHale; Latham & Watkins; and Cleary Gottlieb. [Wealth Management]
* A judge in Kentucky moonlights as the PA announcer for high school football games. He’s also blind. Eschewing the obvious “he still sees better than the refs” joke, my question is why isn’t it just more efficient to make his spotter the PA announcer? Video after the jump…