Personal Injury

Kristen Saban

* The Fortune 500′s top women lawyers have a message for you. There is a ton of female talent out there, and you’ll probably have a woman at the head of your legal department very, very soon — whether you like it or not. [Corporate Counsel]

* Cornell Law’s new dean would definitely be a contender if we still ran those Law School Dean Hotties contests. Welcome, Eduardo Peñalver. First task: resolve the tie at #13 in the latest U.S. News law school rankings. [Cornell Chronicle]

* Cleveland-Marshall Law has a new “risk-free” degree. Just go for one year. If you hate it, you can drop out, but you’ll have a master of legal studies — which is better than one-third of a J.D. [National Law Journal]

* Dorian Satoshi Nakamoto, the man who has emphatically and repeatedly denied that he’s Bitcoin’s creator, hired a law firm to continue to spread his denials across the globe. Wow. Such lawyer. [Newsmax]

* This catfight could use some mud: A lawyer for Sarah Grimes, the sorority girl who came to blows with Nick Saban’s daughter and sued, pledged to take his client’s case to the state’s highest court. [AL.com]

Biglaw partners from international firms don’t like to lose cases — especially not to solo practitioners. Biglaw partners think they own the world, and to lose a case to a lowly solo practitioner would likely bring shame to their firm and force them to commit ritualistic seppuku-style suicide in an attempt to regain their lost honor. (No offense, solos, but we imagine Biglaw partners’ horses are quite high.)

Watch out, solos, because you’ll get absolutely no love from Ho-Love if something like this were to happen. You might get stepped on — literally — and even get slapped in the face with a briefcase…

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(c) Image by Juri H. Chinchilla.

With Mardi Gras parades and celebrations underway in New Orleans, On Remand looks back to the history of Mardi Gras and some of the strange laws and lawsuits that could only be found in The Big Easy.

On February 27, 1827, a group of students began the Mardi Gras tradition by dancing through the streets of New Orleans in masks and jester costumes to celebrate “Fat Tuesday,” the last day before the forty days of solemnity and penance of Lent. “Throws” — the beads, doubloons, cups, and other items krewe members toss from floats — first made their appearance in 1870. (Earning said throws by flashing some skin is a much more recent trend.) Today, New Orleans celebrates Mardi Gras with alcohol, balls, king cake, more alcohol, and elaborate parades. With the open container laws in New Orleans, and the threat of being trampled by the parade crowds or struck by a throw, Mardi Gras should be a boon for personal injury lawyers. It’s dangerous out there, so let’s assess the risks.

First, the story of a coconut and its victim. Zulu, one of the legendary Mardi Gras krewes, introduced its signature throw, the coconut, in 1910. The coconuts – painted and adorned with various designs – are one of Mardi Gras’ most prized throws. But not everyone wants one. At the Zulu parade in 2006, as elderly parade attendee Daisy Palmer allegedly turned her attention from one float to the next, Namaan Stewart, a rider on the previous float, launched what a bystander called “The Coconut Artillery” – five coconuts rapidly tossed in succession. Tragically, Palmer was struck (although she was unsure whether the coconut was part of Stewart’s arsenal). The coconut inflicted immediate and lasting injuries: a bloody cut, a loss of interest in Mardi Gras, and nightmares of flying coconuts. . .

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It takes a certain kind of personal-injury lawyer to look at the facts of this glittering night and wrest from them a plausible plaintiff and defendant, unless it were possible for Travis Hughes to be sued by his own anus.

Caitlin Flanagan, regaling readers with the tale of Louis Helmberg III v. Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity and Travis Hughes, in a hard-hitting piece documenting her investigation into Greek fraternity houses and their “endemic, lurid, and sometimes tragic problems.”

In the Helmburg case, the plaintiff sued for his injuries after falling off ATO’s deck and becoming wedged between it and an A/C unit. Prior to his fall, Helmsburg reportedly attempted to use his cellphone to film Hughes shooting a bottle rocket out of his ass. Instead of soaring into the air, the bottle rocket exploded in Hughes’s rectum. Helmberg was so startled he tumbled off the deck.

(Special things like this happen at frats regularly. Read on to see the complaint.)

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Jamie Casino has been on a roll. First he beat insurance companies with a sledgehammer from what appeared to be the set of Book of Eli, and then he forever answered the question, “What if Metallica made a personal injury lawyer ad?” — in a Super Bowl commercial that went viral.

He’s really raised his game. I mean, he didn’t always make commercials out of smoke pots and awesome.

And now he’s hit another milestone. Because the sign of a truly great artist is not the work of art itself, it’s inspiring others…

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Here was the ominous message that my colleague Joe Patrice received late last week from Georgia personal-injury lawyer Jamie Casino:

Hey Joe,

I saw the [story] you wrote about me. Good work. I got something big coming out at halftime during the Super bowl. Be sure to check it out.

JC

I didn’t know if that was a threat, but now I see that it was a promise. We couldn’t “check it out” during the game, being up here in New York, but afterwards readers started sending us tips about an explosive lawyer ad that had played locally in Georgia.

Uhh… be sure to check it out…

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We’ve talked about Dave Chappelle’s classic When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong, the routine where some poor schlub decides to stand up for themselves and ends up making things much, much worse. Attorneys fall into this trap less often than the average American, but when they do, the results are always over-the-top.

And today’s story is no exception. On New Year’s Day, a personal injury attorney allegedly took things too far after another man made a mildly flirty joke. The attorney then faced a choice: he could exhibit a vague sense of humor, or he could keep it real. With a steak knife.

You know where this is going…

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The kind of person who makes the rules about lawyer advertising through text messages.

When I find myself pontificating on lawyer propriety, you know things are bad. But a new ruling from the Ohio Supreme Court leaves me with no choice. Ohio has decided that it’s okay for lawyers to text message accident victims to advertise their services.

Can you imagine sitting in a hospital, recovering from injuries, and then getting a text message from an unknown number: “R U OK? I can get U $$$. I sue ppl 4 U!”

We live in a world where the Ohio Supreme Court said that such solicitations are “helpful.” In other news, we live in a world where old judges who don’t know what the f**k they’re talking about get to make the rules about technology they don’t understand….

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* A guy sued the Washington Metro for injuries incurred by slipping in a banana peel. Security camera footage unraveled his story when it revealed he wasn’t a Looney Tunes character. [Washington Post]

* A sports law practice sprung up in Qatar in advance of the 2022 World Cup. Have fun in 2023, folks! [Forbes]

* Courts are starting to employ link shortening for URLs. That should free up some space under the page limits. [The Volokh Conspiracy]

* The feds have a sophisticated spy system at Gitmo that may be used to eavesdrop on defense lawyers, which is a shock to pretty much nobody. [Vocativ]

* Kash Hill joins the discussion on delivery drones. [Forbes]

* Walking out on the law firm life is a bold move. This is pretty much how it goes down for everyone who does it. [Big Law Rebel]

* Cops in Rochester arrested three black kids for waiting at their bus stop. [Gawker]

* As we noted on Friday, the Jackie Chiles Law Society held a mock trial and convicted Harry Potter. “Who told you to put the Butter Beer Balm on!?” Video after the jump (note that the clip plays automatically, so don your headphones if necessary).

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Debrahlee Lorenzana

[S]he got nerve damage. What’s unusual about that? Sometimes they screw up.

Frank Panetta, lawyer for Debrahlee Lorenzana, issuing comment on the buxom beauty’s latest lawsuit against Quest Diagnostics. She’s now claiming that she suffered “serious and severe permanent injuries” after getting her blood drawn.

(You may remember Ms. Lorenzana from her lawsuit against Citigroup, in which she alleged that she was let go for being distractingly attractive.)

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