pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: There Are Daggers Behind Men’s Smiles

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Hi:

I’m an associate at a small firm with a very specialized practice area.  My firm shares a client with a Biglaw firm that handles most of the client’s litigation and other work.  As such, there are a couple of partners at the Biglaw firm that I work with fairly frequently, when my little niche overlaps with matters they’re handling for our mutual client.

I like these partners – they seem like nice guys – and I think they like me too; at any rate, we have a good working relationship and they seem to respect my work.  One of their associates recently left and I’d love to jump into his place.  I haven’t seen a posted opening anywhere, so I don’t feel like I can just send them my resume out of the blue, saying “in case you need someone to fill Departed Associate’s position…” – or can I?  What’s the best way to go about this?

Also: Departed Associate left without having another job lined up, saying it just “wasn’t the right fit” for him.  I know: huge red flag that possibly these partners aren’t the nice guys they appear to be.  But not necessarily – right?  It would be different for me, right??

– I Want That Job

Dear I Want That Job,

When someone leaves a law firm job without something lined up in this still-shitty economy, there are only three possibilities…

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Pls Hndle Thx: If You Don’t Know Me By Now

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Dear ATL,

I am a first-year associate tasked with writing my bio page for our website. Do you have any tips on how to write a bio that is not god-awful?

– Autobiography of a Face

Dear Autobiography of a Face,

As a first-year associate, you have no skills or experience that any client reading your bio cares about. Whether you graduated Order of the Crotch Coif or have rudimentary knowledge of Latin is immaterial to whether you can send around the dial-in, make copies or create binders. I know your semester abroad in Seville and internship at Footlocker are important accomplishments to you. But to the outside world, your bio page exists solely to cover the remote possibility that the partner, senior associate and midlevel all die in a plane crash, and the client needs to shoot you an email about getting other people staffed on the project ASAP….

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Pls Hndle Thx: Hallmark of Justice

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Greetings,

My firm, like so many, has decided not to purchase and send holiday cards for our clients, instead relying on those stupid ecards.  Ostensibly this is part of our “Going Green” initiative.  More likely it puts more green in the partners’ pockets.  Whatever.

I’d like to send actual paper cards to some of my clients and contacts.  These are people who are not social friends, but with whom I have a business relationship, or would like to maintain professional contact. My questions:

1.  Should I send them my regular family holiday card (photo of me with the wife & kids and a holiday greeting)?  Most of the people to whom I would send this have never met my wife or kids, and in many cases probably don’t know they even exist.

2.  If not, should I get a generic card or a customized card with my name on the card?  what about other info (firm name, phone, email, etc.)?

3.  Should I include a business card with my holiday card?

4.  Should I forget the whole thing and just send ecards?  or nothing at all?

Thanks,
Bah Humbug

Dear Bah Humbug,

These detailed questions require a very organized response. Let’s break down each option you’ve laid out…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Doing ‘Tax Work’

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Dear ATL,

I have 12 years of state and local tax experience.  I am currently a Tax Manager at a large company.  I have managed the second largest tax audit defense group in the country.  My current [law school] GPA is 3.4, with no curve.  Do you think I can obtain employment with a midsized or large firm?

– Quit Playin’ Games With My Audit

Dear Quit Playin’ Games With My Audit,

Generally speaking, law firms wet the bed when a new associate rolls up to the firm and announces that he or she wants to do tax. Nobody wants to do tax, ever, and if you apply to firms with a cover letter stating that you want to do tax AND have legitimate tax experience (not just taking Tax in law school), the lights will dim, the disco ball will drop, Dream Weaver will start playing, and interviews will be yours for the picking….

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Pls Hndle Thx: You Should Have Just Given Her a Foot Massage

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ATL,

Here’s one that you probably don’t hear every day: I’m an associate and I frequently work with a junior partner (early 40s) who is married to a considerably younger woman. She and I have friends in common and we occasionally see each other out, although she apparently doesn‘t go out with her husband. Unfortunately, the last time we ran into each other at a friend’s party, we ended up making out then and then later hooking up.

We’ve been emailing and texting back and forth since then, but I am living in terror that this partner  is going to find out, or she‘ll sabotage me or that someone will say something on Facebook, etc. If at all possible I want to get out of this situation without losing my job. Can you please give me some advice?

Jewel Thief

Dear Jewel Thief,

Let’s get one thing straight: you committed a robbery, one of the most heinous crimes known to Seaside Heights. You stole your boss’ wife, and though I don’t have my copy of the Bro Code handy, I’m pretty sure this violates it…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

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Dear Above the Law,
I’m a third-year litigation associate in New York City. Lately, I have been thinking about *trying* to make a lateral move. But a nagging thought keeps holding me back: When you’re a lawyer and you reach your late 30s/ early 40s, what do you do? Where do you go?
So, here’s my question: If you (1) are lucky enough to have a job at a mid-law firm; (2) are doing well; (3) like your partners; (4) like the work; and (5) realistically think that you have a decent shot at making partner, should you stay even if you feel (really) underpaid? (i.e., you make about half as much as your Biglaw counterparts, but work comparable hours). And not just underpaid right now – but probably underpaid for the duration of your career.
I’m just nervous about transitioning because I have security with my current firm. The last thing I want is an extra $30,000 today, and unemployment tomorrow.
Dear No Mercy,

If you’ve ever been to Iceland, you probably noticed that there are no old people there.  My personal theory is that they throw old people into tar pits like on The Dinosaurs. But if you ask any Icelanders where there hell everybody over 40 is, they’ll usually shrug or laugh or give some non-committal answer like “they‘re around,” mainly because they don’t actually know. Similarly, nobody knows for sure what happens seven years down the road to all the first years that started. Because even if you tally up all the farewell emails, a few of your co-workers will remain unaccounted for, in the tomb of the unknown lawyer…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Getting Schooled

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Dear Above the Law,

I’m a jobless 3L with waning hope (shocking). I want to practice patent law in some capacity, but I majored in mathematics and only gained patent bar eligibility through an 8 hour engineering exam last April. Apparently I’m not a hedonist these days. Anyway, by the time I got my passing results on the FE (Fundamentals of Engineering exam), the summer Chicago Patent Firm Festival application deadline had lapsed.

I’m now considering going back to school to get a master’s degree in mechanical engineering. Do you think it would injure my (non-existent) law career to take a couple years away from the law in order to educate myself further in eventual pursuit of patent aspirations?? (And to give myself a back up career, let’s be serious).

– Patently Nerdy

Dear Patently Nerdy,

I stared at the sentence “Apparently I’m not a hedonist these days,” wondering what that meant and if it was final confirmation that I had lost cognitive abilities after the concussion, but I concluded that that sentence makes no sense and that you were trying to say “I’m a glutton for punishment.”

Let’s move on, quickly…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Family Friendly, Lesbian, Liberal – Is There a Firm for That?

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ATL:

I am a 2L at Columbia and I am deciding amongst Cravath, Davis Polk, Debevoise (Elie should chime in now), Paul Weiss, and Sullivan & Cromwell.

I am getting married in December so I would love to work at a family-friendly firm. Like Elie, I’m a raging liberal, and I heard Paul Weiss seems to fit that bill. On the other hand, I want to be at a firm with plenty of lovely women. I am bi and my soon-to-be hubby doesn’t mind if I taste a woman’s sweet nectar. Plus I simply cannot live without a pair of supple breasts in my life. (My man is ripped so no manboobs for me.) I met many cute associates at Davis Polk too and I remember an ATL article that mentions the great number of hotties at DPW.

So many choices! Can you help me out?

– Paradox of Choice

Dear Paradox of Choice,

Nice try, but this question’s a flame because nobody uses the term “sweet nectar” unless they’re (1) referring to the drink Odysseus used to get the Cyclops drunk and poke his eye out, or (2) a copywriter at Cosmo. Nevertheless, we’ll answer it because it’s slim pickings around here this week, and it’s better than another snooze-alert “should I quit law school?” question.  Of course you should quit law school. Don’t be ridiculous.

Let’s break down these firms…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Night at the Roxbury, With Partners

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ATL:

So I was invited to a rock concert in California with a couple of young, “normal” partners. Presumably it was because I expressed interest in the music (and would have attended anyway).

What is the expected protocol for concert attendance in this type of social setting? Am I expected to pre-party with them or offer to drive? I don’t want to be known as the office Bogart.

– Rolling Another Billable

Dear Rolling Another Billable,

Make no mistake, these junior partners invited you to this “rock” concert to see if you have that je ne sais quoi it takes to make partner. After all, any schmuck with a pen can draft a purchase agreement, but only a true partner-track associate knows all the lyrics to The Scientist and can ROCK OUT to Ants Marching. This concert is the most important night of your law firm career thus far, and if you’re not going to screw it up, you’re going to need a few pointers…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Secret Clerkship

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ATL,

I was wondering if you could do a post about when/how we should tell our firms that we have accepted a clerkship offer — particularly if the clerkship is not a super prestigious one (i.e., fed magistrate), and if we have not yet started at the firm (in my case, because I chose to defer for a year).

I am nervous about telling my firm, before I start, that I plan to leave to clerk less than one year after starting.  Even after starting, I have heard stories of people who tell their firm they are clerking getting taken off of all interesting work (the explanation being that they may not be there by the time the matter goes to trial).  Please advise!

– My Baby’s Got a Secret

Dear My Baby’s Got a Secret,

Today is Day Two of Rosh Hashana — an especially bad day to tempt fate. You see, on RH, God tentatively pencils you into either the Book of Life or the Book of Death. Not that I’m accusing God of stealing the whole concept from One-Minute Mysteries and Brain Teasers, but  honestly it DOES sound suspiciously like the riddle on page 43 with the doors to heaven and hell and one of the guards is a liar and you can only ask one question…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Upgrade U

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Dear ATL,

I am just starting law school and I have a boyfriend from college who’s in a different state now going for a degree in architecture. I like him a lot, but now that I’m here I’m wondering if I should rid myself of the distraction (especially during 1L first semester) or whether I should just start with a clean slate and see what the guys are like here. You’ve been around law school guys, do you think they are worth my time or should I hang on to my current guy unless/until something better comes along?

– Sophie’s Choice

Dear Sophie’s Choice,

This reminds me of those people who roll up to college with framed pictures of their “serious” high school boyfriends / girlfriends (who invariably were still seniors in high school) and leave parties early to return to the dorm to fight on the phone with them at 2 a.m. The primary purpose of these relationships is to provide a security blanket just in case they don’t make any friends in college, and when they inevitably DO make friends in college, the college person breaks up with the high school bf/gf because they finally realize that dating someone from high school is embarrassing and lame and going to prom in the cafeteria via limo is simply out of the question. This applies to everyone except for my parents, who prudently stayed together through high school, college and graduate school, in order to bestow upon this planet myself and two inferior siblings…

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Pls Hndle Thx: Gather Ye Rosebuds

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Dear ATL,

The recruiter calls are picking up, and I want out. However, it’s August, and that bonus payout is getting very close. I have an option to get out of here just after Labor Day, but the position might not be open in February.

Should I leave now, or should I hang on, get my bonus, and restart my search in the new year?

– It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Dear It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas,

A few months ago, I would have said some Chicken Soup for the Soul crap, like “your bonus cannot buy you happiness.” That was before my associate friend bought an amazing NYC apartment, and I spent three weeks in a jealous rage…

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