Religion

Xenu Expresses His Displeasure With Divorcing Scientologists, Encourages Use of In-House Lawyers

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When you join a cult alternative religion, it’s expected that you’re going to become accustomed to some rather unusual practices. And if that religion happens to be based upon science fiction books, well, you know that you’re going to be exposed to some crazy strange sh*t in all of life’s events. From marriage, to birth (of the silent variety), to divorce, to death, the Church of Scientology offers unique advice for its adherents to follow — advice that encourages Scientologists to abandon the legal system.

All hail the mighty Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, who knows well the dangers of ridiculously high-priced legal bills. That’s why he isn’t a fan of modern-day divorce train wrecks. Take the recent filing between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — not only will that cost a pretty penny to litigate, but it will bring shame upon L. Ron Hubbard’s religious dynasty.

That’s why if you absolutely must split with your spouse, Xenu will forgo the necessary funds for Scientology pamphlets used for recruiting new minions, and hook you up with your own in-house divorce attorney….

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Morning Docket: 06.29.12

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Sexorcise the demon!

* You don’t necessarily have to agree with what Chief Justice John Roberts did with respect to his health care opinion, but you’ve got to admit that it was an act of statesmanship that will forever define his legacy on the Court. [New York Times]

* CNN, one of the world’s most reliable news networks, reports that no many legal scholars were surprised unsurprised by yesterday’s Supreme Court decision to strike down uphold the Individual Broccoli Mandate Affordable Care Act. [CNN]

* Word to the wise: don’t get cocky over in the Eighth Circuit, because apparently boosting the length of a prison term based on whether or not a defendant is smiling at sentencing is not considered an abuse of discretion. [National Law Journal]

* Dewey know why the number of law firm mergers and acquisitions in the United States dropped during the second quarter? Truth be told, they’re all scared, because “[n]obody wants to wind up with a lemon.” [Thomson Reuters News & Insight]

* George Zimmerman, the man charged in Trayvon Martin’s death, is returning to court today to try to get himself released on bond… again. Let’s give him some credit, because he sure is tenacious. [ABC News]

* Listen, it’s not an easy thing to perform an exorcism these days. Sometimes a priest really just needs to kiss and caress the demon out of your body — a sexorcism, if you will. Nothing to sue over, nothing at all. [MSNBC]

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Quote of the Day: Do You Really Want To Slide Down That Slope?

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Free speech is a complex area legally, but it’s important to recognize that there are distinctions between one’s ability to express an opinion versus one’s ability to use F.C.C.-regulated airwaves to do so, and also one’s ability to engage in speech versus one’s ability to engage in slander.

– Georgetown Law graduate Sandra Fluke, in a New York Times Magazine interview this weekend. Fluke was launched into the national spotlight after Rush Limbaugh called her a “slut” for speaking out in favor of affordable contraception.

(An additional excerpt from the interview, after the jump.)

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Vampire High Priest Loses Religious Civil Rights Case

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Yep, you read that correctly. A vampire high priest, who just so happens to be an inmate serving a life sentence in Texas, has lost a civil rights case on appeal to the Fifth Circuit. Apparently prison officials weren’t allowing him to perform the ritualistic rites involved in the practice of his vampiric religion.

If this had happened on an episode of True Blood, you can bet your ass that this sh*t would not stand in Bon Temps….

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Idaho Bans Specific Vodka For Being Offensive Towards Mormons

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Luckily for all the non-Mormons in Idaho, the state doesn't find references to grand tetons offensive to anybody.

It’d be one thing if the state of Idaho banned all alcohol because the state sports a large Mormon population and Mormons don’t drink. That might raise a Con Law question or two, but before we could even litigate it out, the state’s many non-Mormons would rebel against the religious theocracy preventing them from drinking. (They wouldn’t call it a “theocracy” because some Grover Norquist-type would convince them that “redistributive taxes” had empowered a “Communist regime,” and the good people of Idaho would blame the black guy, but I digress.)

Banning all alcohol would be too obvious of an imposition of religious dogma upon a secular concern.

Instead, Idaho is trying to get away with a smaller encroachment of religion upon the public sphere. The state of Idaho has effectively banned the sale of one particular kind of vodka because the state believes the company’s marketing campaign is offensive to Mormons.

And no, the marketing campaign is not “drink some of this vodka and then go make fun of Mormons,” or anything the state could reasonably fear might affect the public safety of the citizens of Idaho….

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Morning Docket: 05.17.12

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John Edwards

* What information Dewey know about the ongoing criminal investigation that’s being conducted by the Manhattan District Attorney’s office? From the sound of it, ex-chairman Steven Davis’s LeBoeuf may be cooked. [Am Law Daily (reg. req.)]

* Dewey know when to admit defeat? A spokesman for the failing firm has insisted that it’s “not formally closed.” Great, because that’ll certainly make it easier to prepare for the involuntary bankruptcy filing that’s in the works. [Reuters]

* Meanwhile, D&L amended its WARN notice with the New York State Department of Labor to raise its total employee count by 100, for a grand total of 533 — 433 of whom have been laid off thus far. [Bloomberg]

* “The defense wasn’t sexy, but the defense doesn’t want sexy. It wants an acquittal.” John Edwards’s legal team rested its case yesterday without calling any of the major players involved to testify. [Associated Press]

* Show me your papers: the California Supreme Court will be deciding whether a law license should be granted to an illegal immigrant who’s already been certified by the State Bar of California. [Los Angeles Times]

* Thank you, Jesus! Utah’s S.J. Quinney College of Law now has an additional $4M in its collection plate to put toward a new building thanks to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. [National Law Journal]

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Morning Docket: 05.15.12

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Emily Herx

* Dewey need to send them a wedding present? Because to be honest, we really can’t afford one. Fifty of the firm’s European lawyers jumped ship to tie the knot with Greenberg Traurig in Poland. [WSJ Law Blog]

* “I don’t think there’s enough space in the legal market to absorb all the Dewey lawyers that aren’t prepackaged in a group.” When Dewey get on the unemployment line in New York City? [New York Law Journal]

* Ropes & Gray is expanding its Chinese private equity practice with plans to double its Asian-based lawyers by the end of the year. For now, the firm’s just poaching partners from Norton Rose and Paul Weiss. [Bloomberg]

* John Edwards’s legal team began his defense, and they still don’t know if he’ll be taking the stand. Not to worry, because he’ll be torturing his daughter, Cate Edwards, instead. [CNN]

* Remember the Catholic school that fired someone for getting IVF? They’re asserting the “ministerial exception” against Emily Herx — an unordained woman who doesn’t teach religion. [Washington Post]

* Apparently this only matters when top-tier schools do it, but like UC Hastings, George Washington Law will be reducing its class size in the hope of keeping new student enrollment below 450. [National Law Journal]

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Morning Docket: 05.10.12

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Do these even exist anymore?

* Not even 1-800-REALITY can save you now. Joe Amendola wants to postpone Jerry Sandusky’s trial because he claims that he’ll be “unable to effectively and adequately” represent his client without more time to prepare. [CNN]

* Unlicensed to ill: Trouble Funk sure picked a crappy time to sue the Beastie Boys for copyright infringement over some samples from the 80s. Adam Yauch died the day after members of the hip hop group were served. [TIME]

* It’s not just a #firstworldproblem in the U.S. anymore, because law school grads can’t even find jobs in Canada. A lack of articling positions is sending recent grads to the bread maple syrup line. [CBC News]

* Remember Heather Peters, the former lawyer who beat Honda in small claims court? Yep, that was reversed in Superior Court earlier this week. Not so eager to reactivate your law license now, are you? [Reuters]

* Animal rights groups are suing the USDA because they claim that foie gras is made from “diseased bird organs.” Oh, come on, you know that they’re just pissed off because they can’t pronounce it. [Huffington Post]

* A woman claims that she was fired from her job after her employer discovered that she was “living in sin” with her boyfriend. They teach a whole lot of tolerance at Colorado Christian University. [KMGH Denver]

* Nicholas Katzenbach, legal adviser to Presidents Kennedy and Johnson, RIP. [New York Times]

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During Finals, Even The Toilet Paper Can Offer A Moment Of Clarity

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Isn't this what the toilet paper looks like at your law school?

Shouldn’t Bar/Bri or somebody sell toilet paper with property rules on it so people could take an easement on the throne? Perhaps one could adversely possess the toilet in an open, hostile, and notorious manner?

Sorry, I don’t usually go for toilet humor, but students at Case Western Reserve University School of Law have inspired me. Somebody at Case has been using TP in very interesting ways.

But the toilet paper isn’t trying to save your GPA, it’s trying to save your soul…

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Morning Docket: 04.27.12

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Yeardley Love

* Dewey get to see a member of this firm’s chairman’s office strut for a perp walk in the near future? After all, partners reportedly say that it’s thanks to him that D&L may close up shop “as early as next week.” [Law360 (sub. req.)]

* De-equitize this: Oh, how Biglaw firms in America wish that they could return to merry old England, where mandatory retirement policies for old fart partners are the norm, and the courts agree. [Legal Week]

* “We’re about to beat a dead horse here.” Even the judge presiding over the John Edwards trial got pissed when the defense repeatedly asked variations of the same question on cross-examination. [MSNBC]

* Ain’t no shame in his game (well, actually, there is). Judge Wade McCree’s lawyer says he’s sure the judge is sorry for his sext messaging. Yeah, sorry he got caught. [Detroit Free Press]

* Is this the first test of the “ministerial exception” in the Perich case? A teacher at a Catholic school was fired for getting in vitro fertilization treatments, and now she’s suing. [CNN]

* Insert your own UVA joke here, bro. Yeardley Love’s family has filed a $30M wrongful death suit against former college lacrosse player, George Huguely V. [Washington Examiner]

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