Sex Toys

Day after day, jaded lawyers sit at their desks at their cushy law firms, mindlessly mashing the keyboard as they dream of what their lives could have been. They could have done anything they wanted, anything at all, and yet they chose to be walking suits, slowly dying inside.

But not this attorney. This guy had ideas too wild, too… sexy, to be confined to the walls of a stuffy law firm. Sure, he worked for a law firm for a time, but he never went back because he was a man with a mission. He had to bring people sexual pleasure, and he had to do it immediately.

Who is the man who left the law to bring the world the delights of latex fetish clothing, vibrators, and blowjob machines?

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Send your stories to juggalolaw@gmail.com!

PETERMAN: Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn…
KRAMER: You know, if you like that one, I got more… what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventure?… Erotica?

I would like to hear your stories. Not long ago, Joe reminded those of you who currently attend law school that you are invaluable to this site’s ability to report all of the important goings-on at our nation’s elite bastions of legal learning. Without you, we would never get to regurgitate the overwrought exclamations law school dorks spew on their school listservs. Tipsters, like torts, strive to make us whole.

But what if I told you that I don’t care about your newsworthy tips? What if I told you that I want nothing more than to bathe in your tedious day-to-day life, your minor humiliations and your microscopic triumphs? I want to hear the stories you will tell each other this weekend over beers at your favorite dive bar. The stories you have problems getting out because you laugh so hard at times that the whole table shakes and your eyes water. You probably think this stuff is too dumb and petty to entertain. But you’d be wrong. I love people’s stories like Lat loves peep toes. And I want you to send me those tales.

To grease the skids for this venture, I thought I’d share with you the story that highlighted a recent weekend repast. It’s a tale of Biglaw, sex toys, and online surveillance. I call this story “Elite Law Firm Dildo Cookies”…

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You’ve been served.

Nudists seem like they’d be pretty chill people. It’s the kind of thing a bunch of aging hippies do when they want to pretend that they’re living in a production of Hair.

That’s why a protracted legal showdown between a nudist resort and one of its residents over swinging, cock rings, and property rights is so unusual.

Catherine Holmes feels the camp has morphed from a free-wheeling celebration of Naturism into a swingers club and hostile environment for children. She wants to sell her cabin and move. Camp administrators think she’s a troublemaker and want to kick her out of her cabin. They maintain that all the sexually provocative things Holmes alleges (some of which she backs with photographic evidence) are just “jokes.”

If everyone agrees that Holmes should move, why can’t everyone just agree to let her sell?

Because there’s no shortage of cojones in a nudist colony, that’s why…

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I’ve committed what is perhaps considered one of the cardinal sins of womanhood since 2011: I haven’t read a single page of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy (affiliate link). But with all of the fanfare over the books’ overtly sexual themes, and given the fact that people are now naming their children after the BDSM-loving characters, I’m thinking about picking up a copy of the first in the series. Or, you know, maybe instead of doing all that reading, I’ll just kick back and watch the latest Fifty Shades of Porn flick.

“I’m completely shocked that there’s Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired porn,” said no one ever. Oh, come on, everyone knew that something like this was going to happen. Seriously, from the passages that were read to me by friends to convince me to read the scintillating tale, the series is essentially a softcore porn composition — “mommy porn,” if you will. So who really gives a damn if it gets turned into hardcore porn?

Universal Studios, that’s who, because the company owns the movie rights to the books. The motion picture empire brought a copyright infringement suit against Smash Pictures, a porn production company, earlier this week in federal court. Let’s check out the allegations, which our readers are bound to enjoy….

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Better than jail…

* “He’s stupid. I wouldn’t even count him as a Republican.” Many Republican women at the RNC wish that the men like Rep. Todd Akin would just shut up about abortion, rape, and contraception. [Reuters]

* Everything’s bigger in Texas, including the discrimination against minorities. A panel of judges on a D.C. federal court shot down the state’s redistricting plans for lack of compliance with the VRA. [Washington Post]

* A disgruntled Stanford Law graduate’s defamation and retaliation suit against the school was dismissed. Sorry, but it’s highly doubtful that a law professor blacklisted you from getting a job. [National Law Journal]

* “[T]here’s a surplus of attorneys and not enough jobs for it.” Lincoln Memorial’s president admits amid accreditation issues that perhaps it wasn’t the best time to open Duncan Law. [Knoxville News Sentinel]

* “I don’t know if this was worth it, but I did have a good time in Cancun.” Skipping deliberations to go on vacation is a great way to earn yourself a trip to jail, but this girl got lucky. [Proof & Hearsay / Journal Sentinel]

* Continental faces a lawsuit after baggage handlers allegedly removed a sex toy from a passenger’s luggage and taped it outside the bag for the world to see. At least it wasn’t the TSA. [Courthouse News Service]

Yesterday we posted a racy email recounting a male associate’s supposed one-night stand with a female partner. The general consensus was that the story was fiction.

Here’s more support for that view, from our Comment of the Day….

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