Sports

Watch out Tianna, your parents are right behind you…

You can run all the way to the Olympics, but you can’t hide from your family (rim shot).

It’s always nice when an Olympic story of overcoming hardship results in a lawsuit for libel and slander. Olympic sprinter Tianna Madison won the gold medal as part of the U.S. Women’s 4×100 relay. During the Olympics, Madison revealed that she had been the victim of molestation and that her parents had mismanaged her finances.

To which her parents said, “What”?

So, Madison’s parents did what most loving parents would do when their daughter says something they disagree with — they filed a lawsuit….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Family Sues Daughter To Prove That They Are A Loving Family”

Ed. note: This new column is about sports and the law. You can read the introductory installment here.

Hardly was I surprised that the Democratic National Convention took up most of my attention last night. I saw it approach from Monday last and should have surely set aside time to write the flowery and horrible introductions that I am known for around these parts. Alas, I did nothing of the sort. I neither plumbed the depths of my own sick psyche nor hit up Mama Juggs for a blast from my past. I couldn’t even be bothered to make up something really dumb to open this column. Consider yourself lucky.

Instead, because of my devotion to and obsession with watching Joe Biden’s hair plugs gently sway, this week’s installment is a lean one. Consider the previous editions the bloated, corpulent Vegas Elvis, and consider the one you’re currently reading as the young, join-the-Army, good-looking dynamo Elvis. Or something.

Let us converse about sports, shall we?

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Aww… it’s like a Biglaw version of a sports movie. Firm makes a lawyer softball team. Firm dissolves in an embarrassing mess. Softball team plays on, overcoming hardships to win.

Apparently, that storyline is really happening for the Dewey & LeBoeuf softball team. The scrappy outfit made up of former Dewey lawyers who have been scattered to the wind went 10 – 1 in the Lawyers Coed Softball League.

How did they do it? Do they have a lot of ringers and/or the highest percentage of UVA Law graduates? Maybe they’re just really pissed off that their firm went under?

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “And The Softball Team Played On: Dewey’s Softball Team”

* Are you ready for some concussions?! [The Nation]

* Sorry, wrong song. How about: I’ve been waiting all day for student athlete’s rights, but Stanford’s getting tough like a prime-time fight. California wants to protect injured scholars in cleats. But Stanford doesn’t care for former athletes. (Go ahead, read the article, listen to the song chorus again, then come back here and tell me my fake lyrics were awesome. I’ll wait.) [Legal Blitz]

* Amanda Bynes, charged with hit-and-run. A former child star running afoul of the law, what were the odds? What. Were. The. Odds. [Associated Press]

* Stuff falls from the sky and kills a lawyer. That’s not the start of a joke, it really freaking happened. [The London Evening Standard]

* Note the URL on Niki Black’s response to Brian Tannebaum’s article yesterday, then remember to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times. [Sui Generis]

* Dealbreaker headline of the day: Bank Of America Makes Policy On Flashing Your Bare Ass At The Office Clear. [Dealbreaker]

* Conservatives in California are against deregulation. The party of Reagan is truly dead. [Slate]

Ed. note: This new column is about sports and the law. You can read the introductory installment here.

It wasn’t until law school that I realized adult life was one long series of birthday dinners. There was one every week it seemed. And at one birthday dinner in particular, I gave a speech that would haunt me for the rest of my law school career. Like an STD.

It was somebody’s birthday and we were eating Mexican food. And I was stationed at one end of the extra-long tables near a few friends and acquaintances. Several beers into the meal, I loudly steered the conversation towards a discussion of herpes. I’m not really sure why I did this. I think I had read something on the intertubes that day. At any rate, I told my end of the table that herpes was way more commonplace than they thought, and that the effect of the disease was far less dire than they thought. That, sure, some cases were worse than others, but that the puritanical myth-makers in our culture had convinced us that it was worse than death. Which it wasn’t. I was in high dudgeon, my friends. The floor was mine, and I was taking no prisoners in my attack on what I had deemed a cultural sex libel. “I’m telling you, ladies and germs. Herpes is NOT THAT BIG A DEAL!”

Not a single girl present at that dinner ever came close to having sex with me. On a related note, Kris Humphries was sued for allegedly giving a girl the herp.

Sports? Let’s talk it….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Sports Law, Spaw, Lorts: Kris Herphries Edition”

Ed. note: This new column is about sports and the law. You can read the introductory installment here.

I was an altar boy for several years as a kid. The priest, who smelled of cigarettes, would whisper “book” when he wanted the book, and over time I became a pro at rocking the bells. Seriously good at shaking those bastards.

Let’s talk sports?

On Wednesday, Dr. Graham Spanier and his attorneys went on the offensive. Spanier, you may recall, is the former Penn State president who was fired in the midst of the Sandusky scandal last November. Joe Paterno died, two former colleagues await trial, and the 64-year-old Spanier simply got a pink slip. You would think that since he escaped the far harsher sentence of his compatriots, he would be grateful. Perhaps he would tend to a garden during this, his senescence, and dream about the days when a child rapist didn’t have free reign over the Penn State campus. If gardening isn’t his thing, maybe drinking is. I know it helps me to forget.

But alas, Spanier is in no mood to forget. On Wednesday, Spanier sought out every audiovisual recording device he could find in order to plead his case to the world. Y’see, everyone’s got it absolutely wrong about Graham Spanier.

Here, let him tell you….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Sports Law, Spaw, Lorts: Graham Spanier Edition”

* So now the judge accused of watching porn from a courthouse computer admits to watching porn on a courthouse computer. Let me just get this out of the way: if I’ve used your computer, it was probably to watch porn. [Chicago Sun-Times]

* Too soon for Aurora jokes? I think it’s weird that more people believe in waiting periods for zingers than for handguns. [Tax Prof Blog]

* Lance Armstrong’s suit against the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency was dismissed by U.S. District Judge Sam Sparks. How come the only athlete that seemed to get his day in court was Roger Clemens? [Bloomberg]

* Another kid is packing in his sports dreams to go to law school. Though, in fairness, one of the few things worse than the law graduate economy is probably the NHL economy. [North Dakota Inforum]

* I think Republican political candidates should know by now that they only bands they are allowed to like are country music bands. If they want to like non-country music, they should get the artist’s approval, in writing. Meanwhile, liberals are allowed like all kinds of music, even music performed by people who don’t know what they are talking about. [What About Clients?]

* Attorney and rape victim Shauna Prewitt has some facts about rape that apparently Todd Akin didn’t know. [xoJane]

Ed. note: This new column is about sports and the law. You can read the introductory installment here.

Last night, I was having trouble coming up with something to say in this space that begins the post. I think it’s called an introduction. I called up the only woman who doesn’t screen my calls and asked for her help.

Mama Juggs: Are you in trouble?
Juggs: No, mom. Christ, why would you ask me that? No, I’m finding it difficult to think up a story only tenuously related to sports that I can open my column with.
MJ: I don’t understand a word of what you just said.
J: My column, mom. On Above The Law. You said you’ve been reading it?
MJ: *silence*
J: Whatever. Mom, can you think of a sports-related story that’s mildly funny and has little-to-no point?
MJ: Do you remember how your father used to shoot free throws? God, you’d stand out there for hours rebounding for him. How many did he make in a row?
J: Something over 100. I don’t remember. Mom, that’s not a ripping yarn, you’d have to agree.
MJ: You were too young to remember this, but the way his teams ran defense at Lucky High. Oh God, it was poetry. Every motion had an order, but it was so fluid and graceful. It was intuitive, y’know? Your father was so proud of those boys.
J: This isn’t going anywhere, is it?
MJ: The team that took second at state was great, but it was actually the team after that that your father always claimed was the best he coached. I can still see him walking out onto the court with the boutonnière and he looked so impressive. Just striding onto that court with all the confidence in the world. I’ll have to see if I can find a picture. I know I have one around here. He looked so handsome, your dad did.
J: Didn’t he get kicked out of a lot of games for arguing with refs?

LET’S TALK SPORTS!

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Sports Law, Spaw, Lorts: Mostly Football Extravaganza”

Faith Hill will probably not make it to the Above the Law Fantasy Football party.

Are you ready for some football… wait, what, we’re not singing that anymore? That’s a great song. Banning that song is like something Hitler would do.

Anyway, I’m getting back into the fantasy football thing. I hosted a league for Above the Law readers a few years ago. That was hard because the economy kind of exploded that fall.

Now, I want to get back in the game. I’m going to get crushed this year — I don’t think having a newborn meshes well with running a fake football team. But I;m going to want the distraction. It’s also so much fun to watch football the year after your team wins the Superbowl. Everything is gravy; if they stink, who cares, you’re the defending champions.

Are you interested in playing with me and your other Above the Law editors? Staci is in. Danzig is in. Lat will not be participating, but we’ll keep him posted. Playing fantasy football with ATL readers is fun. There’s a lot of smack talking especially around trade time because, well, have you ever seen lawyers try to make a trade where everybody “wins”?

Here’s how it’s going to work: you’ll email me and say you want in. Elie@Abovethelaw.com. If there is enough interest, I’ll run two leagues. If there’s more than that, I’ll email all the people who don’t make the cut and they can organize on their own. Preference will be given, in order to: friends, nice commenters, first come, girls, Harvard grads, mean commenters, Yale grads. Or something like that.

Oh, and two more important things:

  • We’re using ESPN. It’s the worldwide leader — Yahoo and CBSsports are not.
  • It’s going to be an auction style draft. Because auction requires SKILL while snake drafts require getting lucky in the draft order. Auctions are fun, and auctions mercilessly punish people who can’t make time for the draft.

Make sure you let me know by Friday so I can spend the weekend organizing and getting out some draft times. I can’t wait for my team, Pacific Walrus, to crush you this fall.

Ed. note: This new column is about sports and the law. You can read the introductory installment here.

In June of 2005, my girlfriend asked if we could go see War of the Worlds. Tom Cruise was flying high, engrossed in a love that would last forever, and starring in a blockbuster that was getting okay reviews. While I was never a huge fan of popcorn movies, I relented. After two solid hours of explosions and other loud noises, I walked away surprisingly impressed with the effort. While the Academy may ignore this film, I thought, I had had a damned good time. The very next weekend, I visited home and caught up with my father. I told him that I thought War of the Worlds was pretty enjoyable and, since I knew he had seen it with my mother recently, I asked him if he agreed. His face puckered sourly and he muttered “No…no.” Then I launched into a litany of guesses, all wrapped in a pseudo-intellectual pose, as to why he disliked the film. Well, sure, it was a silly action movie, but you could do far worse. Spielberg may have “grown up”, but he was still a populist director at heart and quite good at directing the kind of movies that Michael Bay was consistently f**king up. And sure, it wasn’t deep and didn’t leave me with anything besides the faint memory of two enjoyable hours. But wasn’t that enough? Dad patiently sat there as his son prattled on for a bit. When I was finally winded, he said “You want to know why I hated that movie? You know that scene in the beginning where Tom Cruise is playing catch with his son?” Sure, I replied. “Well, Tom Cruise throws a baseball like a goddamned girl. He pushes the thing. PUSH. PUSH. How did you not catch that!? It’s plain as day. And I’m supposed to think he’s a hero!?”

LET’S TALK SPORTS!

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