STDs

Rihanna

* The Am Law 200 rankings are out, and the difference between the First Hundred and Second Hundred Biglaw firms has been described as “stark.” Check out who made the grade here. [American Lawyer]

* Many Biglaw attorneys are sharks, but at Crowell & Moring, a firm with a duck as its mascot, at least they’ve got hearts. They’re awaiting the birth of little ducklings outside of their office. [Washington Post]

* Spyfall, Round Two: General David Petraeus, of CIA and sex scandal fame, is joining private equity company KKR & Co. with Williams & Connelly advising on his employment agreement. [Am Law Daily]

* Want to know at which law school you’ll get the biggest bang for your buck? Want to see which law school is best at financial efficiency? You may be surprised at some of the schools on this list. [Morse Code / U.S. News & World Report]

* No, silly, he wasn’t being an antisocial gunner, he just wasn’t old enough to go to the bar with you. Harvard Law recently graduated one of its youngest African-American students ever. [Boston Globe]

* A legal Hail Mary? Joe Paterno’s family, former Penn State football players, and select members of the school’s board of trustees are suing the NCAA over its Sandusky sanctions. [Legal Intelligencer]

* A woman is suing MAC after she allegedly picked up the gift that keeps on giving from Rihanna’s lipstick: herpes! Chris Brown, don’t hurt me for implying it was from Rihanna. [New York Daily News]

* When it comes to medical marijuana prosecutions, the government is supposed to have “bigger fish to fry,” but it looks like even the Department of Justice couldn’t resist reeling in one last big catch. [New York Times]

* According to the results of this study, if you want to do well in law school, you should probably stop being so damn awkward, scale back your antisocial habits, and consider joining a study group. [National Law Journal]

* “[U]nder American law, anyone interesting is a felon.” This Columbia Law professor argues that the legal system failed Aaron Swartz because he was treated like a criminal instead of a deviant genius. [New Yorker]

* Porn stars in Los Angeles are challenging the constitutionality of being forced to wear condoms during filming — because the transfer of STDs is “constitutionally protected expression.” [Courthouse News Service]

* So, it looks like Lindsay Lohan fired her best gal pal in the world: her lawyer. But sometimes you have to fire people when you allegedly owe them oodles of money to the tune of $300K and you don’t have any. [Daily Mail]

‘This herpes thing is less embarrassing than my 72-day marriage to Kim Kardashian.’

* Want to know what they call the Supreme Court attorney who deals with requests for stays of execution? The death clerk. Paging John Grisham, because this guy’s nickname would make a great book title. [New York Times]

* “If you’re going to sue, it’s better to sue earlier rather than later.” Probably why battleground states like Florida, Iowa, Nevada, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin are in a tizzy over their election laws. [Washington Post]

* WikiLeaks or it didn’t happen: Bradley Manning’s lawyer has demanded that seven years be cut from his client’s prospective sentence due to allegations of improper treatment while in military custody. [The Guardian]

* Michigan Law’s Sarah Zearfoss, she of Wolverine Scholars fame, finds media coverage about the awful job market for recent law grads “really frustrating.” Try being unemployed. [Crain's Detroit Business (reg. req.)]

* Kris Humphries is being sued for allegedly giving a girl herpes. But alas, the plaintiff seems to have no idea who actually gave her the herp — four John Doe defendants are identified in the complaint, too. [Star Tribune]

* “Given the police idiocy, one wonders where the boobs really are.” A nude model who was arrested during a body-painting exhibition in Times Square won a $15K false-arrest settlement from the cops. [New York Post]

Ed. note: This new column is about sports and the law. You can read the introductory installment here.

It wasn’t until law school that I realized adult life was one long series of birthday dinners. There was one every week it seemed. And at one birthday dinner in particular, I gave a speech that would haunt me for the rest of my law school career. Like an STD.

It was somebody’s birthday and we were eating Mexican food. And I was stationed at one end of the extra-long tables near a few friends and acquaintances. Several beers into the meal, I loudly steered the conversation towards a discussion of herpes. I’m not really sure why I did this. I think I had read something on the intertubes that day. At any rate, I told my end of the table that herpes was way more commonplace than they thought, and that the effect of the disease was far less dire than they thought. That, sure, some cases were worse than others, but that the puritanical myth-makers in our culture had convinced us that it was worse than death. Which it wasn’t. I was in high dudgeon, my friends. The floor was mine, and I was taking no prisoners in my attack on what I had deemed a cultural sex libel. “I’m telling you, ladies and germs. Herpes is NOT THAT BIG A DEAL!”

Not a single girl present at that dinner ever came close to having sex with me. On a related note, Kris Humphries was sued for allegedly giving a girl the herp.

Sports? Let’s talk it….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Sports Law, Spaw, Lorts: Kris Herphries Edition”

Shawn Lillegren

Go for a million — that’s plaintiff’s message. God bless America. Go for it. Got some coffee to spill on me?

– Attorney Shawn Lillegren, attempting to paint the woman who sued his client over a genital herpes infection as overly litigious.

There are only two weeks remaining before New Year’s Eve. That means that my small-firm singles only have a short window to secure their New Year’s Eve date. And according to our survey, none of you will be working on the holiday, so you better get your act together.

Luckily for you, I am an expert at finding love. If you can believe it, this skill outshines my genius at doling out small-firm advice. And since I write under a pseudonym, none of you know that I am a 46-year-old spinster who has eggs in the freezer. Oh, well I guess you do now, but let’s get on with my tips for a successful small-firm seduction….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Size Matters: Small-Firm Love in the Afternoon”

No protection = lonely erection.

People see our sign. They read it. They walk away. They turn around. They come back and they grab a handful.

Shelley Hayes, chair of the ABA AIDS Coordinating Committee, commenting on the fact that even lawyers can’t pass up a free condom. The Committee offered free condoms and HIV testing at the ABA Annual Meeting in Toronto.

If your lover has these products in their bathroom, maybe you should use a condom.

I thought the most sketchy thing I’d see today was this article about people photoshopping the heads of their Facebook friends onto naked bodies and then masturbating. There’s nothing wrong with jerking off, but doing it to friends based on their profiles just seems violative.

Of course, there are things that seem wrong, and then there are things that are wrong. And Thomas Redmond, the creator of Aussie hair-care products, apparently crossed over the line into depraved wrongness.

When Redmond was 77, he banged a woman twenty years his junior, without a condom, and gave her his herpes. Mental note: I need to remember to never use Aussie hair products because the dude that created it has herpes and doesn’t take adequate precautions…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Lawsuit of the Day: It Only Costs $4.3 Million To Give Somebody Herpes”

cuckold.jpgPoor Carl Levine. His wife has allegedly been having an affair with her psychiatrist since about 2000. And the psychiatrist allegedly had herpes. And allegedly gave Levine’s wife herpes. And now Levine has herpes.

We’ve heard of some off-the-wall psychiatric treatments but this one sounds quite unhealthy.

Now Levine is suing Dr. Robert Werboff for hiding his disease, for knowingly infecting Levine’s wife, for thus knowingly exposing Levine to herpes, and for just being a really bad doctor. According to Levine’s complaint [PDF], he has suffered “severe and permanent physical, emotional and mental distress” and “anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, fright, shock, pain, discomfort, and anxiety and has suffered permanent injuries and damages.”

We’re suffering similar emotions after having done a Google image search for “herpes.” Ick….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Lawsuit of the Day: Another Cuckold With Herpes”

Frederick Tanne Kirkland Ellis.jpgIn September, Kirkland & Ellis partner Frederick Tanne sued his wife, her lover, and her father for giving him herpes. (We mentioned this lawsuit in passing in Morning Docket at the time of the complaint, and many of you complained about the item not getting its own post. Well, here you go!)

Tanne claimed to have discovered his wife’s infidelity when he found herpes-treatment medicine in their bathroom. According to the New York Post, Tanne got tested for herpes and “discovered he was infected with the incurable virus.” He sued his wife, accusing her of multiple extramarital affairs, and seeking compensation for medical bills, lost wages and pain and suffering.

Mrs. Tanne’s dad is a doctor, and prescribed the herpes medication Valtrex to her. He denied his daughter had an affair. His explanation:

[Amy Tanne's father, Samuel] Messing denied that his daughter was infected.

“My daughter does not have genital herpes,” he said. “This is pure nonsense. I prescribed Valtrex for a cold sore on her lip. She never had a cold sore until she married him.”

He also denied that his daughter ever had an affair.

“He just wants to make things difficult for my family,” Messing said.

The doctor may be a reliable expert witness. The embarrassing twist in the case, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Those aren’t my Herpes… Then whose Herpes are they?”