Texas

Morning Docket: 08.31.12

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* These are some sad times in Texas, y’all. It really hasn’t been a very good week for the Lone Star state in the courts. First their redistricting plan got thrown out, and now their voter ID law has been struck down. [CNN]

* Jeh Johnson of the Defense Department may take legal action against the former Navy SEAL who wrote a book about the Osama bin Laden raid, calling it a “material breach” of duty. Must be good; go buy it! [CBS News]

* Bros will be bros: disbarment has been recommended for an attorney who failed to disclose to clients that he had been suspended for banging an underage chick who worked at his office. [National Law Journal]

* Here are 15 Northeast law schools ranked by employment rate. After getting excited that mine was on the list — albeit dead last — I realized I’m seriously a low expectation havin’ motherf**ker. [Boston Business Journal]

* George W. Huguely V, the UVA lacrosse player who beat his girlfriend to death, was sentenced to 23 years in prison. Distasteful joke alert: for his sake, we hope the prison uniforms have poppable collars. [Bloomberg]

* A Maryland lawyer with autism and Sensory Processing Disorder has created a way for people to stop getting up in your personal space while riding public transportation. Say hello to the Sensory Shield! [Huffington Post]

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Man Sues Over Broken Penis After Taking Sex Supplements

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Indulge us and imagine the following scenario, if you will: you’re deep in the throes of sexual pleasure, when all of a sudden, you hear a distinct popping sound and experience the worst pain that you can possibly imagine. Congratulations, because you’ve just broken your penis.

This is every man’s worst nightmare, and a young man from Texas claims that something similar happened to him last year. After purchasing a sexual enhancement supplement at a gas station, this southern gentleman then took his “paramour” to a local motel for some passionate lovemaking.

Somehow, this fellow somehow broke his penis in the process, so he decided to sue the enhancement pill’s manufacturer. If anything, his lawsuit is worth a read because his description of the horrifying event sounds like it came out of a B-movie slasher film….

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Morning Docket: 08.29.12

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Better than jail…

* “He’s stupid. I wouldn’t even count him as a Republican.” Many Republican women at the RNC wish that the men like Rep. Todd Akin would just shut up about abortion, rape, and contraception. [Reuters]

* Everything’s bigger in Texas, including the discrimination against minorities. A panel of judges on a D.C. federal court shot down the state’s redistricting plans for lack of compliance with the VRA. [Washington Post]

* A disgruntled Stanford Law graduate’s defamation and retaliation suit against the school was dismissed. Sorry, but it’s highly doubtful that a law professor blacklisted you from getting a job. [National Law Journal]

* “[T]here’s a surplus of attorneys and not enough jobs for it.” Lincoln Memorial’s president admits amid accreditation issues that perhaps it wasn’t the best time to open Duncan Law. [Knoxville News Sentinel]

* “I don’t know if this was worth it, but I did have a good time in Cancun.” Skipping deliberations to go on vacation is a great way to earn yourself a trip to jail, but this girl got lucky. [Proof & Hearsay / Journal Sentinel]

* Continental faces a lawsuit after baggage handlers allegedly removed a sex toy from a passenger’s luggage and taped it outside the bag for the world to see. At least it wasn’t the TSA. [Courthouse News Service]

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Judge’s Alleged Bias Spurred By Attorney’s Refusal to Purchase Girl Scout Cookies

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Each spring, our fine country is besieged by little girls on a mission to sell the most cookies or else risk being the embarrassment of their troop. Of course, I’m talking about the Girl Scouts of the USA, a program that indoctrinates young women to “be prepared” for adulthood by earning patches in first aid, sportsmanship, and other important life skills, like cooking and makeup application. (Yes, seriously.)

Anyway, Girl Scout cookies used to be pimped by door-to-door sales when mothers still allowed their children to walk around unattended (except for where I grew up in Hillsdale, NJ, the town where Joan’s Law originated). These days, parents tend to do all the work for their kids, and force their coworkers to buy box upon box of delicious cookies.

Now, it’s very rare that one wouldn’t succumb to the pressure to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies — seriously, have you ever eaten a Thin Mint? — but you can’t convince everyone to be a customer, and not everyone will care that they might be crushing a little girl’s hopes and dreams of earning a cookie patch. In extreme cases, not even a judge can allegedly foist these cookies upon an unwilling customer….

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Calling This State Judge A ‘Clown’ Is Insulting To Clowns

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The only people dumber than this Lubbock, Texas judge are the people who believe state court judges are impartial.

The story that has gone viral this morning is about Texas Judge Tom Head. In a local news interview, Judge Head said that a property tax increase was needed, in part, so the sheriff’s department could defend the people against U.N. troops that Obama would send to invade Texas to quash the civil war that would naturally break out if he was re-elected.

Stupid freaking Texas. Up here in New York, we’ve been preparing for that eventuality for years. What, you think it really costs $2,200 to rent a one-bedroom shoebox in Chelsea? Of course not! I believe it was our own New York State Supreme Court Judge D. Bagger Dumas who said: “The MTA needs funds to extend the 7-line all the way to Hoboken so that we may have an avenue to escape from the mechanized Kenyan Power-bots Obama has been developing in secret with the French and General Zod.”

Sorry, even my jokey attempt to sound as crazy as a Texas judge falls woefully short of the real life lunacy of Texas judges (plus an UPDATE on this guy’s title)….

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Texas Teacher on Trial for Allegedly Participating in a Gang Bang With Students

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Hot for teacher?

Ever since Mary Kay Letourneau’s illicit relationship with an underage student hit the news in 1995, our country has been fascinated with sex scandals involving female teachers. Teacher-student sex scandals have earned a permanent place in our national news coverage, because as we all know too well, there seems to be a new incident each year. The reporting is often intense, and thanks to Nancy Grace’s television takeover, a nationwide assault on the “too pretty for jail” defense was launched into being.

Recently, female teachers have been upping the ante, having sex with multiple students in what have been described as drug- and alcohol-fueled orgies. Take, for example, Stacy Schuler, an Ohio teacher who was convicted of sexual battery after having threesomes with her students.

But the most recent teacher-student sex scandal takes the cake, if only because the allegations involve five students filming amateur porn with their teacher. Until now, we’d never heard of a case that involved so many young men all at the same time. But as they say, everything’s bigger in Texas — including the gang bangs….

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Morning Docket: 08.13.12

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* In case you’ve been sleeping under a rock, Mitt Romney picked Rep. Paul Ryan as his Vice Presidential running mate. Putting politics aside, this is a great pick, if only because Ryan is so handsome. Seriously, he’s a total stud. [Wall Street Journal]

* “How can I be the one guy with a good degree who is going to be chronically unemployed?” Sadly, many lawyers are still looking for jobs after (multiple) layoffs, but thanks to a lack of positions, employment is just “not in the cards” for them. [New York Times]

* Deadliest clerkship? The Washington, D.C. judge who presided over one of the most violent mass shooting cases in the nation’s capital was reportedly held up at gunpoint last week, with her law clerk in tow. [Fox DC]

* Something is rotten in the state of Denmark Texas. Judge Sam Sparks “know[s] the smell of bad fish,” and now wants to know why the USADA waited so long to bring charges against Lance Armstrong. [Bloomberg]

* After reversing a bankruptcy court’s decision that loan repayment would be an “undue hardship” for a law school debtor, a judge took the time to rip law schools a new one over escalating tuition. [Oregonian]

* Match.com class-action plaintiffs found no love in court after a federal judge ruled that the dating website hadn’t breached its user agreement. Much like their love lives, their claims aren’t getting any action. [Reuters]

* A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client: 23% of all cases filed in the federal court for the S.D.N.Y. are brought by pro se litigants, and the vast majority of them seem to have lost their minds. [New York Post]

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Morning Docket: 08.10.12

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* “I’ve been a restaurant waitress, a hotel hostess, a car parker, a nurse’s aide, a maid in a motel, a bookkeeper and a researcher.” This SCOTUS wife was well-prepared to give a graduation speech at New England Law. [Huffington Post]

* Sniffling over lost profits is the best way to get a court to take your side. Biglaw firms have asked the Second Circuit to consider reversing a decision in the Coudert Brothers “unfinished business” clawback case. [Legal Intelligencer]

* James Holmes, the alleged Aurora movie theater gunman, is being evicted from his apartment. Guess he didn’t know — or care — that booby-trapping the place with bombs would be against the terms of his lease. [Denver Post]

* The ABA has created a task force to study the future of legal education, and its work is expected to completed in 2014. ::rolleyes:: Oh, good thing they’re not in any kind of a hurry — there’s no need to rush. [ABA Journal]

* Indiana Tech, the little law school that nobody wants could, has hired its first faculty members. Thus far, the school has poached law professors from from West Virginia, Florida A&M, and Northern Illinois. [JD Journal]

* When divorces get weird: is this lawyer’s soon-to-be ex-wife hacking into his law firm email account and planning to publish privileged communications online? Yep, this is in Texas. [Unfair Park / Dallas Observer]

* Breast-feeding porn: yup, that’s a thing, so start Googling. A New Jersey mother is suing an Iowa production company after an instructional video she appeared in was spliced to create pornography. [Boston Globe]

* If someone from your school newspaper asks you for a quote about oral sex, and then you’re quoted in the subsequent article, you’re probably not going to win your invasion of privacy lawsuit. [National Law Journal]

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Peer Gentleman’s Club Sued For Incentivizing Over-Serving

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As we mentioned in Morning Docket, Rick’s Cabaret has been served with a lawsuit alleging that the gentleman’s establishment over-served one of its patrons.

Of course, nobody would care about alleged over-serving if the guy had come home from the strip club and beat his wife. In the instant case, a man left Rick’s and drove around at 130 mph with no headlights on, eventually slamming into another car and killing a high school senior.

The driver, Erasmo Ramirez, survived the crash and is serving 15 years for intoxicated manslaughter. The family of the victim is suing Rick’s for its program that gives employees incentives for how many drinks they sell.

I know that you are shocked, shocked to find out that strip clubs want employees to get out there and sell drinks….

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Morning Docket: 08.07.12

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* Dewey know why the deadline to sign up for D&L’s proposed “clawback” settlement for former partners has been pushed back again? This time, the liability release is at issue. [WSJ Law Blog]

* In Pennsylvania, there’s been a spurt of lateral movement from people leaving in-house positions for law firms. Memo to laterals: you’re doing it wrong. No really, you are. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

* The Senate confirmed four nominees to the Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board, but they won’t be able to do much because they don’t have a chairman. Oh, government. [National Law Journal]

* Here’s a list of gunnerific tips for a successful first semester of law school. Too bad it’s missing the most important tip of all: read Above the Law daily. [Law School Admissions Lowdown / U.S. News & World Report]

* With drinks flowing and asses shaking, Rick’s Cabaret can do no wrong — except when someone dies. The club’s drink-sales policy is currently the subject of a wrongful death lawsuit in Texas. [Houston Chronicle]

* Chris Danzig will be attending and live tweeting the Apple v. Samsung trial today. Follow him! [Twitter]

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