The Onion

At press time, the child whose future decisions will touch the lives of every American citizen for generations went inside to find a lighter.

– The Onion, describing how an 8-year-old future Supreme Court justice spent his day brutally dismembering a grasshopper. The Onion envisions the Court dominated by a psychopath “who will go on to be the court’s crucial swing vote under five consecutive administrations,” and who “laughed out loud and implored the helpless creature to jump.” That sounds about right.

* The New York Post responds to critics of its Boston attack coverage. [The Onion]

* I’m just going to quote our tipster on this one because I cannot improve upon his commentary: “Because we should publicize every time a Donald Trump lawsuit fails.” [Chronicle of Higher Education]

* DOUBLE F**KING NEWSFLASH: this pissed off sorority girl will write the BEST cease and desist letters someday. [Gawker]

* CVS: the place with the helpful, anti-Asian racist staff! [Associated Press via Yahoo! Finance]

* The Supreme Court stands up to warrantless searches. Sort of. [Simple Justice]

* Sports franchise owners totally rip off the communities they supposedly serve? [Lawyers, Guns & Money]

* You’d think an intellectual property firm would know better than to commit copyright violations. [Law 360]

* Good news, law students! You can get a casebook for the low, low price of $200! [PrawfsBlawg]

* Rachel Ray sued for negligence in trying to help a teen lose weight. If the goal was weight loss, Rachel should have just forced the girl to exclusively eat from Rachel Ray’s cookbook. Nothing can turn someone off eating like that. [US Weekly]

Justice Stephen Breyer

I’d forgotten how cute first-year federal clerkship girls are. Damn! I’m definitely getting ass tonight.

– Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, commenting on the “epic f**king rager” hosted by fellow Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Unfortunately, the party was broken up by the police after Justice Antonin Scalia reportedly used the DOJ’s Facebook page to invite “everyone who views the writ of certiorari as essential to a robust judiciary” to “come get shwasted at RBG’s place.”

(In case you couldn’t tell, this quote comes from The Onion, a satirical news site, but that in no way takes away from the overall awesomeness of imagining Supreme Court justices “drink[ing] [their] asses off.”)


Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday overturned Right v. Wrong. The landmark reversal — a bitterly contested 5-4 decision that has been widely praised by murderers, rapists, bigots, usurers, and pro-wrong advocates nationwide — nullifies all previously lawful forms of right and makes it very difficult for Americans to make ethical decisions or be generally decent human beings without facing criminal charges.

– The Onion, Supreme Court Overturns ‘Right v. Wrong’

I just wanted to get out there, let my talents shine, and show that I, too, can be a constitutional originalist and claim strict adherence to the intent of those who framed our nation’s founding document, thereby advancing a conservative agenda. Pretty sure I nailed it, too.

– “Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia,” The Onion.

Law Schools Now Require Applicants To Honestly State Whether They Want To Go To Law School.

– headline for an article in The Onion