* Somebody call up the Cornell School of Hotel Administration and get them to teach their people how travelers actually use computers. [Drug and Device Law]

* Police can search your email without telling you. Bring it on coppers, bring it on. [True/Slant]

* If your Biglaw career has stalled, maybe you should become a CPA. [Going Concern]

* An Indiana law school dean is getting pushed out because he is too old. Peyton Manning, welcome to your future. [Law Librarian Blog]

* Is a globally integrated law firm that provides one-stop shopping still a viable business model? I don’t know, Wal-Mart seems to be doing just fine. [Ideoblog]

* I didn’t know water intoxication existed. It doesn’t sound nearly as fun as regular intoxication. [ABA Journal]

* Don’t forget to come down and poke me with sticks meet me in Atlanta on Monday. [Georgia Association for Women Lawyers]

Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way. Albert Freed (pictured) won a trip to Hawaii (not pictured). As part of the vacation celebration, Mrs. Freed bought her husband some new Hanes brand briefs. But Mr. Freed is a husky gentleman, and apparently the new trunks couldn’t contain all of his junk. He sued Hanes, claiming they made “defective” underwear.

Let me turn it over to Escambia County (FL) Judge Pat Kinsey:

A question for the guys out there: How long would it take you to correct a problem involving sandpaper and your penis? Don’t you think penis chafing is something that requires immediate attention and decisive action?

And while we’re here, how long does it take for you to notice your stuff hanging out where it is not supposed to be?

Check out Albert’s excuse after the jump.

Hello, Above the Law community. I’m back from hiatus. I’m away for a whole week and what happens, law firms stop laying people off. Coincidence? Dear God I hope so.

I didn’t follow any legal or non-legal news during my absence, so I’ll be counting on you guys to bring me up to speed. But I’m not too concerned. I’m like Tiger Woods on Sunday with a 54-hole lead, I never lose.

It’s great to be back.

Now that aspiring lawyers have taken the bar exam, they can relax and try to forget about it until the fall, when results come in. One way of relieving stress is “the bar trip”: a post-bar exam vacation to an exotic locale, for sun, surf, or snow, depending on one’s travel preferences.

The bar trip — the last hurrah before immersion into the grim realities of law firm life — is a tradition among law grads. But we’re hearing that the recession may be interfering with the tradition this year. With Biglaw start dates pushed back, and talk of lower salaries running rampant, law grads may be feeling less celebratory this year.

Purely anecdotally, law grads have told us that they’re scaling back. They’re not going on extravagant bar trips, and in some cases, not going on bar trips at all.

Are we only friends with fiscally conservative types, or is this actually a trend this year? Are you thinking of a “staycation,” or are you still planning a trip around the world?

If you’re traveling, please tell us where you’re heading and for how long. If you are heading out of the country, we hope you’ll be sure to spend some time in internet cafes checking out the latest ATL news.

Earlier: Post-Bar Travel: Open Thread

Well, it’s my five-year wedding anniversary (yesterday). You know what that means. I’m responsible for a lot of wood.

In a desperate attempt to convince my wife to hang around for a sixth year, I’m taking the week off. Yeah, the whole week. It’s pretty cool to not be working at a law firm anymore. But it’ll be a “stay-cation,” because I don’t work at a law firm anymore. I hear the Yo-Yo Open is in the city this weekend.

I leave you in the always capable of hands of Mr. David Lat. Next week should be a lot of fun on Above the Law. New Vault rankings are coming out and either there will be a significant shake-up in the rankings or some people are going to lose there their ever-lovin’ minds.

Don’t forget to send your tips into tips@abovethelaw.com. Have fun, I’ll catch you on August 17th.

Stroking of breasts can (eventually) culminate in pregnancy. But, as far as we know, the breaststroke can’t.

Magdalena Kwiatkowska might disagree. She’s filing a lawsuit because her teenage daughter became pregnant during a recent trip to Egypt. From the Daily Mail (via Transracial):

A mother is suing a hotel claiming her teenage daughter fell pregnant simply from using a hotel swimming pool.

Magdalena Kwiatkowska says the 13-year-old conceived after coming into contact with ‘stray sperm’ in the water of an Egyptian resort.

We’re sure her daughter encountered sperm somehow at the resort, and maybe even in the pool, but it likely wasn’t “stray.” Still, her mother insists “‘that her daughter didn’t meet any boys while she was there,’ a travel industry source said.”

This lawsuit makes us feel slightly less guilty about the “dumb Polack” jokes we used to tell in elementary school.

UPDATE: Kash does not condone racial or ethnic slurs, but she does admit to poor joke judgment as a second-grader in Floriduh.

My daughter, 13, got pregnant by swimming in hotel pool, claims mother [Daily Mail]
VACATION VIRGIN: Mama Says Stray Sperm in Hotel Pool Got Daughter Pregnant [Transracial]
Mother Claims Hotel Pool Got Her Daughter Pregnant [Hotel Chatter]

[Ed. note: This post is authored by ATL guest columnist Hope Winters. Hope is an early retired lawyer, turned Senate staffer, turned corporate lobbyist. She lives in Washington, DC. Read her previous work here. Read part I of this piece here.]

After this dinner I’m still starving from, we hop into the car to drive to the purported “private” room we paid extra for. Now I’m really starting to believe murder or rape is a foregone conclusion. I attract criminals like Jewish men attract Asian girls. And here’s the thing, there’s nothing to stop anyone from doing anything. We’re not allowed to lock either our door nor the front door to the Brady Brunchesque house we will be staying in tonight. Our “private” room is in this house. I said a private room. Like hotel room. Not a room in some random family’s house. Not some room I’m not allowed to lock.

As I enter the spacious open living room containing a lot blue mats and a lot small purple chairs for meditation, I find a DVD player. Excellent. Civility. I’ll just do my Denise Austin Yoga for Abs video and skip class tomorrow. It’s almost pitch black in the room because not only do these people not eat, they don’t do electricity.

I walk over to the big glass window peering out over the water — trying to find the lake, and then, I hear this boy’s voice.

“Hey.” I turn around quickly.

Plaid flannel shirt. Black wire rimmed glasses. Scruffy beard. Red North Face jacket. So Ted Bundy.

I have met my maker.

Can Hope survive her first encounter with Ashram men? Non-homicidal details after the jump.

[Ed. note: This post is authored by ATL guest columnist Hope Winters. Hope is an early retired lawyer, turned Senate staffer, turned corporate lobbyist. She lives in Washington, DC. Read her previous work here.]

Well, as I told you in my last piece, I have been desperately searching for inner peace during these incredibly depressing times.

I decided, however, that I needed to amp up my desire for such peace. Meditation class was increasingly becoming too easy, and I was now ready to become a guru of inner peace. So, my friend Olivia and I packed up our car, left the comforts of our urban existence, and headed out to the great unknown. The Ashram.

I had found the Ashram online. It was a place where we could find balance, do yoga, and eat organic vegetarian meals. And it was dirt cheap, to boot. Girls, in case you missed the Times piece, ashrams are the new spas. We all have to cut back now. And isn’t it about time we work on our insides instead of outsides? Don’t worry. Those saddle bags are going to whittle away anyway due to scarce food supplies forecasted for fourth quarter ‘09.

“I didn’t know it was a silent retreat all weekend. I thought that was just on Saturday.” Olivia, already breaking the rules, whispers to me upon arrival.

Oops. I forgot to shepardize this case. I don’t recall reading that part on the website.

More after the jump.

Many have noted that the jobless rate hit 9.4% today, and many are calling that excellent news. Bloomberg reports:

The U.S. lost fewer jobs than forecast in May, reinforcing signs that the deepest recession in half a century is starting to abate….

“The recession is very close to an end,” said Nariman Behravesh, chief economist at IHS Global Insight in Lexington, Massachusetts, whose payrolls forecast matched the closest estimate in a Bloomberg News survey. “The labor market is still pretty awful, but vastly better than it was.”

Did anybody else just hear Kevin Bacon screaming “all is well”?

But maybe the new numbers are positive. The L.A. Times tells us about the happy experiences of the “funemployed”:

Michael Van Gorkom was laid off by Yahoo in late April. He didn’t panic. He didn’t rush off to a therapist. Instead, the 33-year-old Santa Monica resident discovered that being jobless “kind of settled nicely.” …

What most people would call unemployment, Van Gorkom embraced as “funemployment.”

While millions of Americans struggle to find work as they face foreclosures and bankruptcy, others have found a silver lining in the economic meltdown. These happily jobless tend to be single and in their 20s and 30s. Some were laid off. Some quit voluntarily, lured by generous buyouts.

Not to have a type A meltdown, but what the hell are these people talking about?

I call shenanigans, after the jump.

Last week, we brought you information about which firms respect your weekends — and which don’t. This week, we tackle a related topic: vacation. As noted earlier today, it’s an area where firms have been making changes lately.

At which firms are your vacations safe? And at which firms might vacation time be at risk — assuming your firm hasn’t given you a permanent vacation (a la McDermott)?

Most associates at top law firms said that it is uncommon for vacations to be canceled, but it happens sometimes. Firms where vacations appear to be the safest include Akin Gump, Sidley, Weil and Winston, where more than one-third of the associates at each firm report that it is very rare for associates to be expected to cancel vacation.

Honorable mention goes to Dechert, Baker & McKenzie, Milbank, Orrick, Skadden, and Willkie.

At which firms is vacation cancellation more likely? After the jump.

Recently, we’ve seen a lot of law firms take creative approaches to cutting costs. At Sedgwick, Detert, Moran & Arnold, the firm’s new approach to attorney vacations could save a bit of money, especially if the firm decides to go through a round of layoffs.

While discussing the Morrison & Foerster face-time policy, a commenter pointed out:

It is the same way in “firm holidays” and “vacation days”. When you have a minimum billable requirement, it doesn’t matter if the firm gives you unlimited amounts of vacation, because if you miss your expected hours, you will be more than able to take all the vacation you want when you are fired.

It appears that Sedgwick is doing just that. Last month, the firm decided to do away with the traditional concept of “vacation days.” The firm’s new approach allows attorneys to take as much time off as they want/need, provided they schedule it within their group. Here’s how the firm memo explains the new policy:

Sound great? A tipster explains the flip side of the new plan after the jump.

Maybe work is booming at Schulte Roth & Zabel? The firm is changing its vacation policy to make it more stringent. Could it be that the firm wants all hands on deck? A tipster reports the major changes:

* Personal days are now limited to 5 per year (there was previously no limit). Any days in excess of 5 count as vacation.

* SRZ previously reimbursed attorneys for nonrefundable costs associated with vacations that the firm cancelled due to work obligations. The new policy states that reimbursement will now be considered on a case-by-case basis.

* Weekend trips will only be reimbursed when the firm requires them to be cancelled if the trip has been previously approved by the partner appointed to approve vacations. The firm previously did not require attorneys to request approval for weekend trips.

Another tipster quips:

Schulte Tries Increasing Egg Production by Choking the Chicken

But it could also be that Schulte’s new vacation policy has an eye towards layoffs.

Read more, after the jump.

We’re running late to the airport, so we’re keeping it short and sweet. If you’re looking for an entertaining vacation memo, try this one or this one instead.

Your above-signed scribe — who has been writing more for these pages lately, as some of you have noticed — will be out of the office, from now until Tuesday, May 12. We’re heading off to the ancestral homeland, for the weddings of two cousins (not to each other; but those of you who have taken the New York bar know that this is acceptable in the Empire State).

Although internet access is plentiful in the Philippines, we’ve decided to go “off the grid” for this vacation. We won’t be checking email or voicemail. We won’t be on AIM or Gchat. We won’t be on Facebook or Twitter (but feel free to friend us or follow us, and we’ll accept the request or return the follow when we get back to NYC).

Please send all tips, questions, complaints, requests for comment moderation, and suggestions for Non-Sequiturs to tips@abovethelaw.com. The tips feed goes to both Elie and Kash, who will keep you enlightened and entertained over the next two weeks. You can also reach Elie by telephone: 212-334-1871, ext. 3. For advertising information, see here.

Maraming salamat! See you in May.

Earlier: Elie’s Vacation Memo
How Does A Turkey Write A Vacation Memo?

TO: ATL Readers, Commenters, Tipsters
CC: The General Public, The Grammar Police, NYPD, LVPD

FROM: Elie Mystal

SUBJECT: Whereabouts and Other Sundries

I will be out of the office from right about now until Monday, February 23rd.

I have not been fired (so far as I am aware). My performance is not under review. I’m not having a heart attack. Nobody took my stapler. I’m not stuck at “the Sizzler” waiting for the jaws of life to pry me out of the door. I’m just taking a little vacation.

Above the Law won’t miss a beat. Lat and Kash will both be around as always, breaking news, providing insight, and keeping all of the readers in the loop.

But, for extra help during these crazy times, we’re bringing in a guest editor.

You know her, you love her, many of you voted for her six months ago: Marin will be girl-in-the-know next week on Above the Law. I trust that everybody will treat her with the same kindness and respect that I’ve come to so thoroughly enjoy.

I’ll not be checking email or voice mail, nor will I be scanning the sky for smoke signals. Carrier pigeons and other messenger fowl will be shot on sight.

Please send all of your tips, questions, concerns, hot documents, and non-sequitur ideas to tips@abovethelaw.com, so that Lat, Kash, and Marin know what you want to read about.

And if you happen to be in Vegas this weekend, feel free to stop by and say hi. I’ll be the loudest guy at Venetian, the broke guy in the Bellagio poker room, or the mentally unstable, homeless-looking person taking money from people with no understanding of European history at Excalibur.

We here at ATL are big believers in push-back. Tell the partners and your colleagues about your personal needs and desires, and try your best to take some control over your work schedule. The firm can survive without you.

But the theory behind successful push back is that you are not the most important person at the firm. It seems that one first-year associate didn’t learn that lesson. He sent out the following “vacation memo,” after just three days at the firm:

1. I will depart for vacation on Wednesday, November 26th (the Wednesday before thanksgiving). I plan to return to the office on Tuesday, December 2nd (the Tuesday after Thanksgiving).

2. In case of emergency, I will be staying at [redacted]. I can best be reached on my cell phone at [redacted]. I will be visiting my parents, and their house has a landline [redacted].

3. The secretaries in my pool will open my mail. These are [redacted].

4. I will be answering my own phone at the numbers listed above.

5. I currently have received no matters, though this will undoubtedly change by Thanksgiving.

6. I will send out an update and official vacation memorandum with this information a week before Thanksgiving.

Some helpful advice, after the jump.

In last Monday’s ATL / Lateral Link survey, we asked you whether you were taking any vacations this summer.

We received just under 900 responses, and the overwhelming majority of you reported that you will be escaping the office for at least a little while this summer.

Overall, 86% of you have taken, or will take, a vacation, or at least a vacation day:

  * About 24% of respondents are taking a quick break of 1 to 3 days.
  * Another 18% of respondents reported summer vacations of 4 or 5 days.
  * 16% are taking between 6 and 8 days, and 13% are going for two weeks.
  * About 5% of respondents are taking 3 or more weeks.

Among the attorneys who aren’t taking vacation this summer, 46% said that they just have too much work to get done. But 35% have the opposite problem: they need the hours. A surprisingly high number of respondents, 28%, said that they just don’t feel comfortable taking vacations. Only 7%, however, said that a partner told them not to take a vacation this summer. Another 7% are sticking around because they want to impress people, which will perhaps cause their peers to want to take more vacations themselves.

Of course, whether in the office or out, not all attorneys can completely escape their responsibilities. An unlucky 13% of respondents have had to cancel vacation plans this summer, and 55% of respondents with uncancelled summer plans either did work or expect to work during their vacations.

But hey, a busy summer is much better than the alternative, right?

—
Justin Bernold is a Director at Lateral Link, the sponsor of this Associate Life Survey.

Bloggers tend to be so hyper-connected that being away from Internet service for more than two hours can feel like an eternity. Due to the numerous e-mails flying around law firms, and the expectation of rapid response, lawyers tend to have a similar connectivity addiction. The Blackberry is the sweet, sweet drug that feeds the need.

We know how dedicated you all are to your Blackberries. What if you were forced to give it up in order to really go on vacation and get away from the firm?

UK-based Linklaters is doing just that, reports Law People.

Linklaters is reported having decreed, in a fit of concern for work/life balance, that lawyers leave their Blackberrys at home while on holiday (vacation to us).The order is designed to insulate associates, in particular, from the relentless rat race for a few sweet weeks a year, according to management. “Sometimes it’s the small things that count,” one partner averred. While another lawyer confessed that “I feel naked without my Blackberry and there are times when you just have to be reachable.” Whether the firm is successful in enforcing this edict is not yet clear.

We think this will just result in compounding of guilt, as attorneys feel the shame of obsessively checking their Blackberries while “on holiday,” and the need to hide the illicit Blackberry checking from the firm. What do you think about the policy?

In today’s ATL / Lateral Link survey, it’s time to focus on time off.

ATL has previously reported on firms trimming the length of their summer programs, in part because of economic doldrums, but also at least purportedly in part because of vacation cycles.

As one firm’s managing partner put it: “We believe that the August vacation season for our attorneys is simply not a period that is conducive to a positive Summer Associate experience.”

So, it being “vacation season,” are you taking any?

Update: This survey is now closed. Click here for the results.

—
Justin Bernold is a Director at Lateral Link, the sponsor of this Associate Life Survey.

With bar exams taking place at the end of this month, a bunch of almost-lawyers are furiously studying away. It’s not the worst way to spend the dog days of summer… but it’s pretty bad. If you’re in that boat, we wish you luck (and encourage you to spend your study breaks here at ATL).

While few look forward to taking the bar, many look forward to post-bar, pre-start-date travel: the legendary, celebrated bar trip, your last hurrah before immersion into the grim realities of law firm life. With Biglaw start dates pushed back at quite a few firms (see here, here, and here), some of you may have more travel time than expected.

So where are you headed, and how long are you staying there? Or where are you considering going? Is Europe still a desirable destination, or does the weakness of the dollar put it out of reach? Is southeast Asia still a popular pick, or is a post-bar trip to Thailand so “five minutes ago”? Please share your views, in the comments.

If nothing else, this post should trigger you to buy airplane tickets — e.g., on a 21-day advance fare — if you haven’t done so already. Last-minute airfare deals seem to be a thing of the past (perhaps due to rising fuel costs). If you want to get a ticket using frequent flyer miles, you need to act fast — heck, you may even be too late — given the dwindling supply of such seats.

Kash leaves today for two months in Hong Kong — an unfortunate destination in terms of weather right now, described by the Lonely Planet guide as “punishingly hot and humid” during the summer. Hope you’ve made wiser choices!

We received 1,046 responses to last week’s ATL / Lateral Link survey on vacation time.

Roughly two thirds of respondents reported that their firms offered four weeks of vacation, but sixteen percent are at three-week firms, six percent are at firms with only two weeks of vacation, and a handful are at firms with but a single week. Five percent of respondents are at firms that do not offer vacation time at all, while six percent are at firms that offer more than four weeks.

Among the firms offering four weeks of paid vacation, about a quarter of respondents took at least 20 vacation days, with another twelve percent of respondents taking 16 to 19 vacation days. Another quarter of respondents took between 11 and 15 vacation days. Almost a fifth of respondents, however, took fewer than five vacation days.

At firms offering three weeks of paid vacation, almost a quarter of respondents took at least 15 vacation days, with another seventeen percent of respondents taking 11 to 15 vacation days. Thirty-six percent of respondents, however, took only 6 to 10 vacation days, and thirty-five percent took one week or less.

Roughly two fifths of respondents who didn’t take all their vacations explained that they simply had too much work to get done. Another quarter, however, felt they needed the hours, and about the same number felt uncomfortable taking vacations. Five percent of respondents skipped vacations because they wanted to impress people, and roughly the same number were actually instructed by a partner to stay at the office. Twenty-two percent of respondents actually cancelled vacations last year.

Of course, not every vacation was really a vacation. Roughly 63% of respondents said they did work while on vacation last year.

Will there be better luck this year? Maybe not. Only 37% of respondents said their firms allowed them to roll over unused vacation days. Fifty-one percent were at use-it-or-lose-it firms, and the rest were unsure.