Utah

Morning Docket: 09.07.11

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Beata Boman: See what I mean?

* Sprint hopped in bed with Skadden to sue AT&T over its proposed merger with T-Mobile. Somewhere in America, the Verizon guy is cackling with glee. “Can you hear me now, b*tches?” [Bloomberg]

* “I would love to dominate and humiliate and degrade you, privately of course.” Remember this guy? Six of the nine charges against attorney Robert Hoffman have been dismissed. [ABA Journal]

* Another sport, another months-long lockout. NBA owners and players better make a deal soon, or else this year’s basketball season is going to get benched. [New York Daily News]

* Utah wants to throw out the Sister Wives bigamy suit because no one really cares about polygamy except television viewers. Lawsuits are great for Nielsen ratings, though. [Deseret News]

* Ah, the strange anatomy of a privacy lawsuit settlement. Next time you decide to take naked pictures, make sure your laptop didn’t fall off the back of a truck before saving them. [ABC News]

* Socialite Beata Boman got a great deal on her larceny charges. She stole a scarf, but she probably should’ve stole a blazer that fit her massive boobs, instead. [New York Post]

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Non-Sequiturs: 09.06.11

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Accepted in Utah.

* Prop 8 made an appearance today at the California Supreme Court before newly seated Justice Goodwin Liu. As suspected, the liberal Liu immediately made the proponents have sex with each other as he cackled “I hate families.” [Poliglot / Metro Weekly]

* Next time a TSA agent sticks her hand down your pants and cops a feel, try not to call it “rape” on your blog. Instead, maybe just admit that you were asking for it by showing up to the airport dressed in all them clothes. [Techdirt]

* After Labor Day, consider that “every day should be a day to care about working people.” And don’t forget that even though judges live in impenetrable fortresses of justice, they are people, too. [Underdog]

* Here’s a good one for the 1Ls. If you’re a grieving mother and your boss forces you to remove pictures of your dead daughter from your cubicle as if she never existed, is he intentionally inflicting emotional distress upon you? Nope, but he sure is a douchebag. [Courthouse News Service]

* “In my day, we used to walk 70 miles to school…” Next time grandpa forces you to hike the Grand Canyon and starts with this old codger rhetoric, give your mom a call. That’s not legal. [CBS News]

Grandpa's idea of fun.

* If you have time to read real books, maybe you should check some of these out from the library. Do those even exist anymore? Ugh, just download them to your Kindle. [Constitutional Daily]

* One is the loneliest number, especially if you’re supposed to be in a partnership. Professor Larry Ribstein has some ideas on what ought to happen post-breakup. [Truth on the Market]

* Ahoy, me matey. This law blogarrrr wants ya t’ know that if ya want t’ trade for booty usin’ yer gold doubloons, steer yer ship toward th’ land o’ many wives. [Adjunct Law Prof Blog]

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Morning Docket: 09.01.11

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Paul Bergrin

* Paul Bergrin wants to represent himself in his racketeering case. They say that a man who represents himself has a fool for a client, but that’s not the case when you’re considered the Baddest Lawyer in the History of Jersey. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

* Hordes of Biglaw lawyers couldn’t stop the DOJ from trying to block the AT&T/T-Mobile merger. New antitrust issues abound, like “higher prices, fewer choices and lower quality products.” They already have a monopoly on crappy coverage. [Am Law Daily]

* The truth? You can’t handle the truth! That, or you don’t really care about it when it comes to Barry Bonds. The big-headed baseball MVP will not face a retrial on his perjury charges. [CNN]

* Sasan Ansari, a convicted killer in Canada, will return to the University of British Columbia to complete law school. Good luck with your character and fitness evaluation, eh? [Vancouver Sun]

Jessica Beagley

* Jessica Beagley managed to avoid jail time at sentencing. Come on, judge, you could’ve at least given her a taste of her own medicine: hot sauce and a cold shower. [WSJ Law Blog]

* BitTorrent porn? On my grandma’s computer? It’s more likely than you think. After this California granny scolded Steele Hansmeier, the lawsuit against her was dropped. She mailed the firm a Werther’s Original in thanks. [Huffington Post]

* Nudity first, names later. I like this sheriff deputy’s alleged style. A girl in Utah is suing over a roadside traffic rendezvous that she says turned into an illegal strip search. [Standard-Examiner]

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Morning Docket: 08.09.11

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* The hotel maid behind DSK’s extended stay in New York has now sued her alleged attacker. Remember, this is all about the truth. It has nothing to do with money. [CNN]

* Should you be worried about the stock market’s seppuku yesterday? If you like money, then probably. If you like your job as an M&A attorney, then definitely. [The Recorder]

* Illinois is giving sex trafficking victims the chance to vacate their prostitution convictions. Even if Reema Bajaj gets convicted, she still couldn’t use this law to clear her name. [Chicago Sun-Times]

* Therapy dogs aren’t just for law school libraries anymore. Now they’re appearing in courtrooms. But is an adorable dog unfair to defendants? Only if you hate dogs… and justice. [New York Times]

* Frank McCourt is still on deck for his at bat with Bingham McCutchen. The good news is that the Dodgers can keep on sucking in the interim. [Los Angeles Times]

* We’re happy that the Breaking Media dress code doesn’t include “Tube-top Tuesday” and “Wet T-shirt Wednesday.” An employee in Utah claims she isn’t as lucky as us. [Salt Lake Tribune]

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Crosses Memorializing Dead State Troopers in Utah Ruled Unconstitutional

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Today the Tenth Circuit told the state of Utah that it could no longer erect crosses by the side of the highway memorializing state troopers who have died. The WSJ Law Blog excerpts this part of the opinion in American Atheists, Inc. v. Duncan (PDF):

“This may lead the reasonable observer to fear that Christians are likely to receive preferential treatment from the [Utah Highway Patrol],” the judges wrote, adding elsewhere in the opinion that “unlike Christmas, which has been widely embraced as a secular holiday. . . . there is no evidence in this case that the cross has been widely embraced by non-Christians as a secular symbol of death.”

I’m sorry, are there Hindus driving through Utah who are unaware that “Christians are likely to receive preferential treatment” in Utah? If so, I’d call that person a most unreasonable observer.

All joking aside, are we really living in a world where a simple cross to mark the death of a government worker violates the Establishment Clause?

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Utah Invokes Eminent Domain Against the Federal Government

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This is the kind of story that sounds unbelievable — until you realize that it’s dealing with the people who run Utah. The WSJ Law Blog reports:

Utah Governor Gary Herbert on Saturday authorized the use of eminent domain to take some of the U.S. government’s most valuable parcels.

A state is invoking the Takings Clause against the federal government? This reminds me of the time I came home and my dog told me to get off the couch. Sure, I was surprised that my dog was (a) talking and (b) ordering me off my own property. And so I resolved, right then and there, to never drop acid again.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what the hell Utah lawmakers are smoking …

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