I don’t know anything about My Community Legal Network. Its website tells us this:

Introduced in 2009, My Community Legal Network scoured through millions of legal and financial professionals looking for the most knowledgeable and sophisticated providers. Then we took the collective bargaining power that comes from millions of Americans and negotiated wholesale prices from these top professionals. We take these discounted rates and offer them directly to our members. There is no markup; only the best professionals at the best prices. My Community Legal Network currently only offers services in the United States but has plans to expand these services to Canada, Mexico, and South America by the end of 2010.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Based on that description, I suppose the picture after the jump will make more horrifying sense.

Williams Mullen is a prominent Richmond-based law firm that is “100 years strong,” according to its website. For 18 of those years, Vietnam native Hanh Nguyen Allgood, 53, was a case manager for the firm. She left in March 2007.

Apparently, the departure was not “all good” with her. She has filed a $950,000 lawsuit against the firm, alleging discrimination and sexual harassment, according to Style Weekly.

Litigation partner Robert Eicher bears the brunt of Allgood’s sexual harassment allegations. According to her complaint [PDF], he asked when he first met her whether “her vagina was vertical or horizontal,” a reference to “a horrible racial slur bandied about by some American soldiers during the Viet Nam War contending that Vietnamese women had vertical vaginas.”

And then there was the cucumber incident….

UPDATE: A statement from the firm has been added after the jump.

Meet Stewart Rhodes. He graduated in 2004 from Yale Law School, where his paper, “Solving the Puzzle of Enemy Combatant Status,” won a prize for the best paper on the Bill of Rights. Before entering the law, he served as a U.S. Army paratrooper.

What’s Rhodes up to now? Many military men turned lawyers troop off to large law firms, where the discipline and diligence cultivated in the armed forces help them succeed. Others join the JAG Corps or work for defense contractors.

But Rhodes, who was a non-traditional student at YLS, has taken a non-traditional career path since graduating.

Like most people, I’m having trouble focusing on my duties given the perils of Balloon Boy, Falcon Heene. According to my television, the balloon is down, there is no boy in it, and as of now we don’t know where the boy is. And the parents were on Wife Swap. Here’s a write-up of the episode the Heene family was featured on. Crazy story.

Of course, multitasking is an important life skill. It’s a skill that one law student hasn’t seemed to master, at least when attractive women are around. Here’s the Craigslist ode from a law student somewhere in the D.C. area to an apparently stunning vixen:

Morally Bankrupt - m4w

I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor’s prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me.

I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j).

My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let’s grab a drink after class. I know it’s a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them.

P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you.

Beautiful bankruptcy babe — you know who you are — it looks like you have a not-so-secret admirer. Let us know if it works out.

Morally Bankrupt [Craigslist]

Here’s a strange little story that we meant to cover during the week but missed. From the Philadelphia Daily News:

Ever heard the one about the exploding toilet? Well, an Olney woman could tell you all about it, from firsthand experience….

It happened on Oct. 30, 2007, according to the lawsuit, when a toilet the woman was using “exploded” in an eighth-floor ladies’ room at the 1900 Market Street building.

“Excess water pressure caused a toilet to explode causing plaintiff to be thrown from the bathroom stall, thereby causing her severe and permanent injuries,” the suit said.

And then they tried to charge her for an enema. The nerve!

So what injuries does plaintiff claim as a result of sitting on Old Faithful?

On Monday, we reviewed the new website of Ballard Spahr. The firm rolled out a new name: it’s just Ballard Spahr LLP now, and not Ballard, Spahr, Andrews & Ingersoll LLP. While it shaved some names from its moniker, it upped its photo count: attorneys had to take two photos for their bios, a head shot and a full-body shot.

We created a poll and asked whether it’s acceptable for your firm to ask you to take a body shot for the website. Almost 70% of you said no.

But Ballard’s not the only firm making its attorney do body shots. Commenters on the Ballard thread pointed us to another firm that requires both body shots and a bit of acting.

They do it bigger and better in Texas. A San Antonio-based law firm, Cox Smith, makes its attorneys take three photos for their firm bio pages.

A selection of the Cox “triple threat” photos — along with reader-provided captions, some of them irreverent, so consider yourselves warned — after the jump.

Ballard Spahr has revamped its website. It’s clean, it’s fresh, and it has lots of stock photos and little comment pop-ups. One ATL reader urged us to take a closer look:

You guys have to check out the new Ballard Spahr website, it is hysterical. Click on any attorney, there are two pictures, face and body. It looks like a model portfolio or comp card for actors.

We did some clicking in Ballard Spahr’s “People” section, and we can confirm there’s some amusement value to the head shots paired with full body shots.

While we perused, we wondered whether it’s reasonable to ask associates, special counsel, and partners to go beyond the head shot. Some looked happier about it than others. Check out some of our favorite Ballard body shots and take our poll, after the jump.

Mainly we’re posting this because it’s a Friday afternoon and rainy (at least here in New York). We figure you need some entertainment to launch you into the weekend.

But there is a legal angle to this music video. It might have spawned intellectual property litigation, if Disney — and Miley Cyrus — didn’t have such a good sense of humor. Enjoy!

(If you like, feel free to discuss “fair use” issues in the music video context in the comments.)

Disney Allows a Gay Miley Cyrus Knock-Off Video to Flourish Online [Media Decoder / New York Times]
Finally, an Excuse to Post This Video of Fire Island Gays Lip-synching to Miley Cyrus [Daily Intel / New York Magazine]
Fire Island Gays Get the Attention of Miley Cyrus With ‘Party’ Video [Towleroad]

Way back in 2007, a time so long ago that firms actually made offers to summer associates, we mentioned the story of UConn law professor Robert Birmingham. The professor showed a clip from the movie Really Really Pimpin’ in Da South, and got in a little bit of trouble. The film is (apparently) a “prostitution training film” that contained an interview the professor wanted his students to see. Professor Birmingham was forced to take a leave of absence back then, but he’s back on campus.

Unfortunately for the professor, now his girlfriend is in trouble. Heather Kaufmann — who is not only Professor Birmingham’s girlfriend but also represented Birmingham back in 2007 — has been charged with a litany of crimes. The Hartford Courrant reports:

Heather Kaufmann, 33, surrendered to police Monday and is facing charges of second-degree forgery, third-degree larceny, third-degree identity theft, credit card theft, receiving goods illegally, charging less than $500 on a revoked credit card and five counts of fraudulent use of an ATM….

According to court documents, police said that in the days following the death of her aunt on Dec. 7, 2008, Kaufmann used her aunt’s ATM card and wrote a check on the account that, together, came to more than $3,200.

Birmingham isn’t just tainted by the romantic association with Kaufmann; he allegedly also received some of the misappropriated funds.

Before the recession, this would have surprised me. Now, it seems relatively pedestrian. The Joplin Globe reports (via the ABA Journal):

BAXTER SPRINGS, Kan. — Lawyers Chris Meek and Nathan Coleman are taking it on the road. They have turned a 2002 Volkswagen Rialta into a mobile law office.

“It’s a convenience factor for our clients,” Coleman said of the recreational vehicle, sometimes called a Winnebago Rialta.

If an ambulance leaves Manhattan, KS, traveling at 75 mph, and a mobile law office leaves Baxter Springs, KS, traveling at 50 mph, at what point do the two vehicles collide and open a portal to another dimension heralding the apocalypse?

Baxter Springs and Joplin law partners bring office to clients [Joplin Globe]
Lawyers Turn a 2002 RV into a Mobile Law Office [ABA Journal]

Yesterday we told you about the firm Trial Lawyers For Justice asking job applicants to send in some non-standard information. Among other things, the firm asked potential employees to send in a family photograph.

We asked Nick Rowley — who wrote the ad asking for applicants to send in their personal story and political beliefs along with their picture — to explain how these factors affect his decision making process for new hires.

He furnished Above the Law with a full response. We’re publishing it full after the jump. Let Mr. Rowley know if you agree with his reasons in the comments.

We all know that it is difficult to get a job in this legal market. But an advertisement posted on the Minnesota state bar website makes it look like we are just one step away from genetic testing for junior associates. At least in Iowa.

The request for new talent starts off very earnestly:

DECORAH, IA plaintiff firm is seeking a brilliant hardworking lawyer who would rather do research and writing than be in court. Firm practices catastrophic injury, medical malpractice, and wrongful death and is seeking a lawyer licensed or in the process of becoming licensed in Iowa and/or Minnesota willing to get licensed in both with a possibility of Wisconsin and California, who is willing to relocate to Decorah, IA. Position will be handling of the firm’s law and motion, discovery, legal research, and appeals (to work 50 hours per week, full time inside the office to prepare the firm’s trial lawyers who travel and spend most of their time in court). One month paid vacation per year, salary is negotiable and commensurate with experience and qualifications, the firm may be willing to provide housing in Decorah, IA. Writing samples, resume, and examples of briefs and projects worked on is required.

But then this plaintiff’s firm ad becomes … kind of creepy:

Much thought is going to be put into who will fill this very important position with the firm. Persons who are interested are requested to email a personal story of who the applicant is, what his or her political beliefs are, and what they believe about justice and personal injury litigation along with a recent personal and/or family photograph.

Political beliefs? A family photo? You know, this is one time where a little “X law firm is an equal opportunity employer …” tagline would be comforting.

What law firm put this advertisement together? Details after the jump.

If an institution as stodgy as Harvard University can give rise to a fashion line, why can’t the Supreme Court of the United States?

What we’re wearing today, after the jump.

We’ve covered the legislative twists and turns of same-sex marriage fairly closely here at ATL. But there was one notable court case we missed back in March.

We thought Dr. Li-Ann Thio’s description of anal sex as “shoving a straw up your nose to drink” was graphic, but this article by the Register on attempted same-sex female marital rape is even more explicit:

A Massachusetts woman has appeared in court on a domestic assault and battery rap after allegedly attempting to impregnate her wife with a plastic syringe containing her brother’s sperm.

Stephanie K Lighten, 26, of Pittsfield, was reportedly “all liquored up” when she made unwelcome advances towards her other half, 33-year-old Jennifer Lighten. Jennifer explained to officers that Stephanie “had been talking about trying to impregnate her for some time”, and that she’d accordingly armed herself with a “turkey baster and her brother’s semen in a sealed container”.

According to Lez Get Real, there were no rape charges per Jennifer’s request, just a domestic assault and battery charge.

Apparently these lovebirds were able to put the turkey baster incident behind them. We checked in with the Central Berkshire District Court and found out the case was dismissed in April.

US woman attacks missus with sperm-filled syringe [Register]

A reader sent this Craigslist ad along, noting the “uninhibited freedom of expression afforded to smaller firms” in their advertising as opposed to “uber-processed biglaw ads.” Yes, MidLaw and SmallLaw, thank you for providing the fuel for our Adventures in Lawyer Advertising series.

The advertising California-based firm, Le Pelletier, has one of the strangest websites we’ve ever seen. There is only one attorney listed: the firm’s managing partner, Erin Carlstrom Pelletier. Her LinkedIn profile says she is a Yale undergrad, Pepperdine Law ‘08 grad, who apparently started her own firm.

In case you can’t read it, here’s an excerpt from the ad:

Do you need a stealthy warrior specially trained in the unorthodox arts of law? How about a team that can sneak under the cover of darkness to silently assassinate your debt? Le and Pelletier, LLP can be your ninja! We will stalk your enemies like a shadow and strike before they ever knew what hit them.

The rest of the text and some gems from the firm’s site, after the jump.

It’s hard to overstate the love between Hunton & Williams and UVA Law School. The firm sponsors a number of pro-bono fellowships at UVA Law, they come together to offer pro-bono services in the Charlottesville community, and there’s even a UVA Law building — or at least a sizable part of one — named after Hunton & Williams:

The firm and the law school go together like peas and carrots.

So you can imagine our surprise to learn that Hunton & Williams doesn’t seem to be on the UVA Law “on-grounds interviewing” (OGI) list.

Tipsters explain, after the jump.

[Ed. note: This post is authored by ATL guest columnist Hope Winters. Hope is an early retired lawyer, turned Senate staffer, turned corporate lobbyist. She lives in Washington, DC. Read her previous work here. Read part I of this piece here.]

After this dinner I’m still starving from, we hop into the car to drive to the purported “private” room we paid extra for. Now I’m really starting to believe murder or rape is a foregone conclusion. I attract criminals like Jewish men attract Asian girls. And here’s the thing, there’s nothing to stop anyone from doing anything. We’re not allowed to lock either our door nor the front door to the Brady Brunchesque house we will be staying in tonight. Our “private” room is in this house. I said a private room. Like hotel room. Not a room in some random family’s house. Not some room I’m not allowed to lock.

As I enter the spacious open living room containing a lot blue mats and a lot small purple chairs for meditation, I find a DVD player. Excellent. Civility. I’ll just do my Denise Austin Yoga for Abs video and skip class tomorrow. It’s almost pitch black in the room because not only do these people not eat, they don’t do electricity.

I walk over to the big glass window peering out over the water — trying to find the lake, and then, I hear this boy’s voice.

“Hey.” I turn around quickly.

Plaid flannel shirt. Black wire rimmed glasses. Scruffy beard. Red North Face jacket. So Ted Bundy.

I have met my maker.

Can Hope survive her first encounter with Ashram men? Non-homicidal details after the jump.

[Ed. note: This post is authored by ATL guest columnist Hope Winters. Hope is an early retired lawyer, turned Senate staffer, turned corporate lobbyist. She lives in Washington, DC. Read her previous work here.]

Well, as I told you in my last piece, I have been desperately searching for inner peace during these incredibly depressing times.

I decided, however, that I needed to amp up my desire for such peace. Meditation class was increasingly becoming too easy, and I was now ready to become a guru of inner peace. So, my friend Olivia and I packed up our car, left the comforts of our urban existence, and headed out to the great unknown. The Ashram.

I had found the Ashram online. It was a place where we could find balance, do yoga, and eat organic vegetarian meals. And it was dirt cheap, to boot. Girls, in case you missed the Times piece, ashrams are the new spas. We all have to cut back now. And isn’t it about time we work on our insides instead of outsides? Don’t worry. Those saddle bags are going to whittle away anyway due to scarce food supplies forecasted for fourth quarter ‘09.

“I didn’t know it was a silent retreat all weekend. I thought that was just on Saturday.” Olivia, already breaking the rules, whispers to me upon arrival.

Oops. I forgot to shepardize this case. I don’t recall reading that part on the website.

More after the jump.

We’ve written before about a unique perk for the attorneys in Venable’s D.C. office. Like many firms, the office has a rooftop with amazing views of the nation’s capital. Unlike most firms, it also has a rooftop bocce court.

The bocce balling and Venable’s representation of Michael Jackson led us to ask at the time whether the firm is DC’s weirdest. We hear the attorneys there were actually thrilled with the superlative.

Venable is proud of its bocce ball and touts its annual bocce tournament on its diversity page. This year’s tournament took place earlier this month. We came across an account of the bocce showdown:

Friday June 5 was the annual Bocce Happy Hour Kickoff. We take our Bocce Seriously - 64 teams in a “March madness” format. there are lots of rules, heckling, trash talking, and a prize. usually a month of free parking ($230) and your name inscribed on the Sir Francis Drake Trophy Cup. It’s big. oh AND you “get” to be Commissioner of the Tournament the following summer.

This year, the “Commissioner” decided to combine bocce March Madness with an American Idolish singing competition. Some of the bocce ballers got dressed up for their serenades, including “one guy dress[ed] up as Susan Boyle” who sang “Memories.” It sounds painful to us, but our narrator swears it was fun.

Read the full account of the bocce balling, karaoke singing, alcohol-fueled tournament, after the jump.

Not all firms are cutting back on the perks. The Memphis Commercial Appeal has an enthused article today about the perks to be had at the small Tennessee firm of Burch, Porter & Johnson.

The article, “Legal firm helps its employees find essential balance,” talks about the firm’s AMAZING perks:

Something refreshing for body and soul is happening within the 119-year-old walls that house a venerable Memphis law firm.

Refreshing as a good yoga session. Strengthening as a brisk core-body workout. And uplifting as guest speakers whose work has made Memphis a better place.

Sweet. You can work out at work! And they friggin’ bring in guest speakers at lunch. Wow! Do they have as much free coffee as you can drink too?

If you thought firm life in Memphis couldn’t compare to Biglaw in the big city, think again:

That quest for balance explains why Leah Hillis strolled down the hallways on a recent lunch hour wearing workout clothes for a yoga session.

The associate attorney headed for the firm’s large, third-story storeroom overlooking Court Square… Other exercise classes to strengthen the core-body are Mondays and Fridays in the same unfinished space, which holds files of old cases, surplus furniture and cleaning supplies.

The classes are inexpensive: $4 for yoga and $3 for the core-body sessions.

Only $4 to work out in the storage closet!

If that’s not your cup of tea, you can spend lunch with a guest speaker during one of the firm’s “fireside chats” in the Crump Room. A recent speaker mentioned in the article is a Holocaust survivor. Fun times.

Law and life: Legal firm helps its employees find essential balance [Memphis Commercial Appeal]