Cleveland Rocks... Potential IRS Fraud From The Owner Of Their Football Team

As Bill Simmons would say, God hates Cleveland...

The only good things to ever happen to the city of Cleveland occurred in the movie Major League. From “Wild Thing” Ricky Vaughn to Willie “Mays” Hayes, the Indians were never such a joy to watch as they were during that fateful summer, when they climbed back into contention against the cretinous Yankees and their slugger Clu Haywood (“Haywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair.”). With a roster that resembled nothing so much as the Island of Misfit Toys, the Indians were an absolute delight to watch.

In real life, Cleveland is an angry, festering boil of despair. The Indians suck, the Cavaliers suck, and the Cuyahoga River catches fire likes it’s made of charcoal briquettes. If there is a God, and he is a vengeful one, that God hates Cleveland. There is no other explanation for the singularly awful string of events that have befallen Cleveland sports during my lifetime. The Drive, the Decision, the Fumble, the Shot. God hasn’t sodomized a town like this since Sodom.

Yesterday, news leaked that the Cleveland Cavaliers were considering rehiring coach Mike Brown. While hilarious, this has nothing to do with the law. Instead, we are here to talk about Jimmy Haslam. Haslam bought the Cleveland Browns just this past October. This week, it was announced that the FBI and the IRS had raided the headquarters of Haslam’s company, Pilot Flying J. Yesterday, the feds announced why they had done this.

Let’s talk misery. Let’s talk despair. Let’s talk Cleveland.

Let’s talk sports…

STILL BETTER THAN MODELL

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Jimmy Haslam was supposed to be better than this. He had previously been minority owner of something alien to Cleveland, a successful franchise. The Pittsburgh Steelers are the gold standard for all NFL teams and it was expected that Haslam would bring over some of that juju with him, elevating Cleveland from the worst town ever to something at least approaching mediocrity. Alas, poor Yorick:

A Pilot Flying J employee told investigators that CEO Jimmy Haslam, who is also the owner of the Cleveland Browns, knew about rebate fraud at the truck stop chain his family owns, according to an FBI affidavit unsealed Thursday.

The 120-page document filed in federal court in Knoxville, where Pilot is based, alleges that members of the company’s sales force preyed on smaller trucking companies by reducing the amount of rebates they were owed for buying certain amounts of fuel.

Special Agent Robert H. Root in the affidavit alleged a “conspiracy and scheme to defraud executed by various Pilot employees to deceptively withhold diesel fuel price rebates and discounts from Pilot customers … for the dual purposes of increasing the profitability of Pilot and increasing the diesel sales commissions of the Pilot employees participating in the fraud.”

Although Haslam has yet to be indicted, the feds rarely waste their breath in this manner. What’s more, the potential crimes that Haslam stands accused of participating in are pretty basic chiseling of small trucking outfits. The Plain Dealer further explains the Crooked Deal:

The document, written by an FBI agent who specializes in public corruption and white-collar crime, said the investigation began May 4, 2011, when a source told the FBI that Pilot employees had been fleecing some companies who were “too unsophisticated to catch that their agreed-upon deal with Pilot was being changed to benefit Pilot without the knowledge of those customers.”

The affidavit says Brian Mosher, the director of sales for national accounts, spoke with employees during a sales meeting in November. The meeting was recorded by a cooperating witness for the FBI. Mosher stressed dealing with unsophisticated companies in the scheme.

“Some of ‘em, some of ‘em don’t know what a spreadsheet is,” Mosher said. “I’m not kiddin’. So, again, my point is this: Know your customer.¤.¤. If the guy’s sophisticated and he truly has gone out and gotten deals from other competitors and he’s getting daily prices from us, don’t jack his discounts, ‘cause he’s gonna know, okay?”

I strongly encourage you to head over to the Plain Dealer’s site to read the whole thing. There are stories that would make the Glengarry salesmen blush. The issue for the Feds will be tying all of these misdeeds to Haslam himself. But there is plenty in the affidavit to suggest that, at the very least, Haslam will be dragged through a hundred miles of s**t in this one.

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Of course, we should have seen this coming. Haslam purported to sell hope to Clevelanders. This is the height of fraudulence. As noted player-hater and poet Silky Johnson once said of Cleveland, “I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.”

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Atlanta Falcons safety Wiliam Moore was arrested for simple battery. Something something complicated buggery.

* An Arkansas Razorbacks pitcher was arrested for kidnapping and assault. In an apology, the pitcher stated “Whoo pig, sowwy.” Then made a frowny face.

* Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Yovani Gallardo had the game of his life days after being arrested for DUI. Doc Ellis remains unimpressed.

Browns owner’s company in trouble [ESPN]
Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam’s travel center company, Pilot Flying J, has engaged in fraud for ‘many years’, FBI says [Plain Dealer]