Crime, Dan Markel, Deaths, Murder

The Murder Of Dan Markel: Wendi Adelson Speaks (Part 3)

"Danny used to tell me... he was the only one that knew the truth about what a bad person I was."

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Wendi Adelson (via Academy of Achievement)

Wendi Adelson (via Academy of Achievement)

This is the third and final post in my series focused on Wendi Adelson’s writing about the murder of her ex-husband, Florida State University law professor Dan Markel. If you’re not familiar with the background behind this writing and related podcast, please see part 1 and part 2. (Note: I’m skipping Episode 9; it contains a little bit of Wendi, at about 12:10, but Episode 6, starting around 4:40, is the core of it all.)

Here is what Wendi wrote in response to the prompt, “What is the story you tell about your relationship with your mom?”

My mom and I have lived together for almost a year. She is selfless, generous, loving, and beautiful.

As followers of this story will recall, Wendi Adelson and her two sons moved back to South Florida after she divorced Dan Markel and then Markel was murdered. Readers will also remember the allegation by law enforcement that the murder resulted from the Adelson family’s “desperate desire” for Wendi and the boys to return to the Miami area. So that’s why Wendi is back at home living with her mom and dad.

She thinks she is fat. She once got turned down for Weight Watchers because she didn’t have enough excess weight to be admitted to the program. She thinks she is stupid — my mom, who won the New York spelling bee for middle schoolers when she was only in the sixth grade.

Okay, this is a bit of a humblebrag by Wendi about her mom. But I think my mom is pretty awesome too, so I’ll let it pass.

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I’m so many of the things I am because of who my mom is and who she wants me to be. I was valedictorian of my high school. She seemed proudest that I graduated high school still a virgin.

I try to draw boundaries with my mom because lately there aren’t any. She’s caring for my children right now so I can be here in class, more like a co-parent than a grandmother. But I accept it because as a former kindergarten teacher she is so adept in that role. She taught my boys how to recite the 44 presidents just like she taught me when I was four. I see myself in them, reciting, receiving praise. She has completely changed her life because mine fell apart.

This passage nicely captures how Wendi was the apple of her mother’s eye. We told you previously about the “Wendi shrine,” an area in the Adelsons’ home filled with photos and prizes of their accomplished and attractive daughter at different stages of life.

You also get the sense of how tight-knit the Adelson family is (some might say smothering, but Wendi seems to appreciate rather than object to it). And you also detect how Donna Adelson loves her grandchildren and loves to be involved in their lives. Recall that one issue in the divorce was Donna’s access to her grandsons; Dan claimed that Donna was speaking negatively about him to her grandchildren and wanted to cut off her unsupervised visitation (which would have been the subject of a court hearing had Markel not been murdered)

I write letters to her in my head every day, ones of immense gratitude for facilitating my return from the bottom. But when we speak, in the few fleeting moments when the kids or my dad don’t need something, it comes out like, ‘Is the dishwasher clean, and if not, should I run it?’ Or something else inconsequential about laundry or groceries or aspects of daily life.

A beautiful passage, and beautifully read (if you listen to the podcast). In my opinion, based on her tone of voice, Wendi has far more genuine feeling for her mother than for Dan.

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Here is what Wendi wrote in response to the prompt, “Lies”:

My childhood friend Lisa told me this weekend that she never even knew I was unhappy in my marriage. I had no idea I hid it so well. I always thought that I had an expressive face, the kind that easily registered happiness and disappointments. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that most people think I am very happy all of the time because I smile constantly to try and engage with people and make them smile too.

I met Wendi once briefly when I had coffee with her and Dan at a cafe in D.C. near Dupont Circle. Her self-description — as warm and friendly and smiling, but in an almost autopilot sort of way — is completely consistent with my recollection of her. (I don’t mean this as criticism; if you’ve met me in person, you know I’m a little like this myself.)

I think this face is a kind of mask that I wear out of a life of endless practice, like a kind of muscle memory for the face. I can even remember one time learning that a friend’s father had died, and upon hearing the news, I smiled. It was a bizarre reaction since I loved my friend and her dad very much. We were 13 and I remember him making pancakes for us many a Sunday morning after a few of us had slept over. More than 20 years later, I still feel like a freak show thinking back on that moment.

It’s interesting to see Wendi acknowledge how she sometimes has odd or arguably inappropriate reactions to things. Is she trying to defend herself, consciously or unconsciously, against her critics in this case? As I noted earlier, “Some armchair detectives on Websleuths and elsewhere view Wendi with suspicion on an ‘Amanda Knox’ sort of theory: in their opinion, she doesn’t react the way she’s supposed to react to a horrific killing.”

If I am a person that likes to be funny and to use humor and levity to engage with people, then is it an authentic or inauthentic response to smile at the news of something tragic? Am I deluding others or myself when I smile or laugh through the pain of a terrible time? Am I avoiding actually bathing in the grief I need to feel, so when time passes, I will have missed my chance to mourn?

Danny used to tell me that everyone thought I was such a nice person and such a good person, but he was the only one that knew the truth about what a bad person I was. He was convinced I had deluded everyone but him.

Indeed. Today that final line resonates in a weird and chilling way.

Finally, here is Wendi’s writing triggered by the prompt “your last intimate moment”:

It should be intimate when a man cries in front of you while you hold each other, and it was, but I wasn’t crying. Sometimes I feel like I’m all cried out.

This year I told my small children that their father was dead and wasn’t ever coming back, and a few nights ago, when a beautiful man teared up in my arms, I wondered if I could ever cry at something beautiful again. I shared a piece of writing with him I was trying out for class. It describes a scene where I am immensely sad.

He tells me he was initially impressed with all that I have accomplished, but now he’s more taken with what I have endured. I appreciate his words and wonder, why can’t I be that woman on the spot?

Why do I reserve the written word for a place where I can accurately and painfully express myself, and the in-person, real-life version for the ‘Wendi Show,’ jazz hands and all? I wish I could merge us so we could be less of a weirdo.

Wendi sounds very honest and earnest in this passage (especially if you listen to it on the podcast). She seems more at ease talking about her own emotions than about anything having to do with Dan’s murder — but given how traumatic the divorce and Dan’s murder must have been, one can hardly blame her for being in a strange state.

Evaluating Wendi’s writing on the podcast, instructor Andrea Askowitz says:

I think Wendi’s working on a bigger story — more than just what happened, which was that her ex-husband was murdered.

Her bigger story is about what it means for her to be authentic. Why does she laugh in the face of trauma? Does everyone? Or is Wendi wearing a mask that she wants to take off

What will the world see when Wendi removes her mask? Stay tuned.

Earlier: The Murder Of Dan Markel: Wendi Adelson Speaks (Part 2)
The Murder Of Dan Markel: Wendi Adelson Speaks (Part 1)
More Details From The Dan Markel Murder Investigation, Plus A Closer Look At The Adelson Family
Investigators Allege Involvement Of His Ex-Wife’s Family In The Murder Of Dan Markel

David Lat is the founder and managing editor of Above the Law and the author of Supreme Ambitions: A Novel. You can connect with David on Twitter (@DavidLat), LinkedIn, and Facebook, and you can reach him by email at [email protected].

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