I Might Be Alone Most Of The Time, But I'm Not Lonely

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to the loneliness problem, which may be overblown.

Last week, I read the article warning that lawyers ranked highest on the loneliness scale. Afterwards, I couldn’t help but wonder where I fit in the loneliness scale. And should I seek help?

First, I checked my interactions with others. I looked at my phone call history over the last week. Most of the calls I made were work-related, although I talked briefly to my mother. I texted my sister asking her to pay back the money I loaned her. I commented on some of my friends’ social media posts and liked some of their Instagram photos. I usually chat on Facebook, Slack, or on listservs.

But for the last few weeks, I didn’t go out to parties or networking events. I didn’t have lunch or coffee with colleagues, friends, or referral sources. The last time I went out on a date was during the Obama administration.

So it seemed like while I communicated with people through various means, I haven’t made much of an effort lately to meet people in person. My usual excuse is that I was busy with work, but on more than one occasion I made time if something was important enough.

Second, I thought about how I was feeling recently, both physically and emotionally. We usually associate loneliness with feeling sad, isolated, and longing for companionship. So let’s take a look.

Have I been depressed? No.

Have I been angry at the world? No.

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Have I been bored? On occasion.

Have I been stressed? Sometimes, but nothing out of the ordinary.

Do I feel left out? Not really. If so, that’s my fault for not going out lately.

Am I longing for companionship or intimacy? Not really.

Am I feeling tired and too exhausted to socialize? Guilty as charged. But I attribute that to eating unhealthily lately and not getting enough sleep on certain days.

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Okay, so getting six out of seven shouldn’t seem like cause for concern. I don’t think I need to call a therapist just yet.

Even though I am in my office, sometimes working long hours, I still find ways to communicate with people.

But there are some times where I want to just be alone. Alone so I can get organized and get my thoughts together. I focus better in a quiet environment. I’m more of an introvert so I get more energized during moments of solitude.

I recall going on a recent vacation to a few foreign countries by myself. Looking back, it was probably one of the best experiences I ever had. I visited all of the places I wanted to go. I didn’t have to wait for anyone. We didn’t fight over which restaurant to eat at. Overall, I liked the sense of freedom and adventure.

So for me, I am alone fairly regularly but I don’t feel lonely. So could there be other reasons for loneliness?

I think one problem is that we are expected to constantly interact with other people. At the office, we are supposed to find ways to work together. After work, we are supposed to come home to a spouse and children. And on weekends, we should be out with friends partying. If we don’t conform to this, then we’re considered loners which is usually associated with antisocial behavior. So maybe some people are forced to feel lonely even though they have no reason to.

Another problem that contributes to loneliness is an inflexible work schedule. If you are working at a firm where you have to meet large billable hours, you may have to compromise personal time or schedule plans around your work schedule. If you have to miss enough parties and baby showers because of work, at some point your friends will stop inviting you because they think your social circle has changed. And this is when you start feeling left out.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to the loneliness problem. But I think the problem may be overblown. Some people are wired to be social butterflies while others prefer tranquil solitude. If you are constantly feeling lonely, you should seek professional help or try to work for a firm that places more emphasis on collaborating with others.


Shannon Achimalbe was a former solo practitioner for five years before deciding to sell out and get back on the corporate ladder. Shannon can be reached by email at sachimalbe@excite.com and via Twitter: @ShanonAchimalbe.