Big Week For Testicles And The Law

A lot of legal action around the crotch this week.

Noted scientist Nicki Minaj took to the internet to explain that she refused to get vaccinated for the Met Gala based on her careful, considered research into the COVID-19 pandemic, consisting entirely of her cousin telling her that his friend’s balls swelled up after getting the vaccine. As everyone knows, the hierarchy of authority in this world runs: (3) peer-reviewed trial data, (2) federal government certification, (1) second-hand anecdotes from your cousin.

So this guy was left at the altar and told Nicki’s cousin that it was because his balls were too big and people believed him? “Yeah, my girlfriend from Canada that you never met left me because my balls were just too big for her… please no follow-up questions.”

Amazingly this wasn’t the only unwelcome intrusion of balls into the weekly news cycle.

Kansas Rep. Mark Samsel, accused of kicking a boy in the testicles while substitute teaching, pleaded guilty Monday to 3 charges of disorderly conduct under a deal with a local prosecutor. Samsel will be placed on a year’s probation, apologize in writing to his victims, seek mental health treatment, and avoid personal social media use.

What?

That’s Republican state legislator Mark Samsel who, in addition to being a substitute teacher, earned a J.D. from the University of Kansas School of Law in 2010. Putting the “rocks” in “Rock Chalk.”

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If you ever thought you had a substitute teacher that sucked, let this story be a real kick in the genitals for you:

But it appears many students and parents were horrified by Samsel’s Wednesday tirade. The newspaper says that students sent in recordings of his insanely inappropriate and offensive comments, including his claim that a sophomore had tried to kill himself because his foster parents are lesbians:

* “He’s a foster kid. His alternatives in life were having no parents or foster care parents who are gay,” he said. “How do you think I’m going to feel if he commits suicide? Awful.”
* “Who likes making babies?” he asked in one video. “That feels good, doesn’t it? Procreate. … You haven’t masturbated? Don’t answer that question … God already knows.”
* “Are you doing the Lord’s work as you’re listening to the devil’s music?” he asked one student.

As everyone who’s caught up on their Gospel knows, when Christ says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God,” the “peacemaker” in question is a roundhouse to the groin. It’s a whole Aramaic translation thing.

Of note, Samsel has a lot of interesting legal thoughts. Like when he voted against a bipartisan effort to eliminate the spousal exception to sexual battery:

“My concern,” Samsel said, “is we are triggering ethical obligations for what would seemingly be a routine act between man and woman.”

He continued: “When you sign up for marriage, what does that involve? Not just for the next day, but for hopefully 30 and 40 and 50 years to come.”

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Delightful!

Even more exciting, that wasn’t all the ball news of the week.

A former Arizona cop allegedly pulled down a handcuffed man’s pants and tased him in the genitals—all in front of his terrified wife and children.

“Keep fighting and you’re going to get it again! You want it again? Shut your mouth! I’m done fucking around with you!” the Glendale police officer said, with his taser on the man’s penis, according to a lawsuit the injured man later filed.

The good news is that the state AG’s office has filed charges against the cop. The horrifying news is that this comes FOUR YEARS after the incident instead of four weeks after the incident like it would in any functional society.

And lest you want to squander precious mental energy trying to conjure some defense for this cojones attack, the incident arose from — wait for it — a failure to signal properly. Based on that heightened threat to world peace, the officer asked for ID from everyone in the car including a passenger who declined on the entirely reasonable grounds that as a passenger he hadn’t done anything even remotely worthy of an inquiry.

Wheatcroft asked why he needed to provide ID to the police, saying he hadn’t done anything wrong, according to his lawsuit; he wasn’t even the driver. After telling Wheatcroft he needed to have his ID on him as a passenger and threatening to take him down to the station, Schneider opened the passenger door, put his Taser between Wheatcroft’s neck and right shoulder, and asked if he was going to fight, according to the lawsuit, which remains ongoing. Wheatcroft said he wasn’t.

This did not stop the tasing which the victim says ultimately involved his pants being pulled down and a taser straight to the junk. But the police deny this claiming instead…

Police, however, have denied that Schneider used his Taser on Wheatcroft’s testicles and said that he instead hit him on the thigh, according to the Associated Press.

WELL! Tasing a prone, handcuffed man in the thigh is totally on the up and up then!

Gotta say, rolling with that defense that really takes some… you know.

Kansas Lawmaker, Accused of Kicking Teenage Student in Balls, Pleads Guilty [Daily Beast]
Cop Accused of Tasing Man in the Testicles in Front of His Wife and Kids [Vice]


HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.