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It’s Not About You: How to Stop Taking Shit Personally

We assume that someone else’s feelings about us are a reflection of how we have acted or what kind of person we are.

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Do you know what the #1 cause of conflict in any relationship is? Whether it’s professional or personal, family or romantic, it’s always the same:

It’s taking shit personally. And by “shit” I mean “someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.”

We all do this, all the time, without even thinking about it. We assume that what someone else says to us means something about us. We assume that how someone else acts in relation to us has something to do with us. We assume that someone else’s feelings about us are a reflection of how we have acted or what kind of person we are.

Imagine you have a partner who yells at you when he thinks you’ve made a mistake. When he yells, you feel anxious, or ashamed. You’re thinking something like:

  • “He doesn’t like me or respect me,” or
  • “He thinks I’m dumb,” or
  • “I’ve let him down.”

Or consider what it feels like when you’re trying to cultivate a new business lead, and she just stops returning your calls. You feel anxious, or ashamed, or disappointed. Your brain starts to spin:

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  • “What did I do wrong?”
  • “Am I bad at selling?”
  • “Did I talk too much?”
  • “Should I have approached her differently?”
  • “Does she think I can’t handle her business?”

What these two scenarios have in common is that you are taking someone else’s behavior personally. You are making it mean something about you. You are assuming that the way someone else acts is a direct reflection of how they feel about you, and that how they feel about you is a direct reflection of your worth, value, or performance.

Let me show you the difference. Let’s take each of these examples and see what a person who was committed to NOT taking other people’s behavior personally might think.

Scenario 1: The partner you work with yells at you. But instead of thinking it means he hates you or you’ve screwed up, you simply think:

  1. “He has yelled at every associate he’s ever worked with,” or
  2. “Yelling is just how he communicates,” or
  3. “This is just the volume his voice is at right now.”

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Scenario 2: Someone you were trying to bring into the firm as new business essentially ghosts you – she stops responding to your emails and those lunch plans you were trying to make never materialize. But instead of thinking that you must have screwed it up, you simply think something like:

  1. “She must be busy with other things,” or
  2. “Their company might already have a firm that represents them,” or
  3. “Targeting one prospect was a good start, now I just need to try five more!”

See the difference? When you believe that someone else’s behavior means something about you, it feels terrible. But when you recognize that other people’s behavior is about THEM, not about you, you feel free.

And moreover, when you recognize that other people’s behavior is about them and not you, it frees you up to ask much more useful, powerful questions.

There is nothing more useless than the question “what is wrong with me” or “why doesn’t this person like me.” Those aren’t even really questions. They are just rhetorical prompts for you to catalogue your own failings to yourself.

But when you stop taking other people’s behavior personally, you can ask yourself such better questions. Quesitons like:

  • “How would I feel and act if I believed in myself and knew this had nothing to do with me” or
  • “What else can I try to accomplish my goal?”

Taking other people’s shit personally leads to anxiety, shame, and rumination. And those lead to inaction.

But freeing yourself from believing that you are responsible for what other people think, feel and act leads to, well, freedom! And that freedom leads to more action, more achievement, and more success.

Kara Loewentheil, J.D., C.M.C., is a former litigator and academic who now runs a boutique life coaching practice for law students and lawyers. As a Certified Master Coach, Kara is intimately acquainted with the unique challenges lawyers face in their professional careers and personal lives. Kara teaches her clients cognitive-based techniques for dealing with stress, anxiety, and lawyer brain so that they can build the lives and careers they want. She is also the host of the only podcast that teaches lawyers concrete solutions to their unique lawyer problems, The Lawyer Stress Solution, available on iTunes. To download a free guide to taming your anxious lawyer brain, go to www.thelawyerstresssolution.com/guide. 

 

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