This would not be happening if Leo McGarry were still alive.

When Charlie Sheen heard the news that Charlie Sheen was found naked and coked out of his mind in a trashed suite at the Plaza with a porn star hooker locked in the bathroom, Charlie Sheen knew he had to do something drastic – something epic – to top himself. 

Last week, the Two and a Half Men whacktor reasoned that the best way to supercharge the party was simply to multiply the coke, hookers and party duration by a factor of three. Here are the allegations, from TMZ:

Charlie Sheen had a “briefcase full of cocaine” delivered to his home — and was using large amounts of the drug during the 36-hour bender that landed him in the hospital … this according to a source inside the house….

We’re told Sheen had several people inside his home during the 36-hour span that started Tuesday night — including 2 porn stars, a business associate, and several other women….

Sheen was eventually hospitalized early Thursday morning for “severe abdominal pain.”

Charlie was released from celebrity hospital Ceders-Sinai last Thursday and is now spending his time rehabbing… his job, by writing public apologies to CBS and Warner Bros, and promising them he’ll be healed and back to work by the end of February. A number of sites have wondered how the 16 million blind and deaf fans who rely on Charlie, a fat, zitty teenager and some other talentless hack to make them laugh every week are going to survive while the show is on production hiatus. But I have an idea. Kill yourself…

If Charlie doesn’t seem to be taking his drug addiction seriously, there are at least two people who do: his parents. In fact, according to reports, Martin and Janet Sheen are considering their legal options to stop the insanity:

Charlie Sheen’s family is growing increasingly concerned about his well being, and is quietly discussing going to court to gain conservatorship over him….

Charlie’s parents are discussing getting a conservatorship of their son. Martin and Janet know that it’s highly unlikely their petition would be granted, but they are trying to do whatever possible to save Charlie’s life.

If granted, the conservatorship would give President Jed Bartlet control over Charlie’s finances and person.  But in order to gain the conservatorship, his parents would have to prove by clear and convincing evidence that it’s necessary. They would need to demonstrate that Charlie is unable to provide for his “physical health, food, clothing, and shelter” or that he cannot “substantially manage his…own financial resources or…resist fraud or undue influence.” Point: he wrote a $30,000 check to a porn star for no reason during his coke binge. Counterpoint: he lives in mansion and drives a Maybach. Case closed pending?

If Charlie was really serious about his recovery, he wouldn’t contest a conservatorship petition brought by his parents against him. But he’s not serious about getting sober because (a) he’s Charlie Sheen, (b) he’s getting  rehab in his house, and (c) Dr. Drew says he’s not committed. I mean, if Charlie’s not prepared to get life-saving treatment on camera by a tv doctor, how committed can he be?

Here’s my prediction: the Sheens won’t bring a conservatorship petition against Charlie. He’ll continue to get fake rehab at home from enabler quacks, and in three weeks his PR guy will triumphantly announce that Charlie has “successfully completed intense personal rehabilitation and is committed to sobriety for himself and his children.” He will return to the show, which will continue to undermine U.S. foreign relations, and the vicious cycle will repeat itself the minute CBS cuts him another $2 million check.

Make no mistake, Charlie Sheen will die smoking coke and boning a porn star. But at least he’ll die doing what he loves.


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