Did you hear the one about the sorority sisters who get drunk, start crying, and get into catfights that result in one of them needing a nose job? I know, it’s a tale as old as time, but this one has a fantastic twist. This time one of the alleged participants is the daughter of famous football coach Nick Saban.
In case you don’t follow sports, Nick Saban is one of the most hated men in college football. The one-time LSU coach has made slurs about Cajuns in Louisiana, and he cowardly walked out on the Miami Dolphins professional franchise. Most people outside of the University of Alabama would love to punch him in the face.
Inside the University of Alabama, he is a God. And according to a new complaint, it’s his daughter that allegedly does the punching of people in the face….
The complaint is from Sarah Grimes, a student at Alabama. It arises out of events that took place in August 2010 between Grimes and her sorority sisters: Kristen Saban, McKinnon Moultrie, Hannah Muncher, and Meaghan Williams. You read that right, the girls are named: Sarah, Kristen, McKinnon, Meaghan, and Hannah MUNCHER. It’s like this complaint is brought to you by National Lampoon.
The girls are all part of the Phi Mu sorority. I don’t know anything about that one, but since it’s a sorority, I’m assuming a lot of drinking and drama goes down. The complaint does not disappoint:
Next, entirely predictable things happen:
Drunk and feeling unappreciated, Grimes alleges that the young Miss Saban went full-on poor little rich girl:
I’m not going to lie, the thought of Nick Saban’s daughter (Coach Saban is slated to make $5,316,666 this year for coaching football at a public university) lying on the floor and alternating between “woe is me” and “nobody likes you” amuses me greatly. I mean, I’m sure she’s right. I’m fairly certain that being Kristen Saban is no easy thing. She’s the daughter of the most important person on her campus. She must feel like everything she does reflects on her father, and maybe the integrity of the entire Alabama football program — and the only thing Crimson Tide fans care about more than the football team is God. It’s a lot of pressure, and she’s under it every day. I actually feel kind of sorry for her.
But the thought of her feeling sorry for herself all the time is kind of funny. And the thought of her snapping under that admittedly unfair pressure in the way Grimes alleges is, frankly, hilarious:
Who wrote this complaint? It reads like a very special episode of Hannah Montana.
Wait, it gets better:
And now I’m imaging Nick Saban “coaching up” his daughter:
IMAGINARY COACH SABAN: Now Kristen, we know GRIMES gets really bad migraines, so when she’s filing to the doorway, I want you rip through the chin and give GRIMES a solid forearm shiver. On my whistle!
IMAGINARY COACH SABAN: It’s not holding if the refs don’t call it. But try to keep your hands on the inside of the hair. Up and underneath, so the refs can’t see it. That’s it. Put your shoulder into it. Okay, go hydrate.
You can read the full complaint on the next page. Grimes’s own complaint makes it sound like Saban roundly whooped her ass. But there is a somewhat happy ending:
See, after all that, Sarah got her nose job. All’s well that ends well?
I asked our resident sorority expert, Staci Zaretsky (Kappa Alpha Theta; yep, that’s Staci with a heart over the “i,” fellas), to comment on the alleged shenanigans. She offered: “Sounds just like my sorority, but with fewer hematomas.”
No doubt. But I’ll posit that these allegations that Saban has a daughter who can get drunk and beat the stuffing out of another girl will actually add to the legend of Nick Saban. You can just hear people outside the Iron Bowl taunting Auburn fans: “Our coach’s daughter has a better right arm than Kiehl Frazier.”
We’ll keep you posted if the Saban girl responds to these allegations in court. I hope she files a two-word response to Sarah Grimes: Roll Tide!
Check out the full complaint on the next page….