Sean Taylor was murdered on November 27, 2007. To give you some perspective on that date, just consider the following. In 2007, Above the Law was a free insert that ran in every other issue of Soldier of Fortune magazine. There, amongst the gun reviews and true tales of heroism, was David Lat’s humble legal gossip circular. In 2007, I was finishing my first semester of my second year of law school. I was taking Complex Lit or Fed Jur or Antitrust. Gearing up for all the abstract federal antitrust work I currently handle at Garbage Jobs ‘R Us, I guess? In 2007, an ounce of gold was worth two-and-a-half cents and two-and-a-half cents down could get you a house. With a pool. Or a pond. Pond would be good for you.
In 2007, Barack Obama was a Senator and David Souter was a judge. In 2007, I pissed in my bed two nights in a row. The first time was jarring, but ultimately surmountable. The second time was much more frightening as I discovered that a bed only comes with two sides that can be reasonably slept on. In 2007, the number one song was Rihanna’s “Umbrella.” It would not be until 2008 that I truly listened to this song. In 2008, my friends really hated me.
In 2007, the Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. I was at a house party where I attacked the keg viciously and without mercy upon my arrival. Shortly after Devin Hester ran the opening kickoff back for a touchdown, I threw up in my friend’s toilet and passed out in someone’s bed. I awoke after halftime to discover that everyone hated me. This would turn out to be good training for 2008.
In 2007, Sean Taylor was murdered. This week, the trial date for his alleged murderers was set for this October.
On Wednesday, the Cleveland Browns traded running back Trent Richardson to the Indianapolis Colts for a 2014 first-round pick. This move, which amounts to Cleveland announcing to the world, “we took a two-week stab at 2013 and decided it’s not for us,” has the side effect of relegating Colts running back Ahmad Bradshaw to second-string status.
This is good for the Colts, maybe good for the Browns — assuming they can convert this pick into something worthwhile — and an absolute disaster if Ahmad Bradshaw played any role on your fantasy team. All of a sudden, that reliable second-tier back (though let’s be honest, he was probably never more than a decent Flex #realkeeping) is useless.
Now imagine how much worse it would be if you’d just traded a top 5 QB for a package involving Bradshaw. That’s what happened in one league and the rest of the league vetoed the trade after the real-life Richardson move. But since this league is a law school league, they prepared an appellate brief demanding the trade go through.
Putin, totally not gay. Like, the opposite of gay, with his cute little hat and stuff.
It was at some point during the Pleistocene Era that man first learned how to play grab ass. In the locker rooms of that day, on the golf course, pretty much anywhere you found two cavedudes hanging out, they were grabbing at each other all fun-like. Fast forwarding just a couple decades, the ancient Greeks formalized this game as wrestling and built up around the new sport a festival that would celebrate dudes just hanging out, being dudes. Greeks from all over got together and got naked and just grabbed and pulled at each other, sweat glistening off their meaty torsos. The competition itself was secondary to the camaraderie, which was mostly made up of the aforementioned tugging and pulling and rasslin’, naked bodies gyrating in tune to nature’s dictates about motion and the human form. Also at this time, someone (probably Aristotle or Plato) came up with the idea of amateurism to describe what was happening at the Games. This idea, of course, has evolved over the years into what now comprises college sports in this country along with countless amateur-themed websites that require 5 dollars for monthly subscriptions. Same kind of deal at work in both. [Ed. note: Juggalo Law is not a trained historian and, in fact, boasts loudly and often that he got into law school solely on "huge balls and forged transcripts." We're not even sure he's literate.]
Next February, the Olympics will be held in a country that would rather not hear about gay stuff, be it from prehistory, antiquity, or now. Russia, a nation in desperate thrall to the diminutive former hubcap thief Vladimir Putin, has outlawed pro-gay “propaganda.” And so now the world’s eyes turn to Russia to see what will happen when a virulently bigoted law bumps up against the notorious gay curling mafia.
Last month, we brought you the titillating tale of Polina Polonsky, a “gorgeous brunette lawyer” who allegedly had an affair with Khloe Kardashian’s husband, NBA player Lamar Odom. Although it sounds like a Hollywood divorce train wreck in the making, sources claim Khloe and Lamar are going to stay together, even though the 6’10″ free agent is reportedly battling an addiction to crack cocaine, an odd drug of choice for a man of his wealth.
We know what you must be thinking: “Again with the Kardashian crap? Who cares if Lamar cheated on a Wookiee?” But today we think you’re going to care about the Kardashians if only because the lawyer involved in this torrid affair may have committed a serious breach of her ethical duties to clients at her firm.
What did this comely criminal defense attorney do that could have been so bad? Well, if your case didn’t go as planned, it may be because a washed-up basketball player like Lamar Odom was doing your legal work….
* Even at the top of the in-house food chain, women lawyers are still paid less than their male counterparts. But hey, at least they’re not being forced to cry poverty like their in-house staff attorney brethren. [Corporate Counsel]
* Neil Barofsky, the former King of TARP in the United States, is making the move to Jenner & Block, specifically because as opposed to all other firms, “Jenner took the side of really getting to the truth of the matter.” [Reuters]
* Luxury fashion is fun: four Biglaw firms, including Cleary Gottlieb, Cravath, Torys, and Proskauer Rose, all took Tim Gunn’s mantra to heart to make it work for the $6 billion sale of Neiman Marcus. [Am Law Daily (sub. req.)]
* If you want to try some lawyer, we hear that they taste great when poached this time of year. Speaking of which, Troutman Sanders just reeled in three attorneys from Hunton & Williams. [Richmond BizSense]
* Are you ready for some tax law?! The NFL and other professional sports leagues might lose their nonprofit status if new tax reform legislation makes it through the House and the Senate. [Businessweek]
From: [email protected]
Date: Thu, Sep 5, 2013 at 08:25 PM
Subject: I don’t see the sports law thing…
To: “AbovetheLaw Tips”
…coming tonight. On top of the first game of the season, this is a dead *$#*ing week for sports law stuff. More concussion news? Who gives a ****? I don’t. I wrote everything I’m gonna write about that crap last week. I realize you may not view my cri de coeur re: Abraham Lincoln stone genitals as the end-all-be-all on the concussion crisis, but I don’t curr. Concussion crisis? I swear I just used that formulation because it’s alliterative. Concussion crisis crab cake concubine. Christ, I’m sorry. You know I go long with these emails….
* Fine Print as “Surrealist Masterpiece.” Because sometimes you need legal analysis involving Foucault. [Concurring Opinions]
* Speaking of fine print, the story behind an attack ad in Virginia is all about fine print. Virginia AG Ken Cuccinelli is running an attack ad against Terry McAuliffe connecting him to the collapse of Global Crossing. The problem is the former Global Crossing workers in the ad thought they were talking to a documentary film crew about the company, not making an ad attacking McAuliffe. Should have read that waiver form more closely! [Mother Jones]
* JPMorgan Chase is dropping out of the student loan business. Must be getting too difficult to package likely defaults into some kind of billion-dollar derivative these days. [American Banker]
* A New York attorney candidly tells the world that dealing with his kids “is not my problem” because he has a long-suffering wife for that job. See conservatives, gay marriage hasn’t destroyed all the traditional families. [Dealbreaker]
* More analysis on the legality of intervention in Syria under international law. Welcome to the art of writing listicles, Lawfare! [Lawfare]
* A Q&A with Ignatius Grande of Hughes Hubbard & Reed on the importance of Twitter for clients and law firms. Intriguingly, Hughes Hubbard doesn’t have an active Twitter account. What gives? [Commercial Litigation Insider]
Back in 2010, Leicester Bryce Stovell, a D.C.-based lawyer, filed a pro se lawsuit against LeBron James claiming he was the star athlete’s father — and that he had the genetic material to prove it. As it turns out, the paternity test came back negative, but that didn’t stop Stovell from further alleging that he had been defamed when LeBron was quoted as saying that he “want[ed] to be a better father than [his] was.” The King’s lawyers from Squire Sanders argued that Stovell was simply delusional, and the case got bounced out of court.
You’d think that Stovell would’ve taken his ball and gone home, but earlier this spring, he returned to court to file additional defamation charges against his fantastical son for making statements about his father (i.e., anyone but Leicester Bryce Stovell) in a Sports Illustrated interview.
On Labor Day, a federal judge — the same one who originally came to the conclusion that Stovell wasn’t the father — took Stovell to task for his lacking lawyering skills…
Labor Day weekend is behind us, so that means most of you have had your fantasy football drafts. I’ve run a completely different auction strategy this year, since last year in two ATL leagues I finished 6 – 7, and 4 -9 respectively, then had to buy trophies for the winners. Staci finished 3 – 10 though… so, I beat a girl, because I’m a big strong man who likes football.
In any event, sometimes ATL columunist Marc Edelman (8 – 5 last year, 1 – 1 against me), wrote an interesting piece on Forbes about whether or not playing fantasy football for money is illegal. Any illegality would be utterly unenforceable, of course. And most people play Fantasy Football for pride and trophies bought by under-performing editors with their own money. But still, it’s an interesting question if our overbearing police state claims authority over whether or not grown adults wager their private funds against their abilities to fake-own professional football players…
Ed. note: The Asia Chronicles column is authored by Kinney Recruiting. Kinney has made more placements of U.S. associates, counsels and partners in Asia than any other recruiting firm in each of the past six years. You can reach them by email: [email protected].
Since late last year, things have been booming in Hong Kong / China in cap markets, especially Hong Kong IPOs. M&A deal flow has recently been getting a bit stronger as well. Although one can’t predict such things with any certainty, all signs are pointing to a banner entire 2014 for the top end US corporate and cap markets practices in Hong Kong / China. This is not really new news, as its been the feeling most in the market have had for a few months now and things continue to look good.
The head of our Asia practice, Evan Jowers, has been in Hong Kong for about 10 days a month (with trips every other month to both Shanghai and Bejing) for the past 7 months, and spending most of his time there meeting with senior US hiring partners at just about all the major US and UK firms there, as well as prospective candidates at all associate levels and partner levels, and when in the US, Evan works Asia hours and is regularly on the phone with such persons, as our the other members of our Asia team. Our Yuliya Vinokurova is in Hong Kong every other month and Robert is there about 5 times a year as well. While we have a solid Asia team of recruiters, Evan Jowers will spend at least some time with all of our candidates for Asia position. We have had long standing relationships, and good friendships in some cases, with hiring partners and other senior US partners in Asia for 8 years now.
The evolution of relationships between the genders continues. Currently, in law firms, there is an interesting conundrum; balancing the desire for a gender-blind workplace where “the best lawyer gets the work and advances” and the reality of navigating the complicated maze created by the fact that, in general, men and women do possess differences in their work styles. These variations impact who they work with, how they work, how they build professional connections and how organizations ultimately leverage, reward and recognize the talents of all.
Henry Ford sat on his workbench and sighed. A year earlier, he had personally built 13,000 Model Ts with his own hands. Fashioning lugnuts and tie rods by hand, Ford was loath to ask for help. Sure, there were things about the car that he didn’t quite understand. This explains the lack of reliable navigation systems in the Model T. But Ford persevered because he knew that unless he did everything, he could not reliably call these cars his own.
“Unless my own personal toil is responsible for it, it may as well be called a Hyundai,” Ford remarked at the time.
The preceding may sound unfamiliar because it is categorically untrue. And also monumentally stupid. Henry Ford didn’t build all those cars by hand. He had help and plenty of it. Almost exactly one hundred years ago, Henry Ford opened up the most technologically advanced assembly line the world had ever seen. Built on the premise that work can be chopped up into digestible pieces and completed by many men better than one, the line ushered in an age of unparalleled productivity.
Today, an attorney refers business because he can’t do everything the client asks of him.
There are three reasons why this is way dumber than a made-up Henry Ford story…