Sports

Lawyers Are Just Hype Men

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Tonight America comes together to celebrate its most important holiday. Whether you’re Christian or other, tonight you will plop down on the couch, crack a beer, wait with bated breath for the first commercial break, likely have a heart attack, and definitely beat all holy hell out of your wife.

Some say football is America’s national religion. And if that’s so, A.J. Daulerio is its… sorry, I didn’t really think this metaphor through. Perhaps you already know who A.J. Daulerio is. Perhaps you read the profile of him in GQ or read the article last fall in the Times. Or, if you’re anything like me, you have Deadspin bookmarked. If it’s that last one, you probably already know what this is about.

This is about what happens when lawyers stop being polite… and start getting real. Oh, and it’s about The Sanchize, Mark Sanchez, or El Sucio Sanchez if you’re not into the whole brevity thing…

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Nothing About the Madoff Thing Surprises Any Mets Fans

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Mr. Met gives me bad touches every summer.

I’ve been avoiding writing about Irving Picard, the trustee in charge of getting money for the victims of the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme, and his lawsuit against New York Mets owners Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz. It’s too painful. It’s like being close enough to see Oliver Perez’s face just as you know things are going to completely unravel but still hoping against hope that he’ll throw a strike. It’s like wondering if David Wright spends his nights crying softly while Mike Piazza texts him weekly updates on how many days he has until he’s an unrestricted free agent. I know what’s happening; I just don’t like to talk about it.

But, as we mentioned in Morning Docket, Picard’s massive complaint was made public today. He says Wilpon and Katz made $300 million in fictitious profits from business dealings with Madoff.

As you read through the allegations, try to remember how poorly the Wilpons make decisions about whom to hire, whom to fire, and how much to play baseball players — and then tell me if you are at all surprised by anything here…

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Dan Snyder, Owner of a Team Named After an Ethnic Slur, Sues Over Perceived Anti-Semitism

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This is rich. The owner of the Washington Redskins, Dan Snyder, has sued the Washington City Paper for a column he claims defamed him and used anti-Semitic imagery. That’s right, the man who has famously defended his right to name an entire football team after an ethnic slur is playing the ethnic card because a columnist made fun of him.

The kicker is that on top of this amazing execution of rank hypocrisy, Snyder manages to insult all Jews who have actually dealt with anti-Semitism by coming up with an ethnic offense where none existed. The columnist wasn’t making Jewish jokes or playing off of Jewish stereotypes. He was calling Dan Snyder a terrible owner and a shady dude. Saying he was a victim of anti-Semitism degrades the term and make this entire lawsuit look like the petulant reaction of a narcissistic millionaire.

As Dennis Green might say: Daniel Snyder is who we thought he was….

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Law Firm Screw-Up Reveals Allegations About Gilbert Arenas

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Full disclosure: Gilbert Arenas is one of my favorite basketball players. Sure, he’s a selfish, me-first player. And he seems to be one of the gun-nut whackos I would never want as a neighbor. But the man is the author of one of the best quotes of all time.

Check out Deadspin for Gilbert’s full thoughts on shark attacks. Here’s the kicker:

So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.

A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

Arenas is a gunner on the court and off the court, and he would certainly be one in the legal classroom.

So who knows, maybe he would make a great lawyer? He can’t be much worse than the lawyers at Trope and Trope. That’s the name of the law firm representing Arenas’s ex-girlfriend in legal proceedings against the star athlete.

And thanks to Trope, we know everything the woman is alleging against Arenas. Apparently Trope can’t keep its documents in order….

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Lawsuit of the Day: Anaheim Ducks Charged With Discrimination Against Jewish Hockey Player

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Shout-out to Nathan Koppel at the WSJ Law Blog (or his editor), for coming up with the perfect title for this post: The Frozen One?

Jewish hockey player Jason Bailey is suing the Anaheim Ducks NHL team, alleging that he was subjected to a hostile working environment. Not the run-of-the-mill hostility that comes from playing a sport where people regularly lose their own teeth and then refuse to purchase replacement chompers on the theory that “chicks dig gap teeth and lisps.” No, Bailey claims that the hostility was directed at him because he is Jewish.

I know this comes straight out of “Racial Conspiracy Theories 101,” but I can’t be the only one to notice that this suit was brought against the Anaheim Ducks, a franchise that was once owned by Disney and called the Anaheim Mighty Ducks (because anytime you can buy a hockey team in order to promote a movie staring Emilo Estevez, that’s something you’ve just got to do). And Disney of course has long been suspected of harboring anti-Semitic views. And… you know what, I’ll kick back with a glass of manischewitz and discuss this with my Jewish brothers some other time.

Right now, Bailey is making some much more reasonable allegations against the organization….

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Packers Fan Fired Over Team Necktie; Will Litigation Ensue?

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Is wearing this necktie a firing offense?

I saw this story on Mike & Mike this morning, and it’s just been gathering steam all day. A Green Bay Packers fan showed up to his job on Monday at a Chicago area car dealership wearing a Packers tie. As many of you know, the Packers defeated their hated rivals, the Chicago Bears, in the NFC Championship Game on Sunday. The man’s boss asked the Packers fan to remove the tie. He refused. The Packers fan was then fired.

When I first heard about this, my initial thought was “Good, serves him right.” I’m not a Bears fan. And I often wear my own sports paraphernalia into the ATL office. But if your boss tells you to take off your gear, you do it. It’s not a hard question for me. I’ll stand up to my CEO on any number of professional issues, but over some team bling? Are you kidding me? It’s called “picking your battles,” or “not being a idiot,” if you prefer.

Over the course of the day, however, more and more media types have been coming to the defense John Stone, the Packers fan who was fired. Some are even saying that this will lead to a wrongful termination lawsuit.

You know how I hate telling the MSM that their cute little puppies are going to die, but does rooting for the Packers make you a member of a protected class now?

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Oregon Fan / Lawyer Seeks Auburn Fan / Hottie for Short-Term Vegas Wedding

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Folks, it doesn’t get any better that this.

As we approach the BCS National Title game, we expect to hear some strange requests from lawyers who are also fans of either Auburn or Oregon. For instance, last year we saw a cleverly written motion to continue from an Alabama lawyer who wanted to see his team play for the title. I expected to see more of the same this year.

I did not expect an attorney who is devoted to the Oregon Ducks to take things to the next level. But then I saw Ryan Tharp’s Craigslist ad. His plan is to watch the game on Monday and then head to Vegas to celebrate (he’s sure he’ll be celebrating).

And the young lawyer wants to have the “entire” Vegas experience — replete with a drunken wedding, preferably to a belle from the defeated fanbase…

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ATL Lawyer of the Year: 1974

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1974: It was a very good year?

1974 was a good year. The IRA bombed the Tower of London, President Nixon was forced to resign in scandal, gasoline shortages led to long lines at the pump, a smallpox epidemic ripped through India, and famine savaged the continent of Africa. So yeah… great year, history!

But in the midst of all this human suffering, there were lulz to be had. All it took was a litigious Cleveland Browns fan and an attorney with balls big enough to set the Cuyahoga on fire (awesome metaphor!).

After the jump, a letter from the fan, Dale Cox, followed by the rejoinder from ATL’s Lawyer of the Year for 1974, one James N. Bailey…

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Lawyer of the Day: Dad Badgers Little Girl into Quitting Hockey Team

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They take hockey pretty seriously up north.

Is there anything more pathetic than a “sports dad”? You know, one of those middle-aged losers who takes his kid’s athletic competitions way too seriously because he wants little Junior to “be a winner” — a title the father undoubtedly never achieved in his own life? I hate these punks, and if I ever have children I’m going to really enjoy heckling the sports dads who heckle children (then getting the living crap beat out of me, and suing their pants off for assault).

In my limited experience with the sports dad, I’ve generally assumed that higher education is a great tonic to this phenomenon. I think that if you’ve actually accomplished things in your life (or if you at least have the intellectual curiosity to read about people who have accomplished things in their lives), you come to understand that a kiddie sporting event isn’t something to get all worked up about.

So when I read this latest story about a dad menacing a pee-wee hockey team, I was dismayed to learn that the culprit is a lawyer. A tipster sent in the story with the subject line “more proof that lawyers are a**holes,” but I had thought that lawyers only behaved badly around childhood sports when some kid takes a puck to the face and the lawyer/parent tries to sue the entire league into the ground.

I didn’t know that lawyers would use their powers to humiliate and embarrass little girls who weren’t playing all that well…

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Digital Revenge Is Best Served Viral (Naked Photos Help)

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Social media savvy teen causes national controversy in Australia

‘Tis the season for… lover’s revenge via the Internet. Last week, Elie brought you the tale of a cuckolded man who filmed his wife making out with a fellow SMU Law student (and intervened to throw a weak punch). Then the husband posted the sad, sordid video to YouTube. Because shame makes the hurt go away.

Meanwhile, over in the land down under, a 17-year-old in Melbourne is using her social network savvy to punish a couple of Australian football players who allegedly did her wrong. Kim Duthie claims to have scored with two of the players (and to have had a miscarriage as a result). Feeling used and abused, she’s now using all the digital tools at her disposal — Facebook, YouTube, Formspring, and Twitter — to broadcast her story, as well as a handful of naked photos of the St. Kilda football players. This girl makes Karen Owen look like a saint.

And apparently she didn’t think through the legal implications of putting photos of the football players’ “lands down under” up on her Facebook page…

Read on at Forbes.com.

Drafting Fail: Court Rules Jamie McCourt Owns A Piece of the L.A. Dodgers

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Well, this is not going to make Bingham McCutchen partners happy. A judge today ruled that the marital agreement between Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and wife Jamie McCourt is invalid — and therefore Frank might not have sole ownership of the Dodgers.

We wrote about Bingham’s boo-boo back in September. Some copies of the postnuptial agreement use the word “inclusive” in a way that would have given Frank sole ownership, while others use the word “exclusive,” which would have made Jamie a co-owner.

Bingham’s agreement may have been thrown out by the court, but don’t think for a second that Frank McCourt is done fighting for sole control of the team…

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I Finally Found Somebody Who Should Go To Law School: NBA Star Ben Wallace

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Ben Wallace will be a great lawyer. Book it.

He’s in his late-30s and has been around the block and seen the world.

He can self-finance his own education and won’t need to make a whole lot of money when he gets out of school.

He has talked to actual practicing attorneys in his hometown to get a sense of what they do for a living.

He’s already thinking about his marketing strategy to sell his legal skills to clients.

Former NBA defensive player of the year Ben Wallace wants to go to law school when he’s done with basketball. He thinks he wants to be a defense attorney.

I think that would be a wonderful decision for him. Not only will he get to experience the intellectual joys of learning a new trade, he’ll be able to employ himself after he’s done and he won’t be in a mountain of debt. Don’t call me a law school hater, I just want everybody to make informed and financially sound decisions like Ben Wallace…

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