Biglaw, Holidays and Seasons, Money, Romance and Dating, Women's Issues

Advice for 'Sugar-Mama' Attorneys and Their Low-Income Male Life Partners

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This is a very modern Valentine’s Day story, and one that is only possible in the prestige-obsessed world of Biglaw and a few other similar professions.

A woman is an associate at a law firm. She’s probably an associate at a Biglaw firm, since she claims to earn a six-figure salary. She’s engaged to a man who works as a barista at a coffee shop. The coffee place is frequented by some of the lawyers at her firm.

Apparently her co-workers have been taunting her over their relationship. Incredibly, these colleagues have also taunted him over the engagement, assuring this random coffee shop guy that she will leave him because of his low income.

Now if the man was earning the big bucks while the woman was working at a coffee shop, nobody would say anything about it. But since the woman is the bread winner, it’s a big deal to some people.

I know a lot of Biglaw ladies who are in the position of out-earning their men. Well, I’ve had quite a bit of (ahem) “experience” at being the man who doesn’t make as much as his woman. Let me tell the ladies what your man needs from you (if you don’t already know), and assure you that your friends who are talking s**t are just full of it….

The associate expressed her frustrations in a post on Reddit:

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He works at the coffee shop most of the lawyers (and others) I work with go to every day. They’ve always teased me about dating a “peasant” (one of them actually uses that word, non-ironically, to describe him), but it seems that since I announced our engagement they’ve decided to go after him directly.

So now whenever they’re in the coffee shop they’re messing with him, calling him a loser to his face, assuring him I will come to my senses and leave him, etc. I’ve told him (my fiance) that he can quit – I make 6 figures, we certainly don’t need his income – but he doesn’t want to without a different job lined up, I guess he doesn’t want to have to ask me for money to do anything, or maybe he doesn’t want them to “win”.

I’ve even thought about telling everyone he inherited a shitload of money, my coworkers are just shallow enough they would consider that a morally redeeming quality. But I know I told one of my coworkers that my fiance was an orphan, so that wouldn’t work, and I’d feel bad doing that anyway.

I’m not asking for advice or anything, I just wanted to rant.

That initial post generated tons of comments, and inspired a few edits by the author. Here’s the most interesting/salacious one:

Wow I really wasn’t expecting this much of a response. Just so you all know, for various reasons, there’s nothing to be done legally that we are willing to do. My coworkers are lawyers, they won’t put themselves in a position where they could suffer any significant legal consequences. I have told them my fiance has a big dick and is great in bed and that may have actually contributed to this problem, since they’re all pudgy and have nothing going for them but money.

I understand everyone’s desire for me to make a big scene and be confrontational, but I have to live in the real world, not an Internet tough guy’s fantasy, and me and my fiance have goals in life besides being righteous. Achieving those goals requires me to pay off my student loan quickly, so I’m not going to do anything that jeopardizes that, and yes, my fiance is totally supportive of that plan. He’d rather put up with it for awhile longer and then have financial security so he can stay at home and raise our kids the way he wishes he had been raised. Thanks for all your kind words everybody.

From there the thread kind of devolves into a flame war between her and anonymous internet commenters (been there, done that, will do it again next time I’m drunk at 3:00 a.m.).

Obviously, I have a great deal of sympathy for this couple. When I quit Debevoise, some of my friends were shocked that I was ceding primary earning responsibilities to my Biglaw wife. But they had nothing on her friends. Her lawyer friends felt sorry for her that she had ended up with a man who “threw away his career.” As if! Have you seen how I handle a load of laundry? My wife got “Happy Elie” back (I’m really a very nice guy when I’m not surrounded by lawyers all day). And a live-in domestic servant, and a secretary who could run errands during business hours, and a dog (no, not me) that we love, who would have been impossible to care for when we we’re both billing 2100-plus hours a year. We’re a team, and our team was stronger because only one of us had to forfeit their lives to Biglaw.

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Despite these benefits — benefits that are obvious and accrue to every man who can afford for his wife to stay at home — my wife was socially punished for my career choices.

And the condescending BS continued even as I started getting journalism jobs and making a go of it. It really wasn’t until I landed at Above the Law that her lawyer friends (wisely) STFU.

But, to our credit I think, we never really let the social pressure get to us. I think that’s where I have some advice for the Reddit couple and other couples who are in the same situation. While it doesn’t seem like the judgmental colleagues are bothering them as a couple, it seems pretty clear that each of them individually is sick of other people casting aspersions on their decisions. Since I get paid to give unsolicited advice (while my wife gets paid a great deal more to give advice when asked), here’s my top-five list of things “sugar mama” couples need to do in order to stay sane:

1. Stop hanging out with petty-ass people. Sure, you can’t avoid them at the office, but make sure they don’t follow you home at night. These people who are openly or subtly judging you — they’re not your friends. Act accordingly.

2. You don’t need a big income to have a big dick ego. People express their maleness in different ways. For some people, it is all about their bank account, and those guys can’t survive if they are not the primary earners in their families. Sorry ’bout your tiny pink loins, bros.  For other guys it’s other things. Whatever it is that you do that makes you feel “like a man,” keep doing it, regardless of your financial situation. For women, the same thing goes; they don’t have to be “unsexed” in order to make it rain. Whatever it is that they do to feel “feminine,” they need to keep doing it.

3. You really don’t need to defend him. Seriously, I’ve never had any problem with my wife making a boatload of money more than me. I do have a problem with her fighting my battles for me. If your colleagues are all over you about the earning potential of your partner, you should just give them his email address and say, “Well, I’m not sure he would agree with that, maybe you should give him a call?” Defending him is natural (more on that later), but it’s not necessary and you should never feel pressured to do it.

4. Get your colleagues to start talking about their husbands/wives/partners. When it comes down to it, lawyers are competitive about everything, including the insane “who has the best spouse” debate. So turn it around on them. Instead of talking about your guy, let them tell stories about the wonderful men in their life. You don’t even have to make snide comments about their spouses, as if you are looking for “payback.” Chances are, simply hearing about whatever disgusting troglodyte the girl in the next office is dating will make you feel a lot better about your own choices.

5. When in doubt, “kiss my ass” is always an acceptable response. The Reddit lady doesn’t want to be confrontational and it’s natural for lawyers to be risk-averse in general. But really, when somebody is talking bunk about you and your spouse, it’s totally within the bounds of the social contract to tell that person to go screw themselves. My wife’s not a violent person, but if she ever actually met some of the commenters here, she’d choke a bitch. That’s natural. It’s natural to take it personally when somebody is mean to your spouse. If none of the other coping mechanisms work, don’t feel bad about expressing how personally you are taking it. They’ll still respect you in the morning (and most likely shut their traps). Similarly, if I was sitting here at this computer and some guy from my wife’s office came in here to tell me that my wife was about to leave me because I don’t earn enough, that guy would soon see what else I can do with my knuckles besides using them for typos.

It’s hard enough out there for female associates. They shouldn’t have to deal with the social pressure to find a man who earns a comparable amount to them just to fit in.

So don’t sweat these fools. If you are together for the right reasons, you’ll end up in a happy relationship, while they wonder why they can’t ever seem to find a nice man.

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie.

My fiance is a barista, I am a lawyer. My coworkers now openly taunt him for being poor. [Reddit]

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