Regular readers of this blog will know that I don’t like guns. I don’t like gun owners, and the Second Amendment is the only amendment I can’t stand. If there was an unsecured firearm just hanging out around the ATL offices, I’d be very unhappy. Guns kill people and I’d be far more worried about a co-worker accidentally shooting the biggest target in the room than the Adam Kaisers of the world making a personal appearance to our offices.

But, even though I’m a pansy-ass liberal who trusts in power of peace over the false security of loaded weapons, I would not freak out if I found out that somebody around here kept a gun under his desk in case Evan Chesler hears one too many “Cravath no longer pays top of the market” references and decides to execute order 66.

Of course, I’m a grown man who knows that when the bullets start flying there’s no shame in running or hiding like a bitch. Other people with less experience and confidence might see a gun and turn into a useless pile of fear.

And that’s when the internet needs to step in and give some advice…

I was traveling back from Florida on Monday so I missed this week’s Dear Prudence column on Slate. But a reader pointed us to the pertinent question:

Q. Gun at Job: I just finished my first year of law school and have my first legal job. So far everything is difficult —but it should be, it is part of the learning curve. The other day I was doing some filing and I found a handgun in a drawer. I’ve never been exposed to guns before and I don’t know if it was loaded or not. I am scared of this gun because I use the filing cabinets all the time and I do not want to set it off unintentionally. Also, tempers run very high in this office and I am afraid that somebody who knows it is there might use it for dangerous purposes… I am hesitant to bring this up to my job-placement office because my boss will absolutely know it was me who brought this up. I am hesitant to ask my boss directly because I do not want to appear weak or difficult.

You can read the full question as well as Prudence’s advice on Slate.

If this kid had asked me this question, in person, there’s a high chance I would have slapped him and yelled “you can act like a man.” Christ in the chamber, the boss will think this guy is weak and difficult because he’s acting weak and difficult. I hate guns really as much as one can, but “tempers run very high in this office and I am afraid that somebody who knows it is there might use it for dangerous purposes.”??? What does that even mean?

If it means: “we have some crazy people here who might shoot up the place,” then guess what, THEY’LL BRING THEIR OWN FREAKING GUN. Is this kid really saying that he’s afraid he’s going to get murdered?

If you are worried about the gun, go to your boss and say, “I saw the gun. WTF? How many guns are in this office!” Then, he’ll tell you. And then, if you don’t like the answer, all you have to do is keep yourself alive for another 8 weeks or so until the summer is over. Leave early from office drinking parties. Don’t have sex with other people’s wives near the drawer where the gun is located. I think you’ll be a’ight.

Later, after the summer is over you should absolutely tell your career services office the firm has guns on the premise. Maybe, in your area, that is totally common. Maybe it is not. Either way, after the summer, there’s little chance your summer employer is going to come to your house and shoot your unarmed ass.

And please, never own a gun. It’s exactly the kind of people who don’t know how to take care of themselves without a weapon who think that owning a firearm will somehow make it all better — and then end up shooting their way out of a situation that simply required some common sense.

Backup Plan [Slate]

Earlier: Lawyer of the Day: Criminal Defense Attorney Has No Problem Shooting At Criminals


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