Ed. note: The following piece was authored by The Legal Tease, of Sweet Hot Justice fame. Check out her other musings from Sweet Hot Justice here.

Has your soul winced at all today? The kind of wince that feels like your junk has retreated deep into your abdomen in a way that makes you mostly nauseous… but also a little excited? No? Well, YOU’RE WELCOME, because here’s your chance. Actually, though, don’t thank me — thank a partner at one of Biglaw’s biggest and baddest firms, whose departure memo will leave track marks in your brain for at least the next three days.

Our partner, Garrett Waltzer, started off with the usual sentiments: After 24 years practicing at Skadden, in both Los Angeles and Palo Alto, he’s grateful for the professional opportunities, the terrific mentoring, the millions of dollars friendships he’s made, yada yada yada. Then he starts to tease us:

I have decided to start a new phase of my life. I do not plan to practice law.

Hm. OK. Well, Waltzer, what do you plan to do then? The answers await you after the jump, in what will likely heretofore be known as Chapter 1 of the Mid-Life Crisis Manual handed out to all new associates at Skadden and beyond….

Practice law after retirement? Please. Write a novel? No, not for our guy. As he explains:

Instead, I have been blessed with the incredible good fortune of being married to TaQuita Thorns, a talented singer from Detroit, Michigan who is just beginning her career in the music business.

Chaquita what? Music business? Huh?

In addition to writing and recording outstanding R&B, Rock & Soul songs, TaQuita is an energetic performer with a dazzling voice and stunning looks. I am very excited about TaQuita’s prospects. Going forward, I plan to be a supportive husband and do all I can to help TaQuita achieve her mission to improve the world through music and, in the process, become a force in the music industry.

I hope to stay in touch with my many friends at the Firm. You can always reach me at [..].

Best wishes for your health and happiness

I know, sweetlings — it’s a lot to wrap your head around. It’ll be OK. Let’s focus on the important things, namely, who is this TaQuita Thorns? How do we learn more about her? Is anyone else craving taquitos right now? Or to examine it from another angle, is there any way this departure memo could be any more mortifying? What’s that you say? It can? Fantastic! Waltzer’s parting shot:

PS: you can follow TaQuita’s career at www.TaQuitaThorns.com and on her YouTube channel www.youtube.com/user/TaQuitaThorns. You can preview TaQuita’s new yet-to-be-released music video, “Nobody But You” by clicking http://youtu.be/WnhfHcp2f9k

And there we have it. Now, the King of Twerk I’m not, but I’ve never heard of TaQuita Thorns. Granted, as our own pop culture hound Joe Patrice pointed out to me, TaQuita isn’t a complete stranger to the entertainment game — she spent some time on the reality show circuit about six years ago, with Taquita & Kaui.

As far as we can tell, Taquita’s not signed to any major, or minor, record label, but hey, you have to start somewhere. We wish TaQuita the best of luck in her career, though R&B/soul really is a tough sell in today’s market… unless it’s being sung by a white lady, preferably a British one.

Bottom line: I hope you didn’t get a pre-nup, TaQuita. And Waltzer, I sure as hell hope you did.

See the full departure memo on the next page (along with some UPDATES to this story)….


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