You can do anything with a law degree, including most of the things you could have done without a law degree.
For instance, you could bag groceries with a law degree. I think they even teach classes in law school that prepare you for a life of bagging groceries — one is called “Environmental Law.” Still, when a law school starts advertising “clerking” jobs that involve working in stores instead of courthouses, you really know all you need to about the market for new graduates.
And this is from a law school with a bit of a history of advertising terrible law jobs for its grads…
Last time we featured a job offer from the Tulsa University College of Law, it was from a local attorney who was looking for a babysitter. But the guy said he was looking for a “CEO,” a “Child Entertainment Officer.” Because when you are insulting law students, it’s good to make a play on words.
You’d think that whoever runs Tulsa’s career services would have learned their lesson, but no. Not even a little bit. Take a look at this:
LOLWUT? Hahahahahahaha… sorry, give me a second… 100 OPENINGS! Oh gosh, do you realize that I actually have to “debate” with people over whether law school is a good investment? Like, that’s a question people still ask me with a straight face and serious demeanor. Watching people justify the current system of legal education is like watching an episode of Ancient Aliens: “Is it possible that aliens came to Earth in the distant past to mine gold that they needed for their atmosphere? The answer is YES!” How can you argue with that?
In any event, I went to Sprouts to check out these job openings. Here are some fun ones, with my idea of what courses law deans will say “helped you” get the position:
Senior Meat Clerk Job
The Senior Meat Clerk is responsible for providing a high level of customer service and practicing safe food handling procedures. This position receives, stores, and grinds meats; unloads and transports fresh, cured and boxed meats and poultry from delivery truck; counts and weighs incoming articles and compares results against invoice; and examines meats in storage and rotates meats to avoid aging. In addition to Meat Clerk duties, the Senior Meat Clerk is also responsible for Meat department operations in the absence of the Meat Manager on duty.
* Law school prerequisite: Food and Drug Law.
Back up Scan Job
The Back-Up Bookkeeper/Scanner computes, classifies, and records numerical data to keep Store financial records complete. This position perform any combination of routine calculating, posting, and verifying duties to obtain primary financial data for use in maintaining accounting records. This position also checks the accuracy of figures, calculations, and postings pertaining to business transactions recorded by other workers.
* Law school prerequisite: Standards of Judicial Review
The Bagger is responsible for providing a high level of customer service and ensuring that the customer’s groceries are handled properly to maintain quality.
* Law school prerequisite: Civil Procedure
Order Selector Job
The Order Selector fills supply orders for all Sprouts locations as directed. The Order Selector must select the proper items and quantities listed on the paper picking list or R.F. Gun. The Order Selector must palletize the order and shrink wrap for shipping. The majority of time in this position is spent inside of refrigerated coolers.
* Law school prerequisite: Comparative International Law.
Oh, I could do this all day, but I don’t actually want to make anybody at Tulsa Law cry. Good luck guys, your school really wants you to be “employed upon graduation.”