Rudeness, State Judges

Cranky Judge Wants Some Damn Peace And Quiet In The Courtroom

Check out the over-the-top "Courtroom Best Practices" guide issued by a county judge.

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Judges are people too. Usually older people apt to complain that everyone should keep it down and get off their lawn. And in the interest of getting people to quiet down, older people love writing rules. As Jerry Seinfeld said of Florida, older folks “work hard their entire lives just so they can move down there, sit in the heat, pretend it’s not hot, and enforce these rules.”

So it really shouldn’t come as a surprise when we get our hands on this over-the-top “Best Practices” guide sent out by a county judge for every lawyer, staff member, and litigant who crosses the courthouse threshold.

And it’s even less of a surprise when it reads like it was written by a grumpy grandparent….

Without further ado, here’s what you absolutely, positively must know if you’re appearing in Scott County, Somewhere, USA:

1. For all multiple line calendars, the deputies shall give a consistent pre-court introduction that addresses issues of electronics, food and gum, noise level, kids, approaching the clerks and contact with in-custody defendants if relevant.

Fair enough. A lot of this is pretty common sense. Don’t eat in the courthouse. Don’t proposition the prostitutes while they wait for arraignment. Stuff like that. And yet like most common sense principles, everyone’s on board right up until someone takes the time to write them all down like some overbearing schoolmarm.

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Electronics must be turned off and stowed in the courtroom. If your phone is audible or you are seen using your phone in the courtroom, it will be taken by the deputy and held until the end of the calendar.

“If you can’t behave I’m going to take that away from you.” It’s not like people use their phones for scheduling hearings and appearances or anything.

4. Attorneys shall not approach the clerks while on the record. If an attorney wishes to alert the clerk that his or her case is ready to be called, they may use post-its provided on counsel table to indicate their defendant’s name, that the case is ready to be called, if it’s going to be a plea/sentencing and if their client is in custody.

Post-its? Can’t even spring for a form?

5. In order to minimize noise and distraction during proceedings, court staff shall avoid using the door immediately behind the judge. Further, the other access doors shall be adjusted to muffle closing noise. The deputies will attempt to limit the use of the in-
custody doors while other cases are on the record. Sign age will be added to remind people to be quiet immediately outside court doors while court is in session.

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Imagine the chaos if someone opens a friggin’ door.

But the most condescending direction is saved for subpoint 6.

6. Continue to strive for quieter equipment – printers, scanners and keyboards. For clerks with acrylic nails and aggression issues, be mindful of the intensity of your typing. For everyone in the courtroom, be mindful of what is happening on the record. If a young or emotional victim is giving an impact statement or a very soft spoken witness is on the stand, it may be a time when no typing can be done.

Does it trouble anyone else that the judge presumes to use the “victim” label as opposed to “alleged victim” or “witness”? Just checking.

Well, it seems to me that despite the judge’s precious sensibilities, the court reporter is going to need to keep typing even if the witness is crying. That said, “clerks with acrylic nails and aggression issues” reads pretty passive-aggressive for a county courthouse. How many people fitting that description could possibly work in the Scott County courthouse? It also paints such a vivid picture of a gum-snapping, long-nailed firecracker. This is a sitcom supporting character waiting to happen. I’d really like some video of whoever inspired this line at work.

Except the court deputy would have to impound my camera.

(Flip to the next page to read the “courtroom best practices” in all their glory.)

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