Silly Things Clients Say
Some client comments that don't make sense, or are unintentionally funny, or are annoying.
In the solo/small-firm world, when you first talk to a potential client, sometimes they say things that doesn’t make sense, are unintentionally funny, or annoying. A reader tipped me off to a discussion on an attorney message board on some of the sillier things potential clients have said to them. Here are the more hilarious (and infuriating) quotes from that discussion.
We’ve all been asked this one before.
A number of attorneys in that discussion mentioned the caller who asks “Can you just answer a simple, quick question?” hoping they can get out of paying a consultation fee. I’ve been asked that too many times. A lot of times, the caller’s “simple question” has 20 different parts and takes 20 minutes to answer. By the time they finish, it makes me want to break the caller into 20 different pieces.
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It’s funnier when they preface the question with “I don’t need a lawyer.” Then why are they calling one?
A variant of this is when the potential client tries to downplay the seriousness of their situation. For example, they say “I have a simple divorce matter” or “I just want to set up a simple will.” But divorces can get very emotional at a time when both spouses least expect it. And the beneficiaries of an estate plan might not like the size of their share of the pie. And this can lead to a very lengthy and expensive ordeal. A few war stories might set them straight.
The client who misunderstands the law.
One attorney got a call from someone who apparently doesn’t know that there are limits on what can be transferred through a will.
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Client: “Do you do wills?”
Attorney: “Yes..”
Client: “OK good, because I want to do one and in it I want to leave custody of <children/grandchildren> to <X>.”
Attorney: “Well, unlike a car, an antique heirloom, or land, children have not been considered property since the Bible. So, yeah, you can’t transfer custody via will.”
To be fair, the client probably wanted to set up a guardianship, which is allowed through a will.
The client who thinks he knows it all.
One attorney got a call from multiple clients who seem to be omniscient:
“File a complaint against my adversary. He won’t hire a lawyer. He will settle.”
“Send the demand letter to my adversary. He won’t hire a lawyer. He will settle.”
“I am absolutely certain that the events x, y, and z happened as I have told you . No one will say otherwise.”
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The client could be right. But most times they are wrong, especially if their adversary lawyers up. The client’s false assumptions could end up costing them.
“I just want you to review a document I downloaded and tweaked on the internet.”
I covered this before here. It has got to the point where I charge the same price whether I review the document or create a new one.
The client who wore the wrong pair of pants at the wrong time.
This seems to be a common problem for criminal defense lawyers. One met a potential client who probably isn’t too close to his family.
Attorney: “So, they found drugs in your pocket?”
Client: “They weren’t my pants.”
Attorney: “Whose pants were they?”
Client: “My cousin’s.”
Me: “What’s your cousin’s name?”
Client: “I don’t know.”
Another criminal defense attorney met a potential client whose story strains credulity.
Client: “My buddy let me wear his pants, I didn’t know there was a bag of dope in there!”
Attorney: “What’s your buddy’s name?”
Client: “I’m not going to snitch on him, but I don’t know his name.”
Attorney: “How long have you known him?”
Client: “Five years.”
Attorney: “And you don’t know his name?”
Client: “Well, everybody just calls him Snake/Blood/Killer/Buddy/Curly. I don’t know his real name.”
Attorney: “Where does he live?”
Client: “Around here somewhere, I don’t know. I just see him at parties.”
Attorney: “(Sigh…) And he let you borrow his pants, of course, which he just happened to have an extra pair lying around after you spilled mustard/ketchup/sriracha/hummus/gazpacho on yours.”
When clients compare your fee with the competition.
The client might try to negotiate down your fee by comparing your fees to others. I can respect that. But sometimes the comparisons are just ridiculous.
Lawyer: “I will need an initial deposit of $5,000 before I can take your case.”
Client: “But the three other lawyers in your area only charged a flat $1,000 to my friends who have the exact same problem I do.”
Assuming you know that this lower fee is a lie, you might be tempted to call them out on it. If you ask for the attorneys’ names to verify this fee, they will conveniently have an acute case of amnesia. From a client acquisition perspective, I wouldn’t recommend doing this because it will put the client in an awkward position by forcing them to admit they are being dishonest. And no client will feel comfortable paying for and working with an attorney who will shame them.
So if a potential client supposedly knows an attorney that will charge them a lower fee, just graciously tell them to go to that other attorney.
Sometimes the red flag is obvious.
Client: “Hello, my name is <x> and my lawyer <I. Will Burnham, Esq.> is withdrawing from my case and I want to hire you to take over. Oh also there’s a hearing coming up in the case in a week. How much will it cost to hire you?”
Lawyer: Well first, if you don’t mind my asking, why is your attorney withdrawing?
Client: “Aww it’s nothing really, I mean he did an OK job I guess, he’s just
withdrawing because I haven’t paid him what I owe.”Lawyer: …..ok, thanks but no thanks.
At least the client’s honest.
Potential clients will always ask silly questions. When I first started, I took them seriously. A few years later, they annoyed me. But now I just deal with them. I remind myself that clients don’t know any better and that’s why they seek our guidance.
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Shannon Achimalbe was a former solo practitioner for five years before deciding to sell out and get back on the corporate ladder. Shannon can be reached by email at sachimalbe@excite.com and via Twitter: @ShanonAchimalbe.
