Juggalo Law

Posts by Juggalo Law

Shortly after I was hired to write terrible Morning Docket entries for this website, I went to one of those ATL holiday shindigs in New York. Free booze and the chance to hobnob with the kind of people I actively shunned during law school was too great an opportunity to pass up. When I arrived at the bar, I scanned the room for my website superiors. I quickly spotted Lat, breakdancing in front of the jukebox and screaming lines from the movie Chairman of the Board. Perhaps I’ll introduce myself another day, I thought. Elie was a little harder to find. Is that him? What about him? He could be anyone, I said to myself. Trapped in a room of Elie clones.

I began to strike up conversations with everyone.

It wasn’t until the wee hours of the morning that I began chatting with a meek, retiring fellow. I had to lean in to hear his thoughts as he spoke in something barely above a whisper. Whenever I asked this man a question, his responses were peppered with equivocations like “Well, I don’t know” or “That’s complicated.” A hard man to pin down, this one. But the elegant subtlety of his opinions intrigued. Enraptured by this humble man’s quiet reserve, I was shocked when he apologized profusely for his poor etiquette and introduced himself. “I’m Elie Mystal.”

Naw, just playing. Yesterday, Elie sent me an email that began “Defend YOUR BOY now! And by “your boy,” I mean Alex Rodriguez.”

Okay…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Elie Emails Me Things: Alex Rodriguez Is A Weirdo”

For those too young to remember, allow me to explain. It wasn’t until Ryan White that Ronald Reagan even knew what AIDS was. The sick kid from Indiana prompted President Reagan to, in one of his famous fireside chats, declare war on the disease. That war was won two years later with an armistice signed in Paris by emissaries from both warring nations. Anyway, that’s why we have parades all the time now.

Fast forward, like, 70 years, and we arrive at last week. A larcenous little leukemia survivor stole our collective hearts with a day of make-believe so unbelievably rich, the Muppet Babies have considered filing a copyright lawsuit. The child, with a real name no one cares about and the fake name “Batkid,” was allowed to run around the entire city of San Francisco while denizens of that city (mostly homeless bums) pretended that he was a superhero. He rescued a damsel in distress, helped to arrest the Riddler, and finished the day off by murdering the Penguin in cold blood. JKJKJK. The Penguin plot line had something to do with the San Francisco Giants mascot.

Anyway, the sickly little scamp had a helluva day and made everyone feel like a million bucks. All because of pretend.

And no one pretended harder than the U.S. Attorney’s Office….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “The Riddler And The Penguin Get Caught — Thanks To Batkid”

When I was 9 years old, I had a problem with showers. The problem was that I wasn’t taking them. For whatever reason, it fell to my father to explain the ripeness doctrine to his disgusting and smelly son. I remember the lecture going something like this:

When I was in the Marines, there was one guy who didn’t bathe. After weeks spent humping heavy packs from here to kingdom come, I probably don’t need to tell you how awful a man can get to smelling. We were all 18 and 19 and 20 and not one of us had impeccable hygiene. But the bare minimum we can ask of each other as men, son, is to bathe on a daily basis. What I guess I’m trying to say is that no man is an island. His actions have consequences and this man’s actions led to serious consequences, not the least of which was an odor redolent of hot garbage. Do you understand what I’m saying? Why you need to shower?

“So did that guy ever start showering?”

Sure. But first, we had to throw a blanket over his head and beat the #*$% out of him.

This week, Jonathan Martin attempted to become the heavyweight champion of bullying victims. In the process, macho culture, a sort of blithe racism, violence, workplace norms, and Harvard Law School were put on trial. In Japan, their endomorphs square off in a dohyō. Here, they square off via media leak, tweet, and scores of lawyers.

Let’s talk sports…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Jonathan Martin, Future Gunner”


Whenever the topic of financial profligacy arises, I like to remind the assembled audience of my own rectitude in such matters. Why, I didn’t get a credit card until my second year of law school. Until that point, I had no need for credit. And I still didn’t even after I got the card. A twelve-hundred dollar limit is what they gave me on account of my non-existent credit. But that was alright with me. What in the world would ever possess a person to spend more than a thousand dollars that they didn’t have on hand? Do you know how cheap eggs are? I mean, I know this sounds like quite the non sequitur, but do you know how cheap a carton of eggs is? You can get them for a dollar. Maybe a dollar and change. The only reason I bring this up is they are a tasty source of protein for next-to-no-money at all. And so I ask you, why in the world would you ever need to borrow an enormous sum of money? Why would you spend your money like some drunk, and likely ethnic, sailor on shore leave? Are you compensating for something? I beseech you, are you too good for eggs? No sir, I don’t think I’m better than you with your spendthrift waffle iron ways. I just think you must never have truly learned how to run a tight fiscal ship.

I owe several entities close to a quarter-million dollars because of a Northwestern legal education that led me to… well, this.

Let’s talk money.

Let’s talk sports…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Fiscally Weak But Boston Strong”

* The fiscal impasse in our nation’s capital is over! The government shutdown is over! Obamaphones for everyone!!!!! [Washington Post]

* Tim Geithner was recently deposed as part of a lawsuit alleging that the government bailout of AIG was unconstitutional. Muammar Gaddafi was less recently deposed as part of a coup alleging that his female bodyguards were unconstitutionally sexy. [Fox Business]

* Berkeley Bird Beheader begins boot bivouac. [Fox5 Vegas via Las Vegas Law Blog]

* Cory Booker (Yale Law ’97) won a Senate seat last night, promptly bumping Lat from the cover of the next Yale Law alumni magazine. It was the Halloween issue — the annual Boo Haven edition. [ABC News]

* Mark Cuban was acquitted of insider trading charges yesterday. In related news, this basset hound loves fans. [CBS News]

* Brooklyn Law faces a possible debt downgrade from Standard & Poor’s. The school’s unemployed graduates, substandard and poor, have yet to weigh in. [Crain's New York Business]

* In other law school news, Chicago-Kent announces an interesting new initiative (with a Whopper of a name). [IIT Chicago-Kent College of Law (press release)]

Elie here: standing up for bucolic, Indiana.

We were driving back from my girlfriend’s hometown. There are plenty of long silences during these drives. I like it that way. Occasionally, though, the silence is punctured by questions from Stephanie about evolutionary psychology (“Why do I crave sugar sooooo much?”) or animal husbandry (“When are we getting a dog and can we name it Chuck Bass?”). During this last drive, Stephanie asked me a particularly penetrating question. “What is the worst state?” Before I could answer semisolid, she clarified, “I mean, it’s gotta be Indiana, right?”

Probably? I thought about it awhile. Indiana is awful and, yet, boring at the same time. All the boredom of Kansas with all the progressive racial relations of Idaho. I can already hear the complaints that will emanate from this random introduction to a column that is nominally about sports and the law. “What about Florida?” “Has Stephanie ever been to Ft. Wayne in autumn?” “Does Lat even know you’re writing for this website?” These are all excellent questions and I respect the hell out of every single one of them. But I’m not going to apologize for my girlfriend’s bigotry. We’ve had Chuck Bass exactly one week and I love that dog. I love him with all my heart and I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what you say about it, we’re going to keep it.

Let’s talk sports…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “The Prosecution Never Rests”

Before we get to the intelligent sports conversation that is the stock-in-trade of this column, let’s discuss Titillating Tales. On Wednesday, I asked all of you to send me stories. I want to be clear in this space that I am accepting ALL stories. What’s the funniest thing that has happened at a bar review? What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in bungling an assignment for a partner? Have you ever tried to date a colleague? Did it end as it should, in a pile of self-loathing and salty tears? If you have a story you’d like to tell, please email it to juggalolaw@gmail.com and don’t forget to cc tips@abovethelaw.com. This is significantly cheaper than therapy and I’ve toyed around with the idea of making a T-shirt for whomever tells the best/funniest story. The T-shirt may include puffy paint and may include a picture of Garrison Keillor and may include my crude rendering of a huge monkey. The monkey’s doing terrible stuff with his one hand and the monkey’s tail is hanging down and on the tail are the words “TITILLATING TAIL WORLD CHAMPION 2013.” Now that I’m committing this thought to writing, I realize I may need to outsource the artwork. No matter.

This week, we’ve got Craig James accusing Fox Broadcasting of bias against Christian folk and O.J. Simpson stealing cookies. No weeze, Juice. Classic Encino Man reference for all my over-30 homies.

Let’s talk anything but my receding hairline.

Let’s talk sports…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “At Least O.J. Simpson Didn’t Kill Five Hookers”

Send your stories to juggalolaw@gmail.com!

PETERMAN: Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn…
KRAMER: You know, if you like that one, I got more… what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventure?… Erotica?

I would like to hear your stories. Not long ago, Joe reminded those of you who currently attend law school that you are invaluable to this site’s ability to report all of the important goings-on at our nation’s elite bastions of legal learning. Without you, we would never get to regurgitate the overwrought exclamations law school dorks spew on their school listservs. Tipsters, like torts, strive to make us whole.

But what if I told you that I don’t care about your newsworthy tips? What if I told you that I want nothing more than to bathe in your tedious day-to-day life, your minor humiliations and your microscopic triumphs? I want to hear the stories you will tell each other this weekend over beers at your favorite dive bar. The stories you have problems getting out because you laugh so hard at times that the whole table shakes and your eyes water. You probably think this stuff is too dumb and petty to entertain. But you’d be wrong. I love people’s stories like Lat loves peep toes. And I want you to send me those tales.

To grease the skids for this venture, I thought I’d share with you the story that highlighted a recent weekend repast. It’s a tale of Biglaw, sex toys, and online surveillance. I call this story “Elite Law Firm Dildo Cookies”…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Titillating Tales From The Bar!”

Sean Taylor was murdered on November 27, 2007. To give you some perspective on that date, just consider the following. In 2007, Above the Law was a free insert that ran in every other issue of Soldier of Fortune magazine. There, amongst the gun reviews and true tales of heroism, was David Lat’s humble legal gossip circular. In 2007, I was finishing my first semester of my second year of law school. I was taking Complex Lit or Fed Jur or Antitrust. Gearing up for all the abstract federal antitrust work I currently handle at Garbage Jobs ‘R Us, I guess? In 2007, an ounce of gold was worth two-and-a-half cents and two-and-a-half cents down could get you a house. With a pool. Or a pond. Pond would be good for you.

In 2007, Barack Obama was a Senator and David Souter was a judge. In 2007, I pissed in my bed two nights in a row. The first time was jarring, but ultimately surmountable. The second time was much more frightening as I discovered that a bed only comes with two sides that can be reasonably slept on. In 2007, the number one song was Rihanna’s “Umbrella.” It would not be until 2008 that I truly listened to this song. In 2008, my friends really hated me.

In 2007, the Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. I was at a house party where I attacked the keg viciously and without mercy upon my arrival. Shortly after Devin Hester ran the opening kickoff back for a touchdown, I threw up in my friend’s toilet and passed out in someone’s bed. I awoke after halftime to discover that everyone hated me. This would turn out to be good training for 2008.

In 2007, Sean Taylor was murdered. This week, the trial date for his alleged murderers was set for this October.

Let’s talk sports…

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “The Wheels Of Justice Turn Slowly For Sean Taylor”

* A Texas court overturned Tom DeLay’s conviction on money laundering charges. DeLay immediately thanked Jesus, who played an instrumental role in the three judge panel’s deliberations. [New York Times]

* Eric Holder has eliminated mandatory minimum sentences for those low-level nonviolent drug offenders whose cases are currently pending. In related news, here is a cow riding a razor scooter. [Washington Post]

* This says J.P. Morgan actually did just fine in their settlement with the Securities and Exchange Commission. I get the hugest boner from underdog stories like this one. [WSJ Law Blog]

* A woman has sued Getty Images after her photo was used in an HIV advertisement. She’s apparently holding out for the herp campaign. [New York Post]

* More from Clarence Thomas in Portland: “Why was a black kid in Georgia reading Ayn Rand?” I don’t know. Because he was dumb? [ABC News]

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