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Udderly Deplorable

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When I was a child, my mom’s friend visited the house and brought her newborn baby with her. Without warning, the woman whipped out her boob and began feeding the newborn in front of me and all of God’s creation. I stared for an uncomfortably long ten seconds at the parasitic orgy, then quickly scampered behind the curtains located less than five feet from the feeding frenzy. As I stood behind the curtains, my face beet red with embarrassment, my mother and her friend tried to coax me out, assuring me that everything would be okay. After an unusually long time behind those curtains, I stomped past the horror and made a beeline to the kitchen. I had to conquer my fear. I was also determined to salvage what was left of my 14th birthday party.

Segue.

And so it was that a lady filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, claiming that she was fired from her job as a teacher because she had to leave the classroom to suck milk out of her boob.

Moooooo-re after the jump!

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Morning Docket: 07.29.11

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* Prosecutors plan to use the DNA of a child born to a 14-year-old girl to prove their case against polygamist Warren Jeffs. I’m fresh out of jokes about sex with children. [Reuters]

* Madoff trustee Irving Picard doesn’t have standing to pursue some claims against HSBC Bank. Sometimes, he would get bored while censoring letters and sign his name Picard Irving. [Bloomberg]

* A federal judge found that comic-book artist Jack Kirby’s heirs do not own the right to multiple characters Kirby created for Marvel Comics. Characters like the Incredible Hulk, the X-Men, Marmaduke, and Mallard Fillmore. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Would Kat Von D have a more difficult time working at a law firm than Deshawn Stevenson? Vivia Chen is here to answer all your Deshawn Stevenson and Kat Von D related law firm questions! [The Careerist]

* The New York Times says Nafissatou Diallo’s public appearance yesterday summoned “echoes of racially charged cases in recent city history.” History does not repeat itself, but it does rhyme. For instance, Diallo rhymes with Diallo. History is a s**t rapper. [New York Times]

20 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.28.11

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* A judge intends to strike the San Francisco circumcision ban from the November ballot. I’d rather be on the beach, but nobody is linking to this, so I have to. [Seattle Post Intelligencer]

* The law firm Bursor & Fisher is using creative means to fight AT&T’s proposed takeover bid of T-Mobile. I’m like Ma Bell, I got the ill arbitration. Ma Bell, I got the ill arbitration. [Reuters]

* That chinless bullfrog George Lucas lost in his attempt to hoard all the Star Wars monies for himself. [BBC]

* Florida’s attempt to scrub intent from its drugs laws was declared unconstitutional. For those taking the bar, you already know this as one of the crucially important aspects of any criminal law. Of course, I’m speaking of Stephen Rea. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Teamsters showed up outside the offices of the law firm Jackson Lewis in order to protest the firm’s role in Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance. I didn’t really read this one. [Am Law Daily]

* A Christian legal group has asked the Supreme Court to overturn Obamacare. Tell Sir Thomas More we’ve got another failed attempt. [Bloomberg]

7 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.27.11

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* “TWISTED Anders Breivik’s lawyer yesterday branded him a maniac who pumped himself full of drugs before slaughtering at least 76 people in his Norway rampage.” [The Sun]

* American Indian tribes are still struggling to combat crime a year after federal law allowed for harsher sentences by tribal authorities. I’d make a joke here, but I agree with Chris Rock. Nobody got it worse than the American Indian. [Associated Press]

* A group called American Atheists has filed suit protesting the Ground Zero cross. I swear to God, if these communists manage to get a flying spaghetti monster fashioned out of rebar placed at Ground Zero, I’ll… I didn’t really think this one out before I started typing. Whatever. [WSJ Law Blog]

* A 15-year-old United States citizen was sentenced by a Mexican court to three years in prison for BEHEADING FOUR PEOPLE AND KIDNAPPING THREE. The only reasonable takeaway from all this is that Mexicans are very bad influences on our children. [CNN via ABA Journal]

* The next court date of Dominique Strauss-Kahn (pictured) was pushed back to August 23. Which is cool because DSK always wanted to spend autumn in New York… sexually assaulting maids. Allegedly. Lat made me add allegedly. [New York Post]

* Some longhaired freak, who surely stinks of patchouli and will be sorely missed by his Ultimate Frisbee teammates, was sentenced to two years in the clink for placing fake energy lease bids in a government auction. [Los Angeles Times]

* Which accusation is worse: running a Ponzi scheme, or embezzling from the Boy Scouts? [Patch - Lamorinda]

18 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.26.11

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Jenner Block logo.JPG* Anders Breivik was denied his soapbox as yesterday’s court appearance was held in private. On a related note, Glenn Beck never disappoints. [Los Angeles Times]

* California passed a law that will allow illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition at California universities. What say you, Cheech? [CNN]

* Jenner & Block made a mint defending video games before the Supreme Court. Speaking of video games, this story on something called Dwarf Fortress was excellent. [Washington Post]

* Elie begged for consistency from gay marriage opponents yesterday. Governor Rick Perry of Texas has obliged. Get a room, you two. [Austin American-Statesman]

* One of the biggest providers of kidney dialysis is being charged with wasting large amounts of drugs in order to game Medicare. Say what you will about Amy Winehouse, but she didn’t waste drugs. [New York Times]

* Part Two of our ongoing series on Asian men accused of behaving badly features Representative David Wu of Oregon, who is under fire for an alleged sexual encounter with the teenage daughter of a donor. [USA Today]

* Musical Chairs: former Orrick partner Josh Galper goes in-house, joining Personal as chief policy officer and general counsel. [PR Newswire]

4 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.25.11

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Image via Getty

* Where does Amy Winehouse’s estate go? Here’s a suggestion that it goes… wait for it… Back to Blake. Get it? You guys get it. [Gawker]

* In the other news that dominated the weekend, Norway’s resident nightmare factory, Anders Breivik, wants to explain himself in court. [Reuters]

* Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s accuser has begun her media blitz. Last prosecutor out, please turn off the lights. [Newsweek via New York Post]

* To those who pout about the generally positive coverage of gay marriage on this site, here’s a Washington Times story connecting Jonathan Turley’s Sister Wives lawsuit to gay marriage. You’re welcome. [Washington Times]

* And to those who can’t get enough positive coverage of gay marriage, a recap of all the gay marrying in New York over the weekend. Congratulations, Ms. Siegel and Ms. Kopelov. You kids crushed it. [New York Times]

* A new rule proposed by the Labor Department may require law firms to disclose work they do if it’s used to “persuade workers on union activity.” Seems like as good a time as any to link to this bunny rabbit eating parsley. [Washington Post]

* Charles Manatt, former DNC chair and founding partner of Manatt, Phelps & Phillips, R.I.P. [Los Angeles Times]

8 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.22.11

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* James Murdoch may have been lying. That is all. [New York Times]

* Bennie Wilcox, a former “dean” of Kaplan “University’s” “law” and “legal” “studies”, was sentenced to a year in prison for posting online threats against the “school.” [Bloomberg]

* Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to prevent Maria Shriver from terminating half his assets over that secret Junior he created. She’s like the Predator, this one. Thank you. Thank you. If you need me, I’ll be over here Pumping Iron. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Anita Hill is returning to private practice, joining Cohen Milstein, a Washington D.C. plaintiff’s firm. In related news, Ginni Thomas can’t wait to drunk dial Cohen Milstein. [Am Law Daily]

* Texas: where the lawyers are lawyers and the alligators are nervous. [Fort Worth Star-Telegram via ABA Journal]

* Two lawyers are accused of draining most of Rosa Parks’s estate via legal fees. Something something hush that fuss. [Associated Press]

5 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.21.11

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* Lindsay Lohan is headed back to court today. She’s expected to be arraigned on charges of being the best actress ever. [Hollywood Life]

* Another future Nobelist, Kim Kardashian, has filed a lawsuit against the Gap for using what this article calls “a faux-dashian model in a commercial for its Old Navy brand.” May you live in frighteningly vapid times. [CNNMoney]

* Texas executed a man last night who went on a random brown person killing spree after 9/11. [Fox News]

* Two 14-year-old boys in New Jersey will be forced to register as sex offenders after dropping trou and throwing their stinkholes on two other kids’ faces. Motorboating: taint what it used to be. [WSJ Law Blog]

* The Dodgers squared off against Major League Baseball in a Delaware bankruptcy court yesterday. For more on this story, here’s a dog wearing a toupee. [CBSSports.com]

* Former Congressman and current law firm partner Martin Frost took to the cyberpages of Politico to brag about stealing unflattering file photos of a female judge he clerked for from the Dallas Morning News back in the 1970s. If that sentence doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because I don’t really understand what’s going on here. Also, I don’t write good. [Politico via ABA Journal]

11 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.20.11

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* News Corp. has hired Paul Weiss attorney Mark Mendelsohn, a Foreign Corrupt Practices Act expert, to advise them. In related news, Chuck Norris has hired Wendi Deng Murdoch to advise him. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Utah’s goofy liquor laws are examined in this New York Times article. The restrictive laws clearly came out of Joseph Smith’s attempt to monopolize visions emanating from the bottom of hats. [New York Times]

* President Obama’s evolving views on gay marriage have led him to back an attempt to repeal DOMA. I’m no Frank Lutz, but I see a messaging problem on gay issues if he keeps up this whole “leading from behind” shtick. [Los Angeles Times]

* Kramer Levin is “client-focused” and looking for someone who is “entrepreneurial” and the “total package.” Words! [The Careerist]

* The Feds arrested a mess of Anonymous hackers yesterday. They dun goofed. [ABA Journal]

* Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall is suing Hanesbrands, parent company of the Champion sports apparel maker, for dropping him after some dumb tweets. Dude said some pretty stupid stuff about 9/11, but the true jewel of his collection was buried deep in this story. In a tweet aimed at women who don’t perform oral sex, Rashard said “It’s either gonna be you, OR some other chick.” Hahahaha. Oh, Rashard. [ESPN]

28 Comments

Morning Docket: 07.18.11

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Rebekah Brooks

* The arrest of Rebekah Brooks over the weekend only complicates the investigation into News Corp. phone-hacking. I like her hair. I only have one question. [Bloomberg]

* What (and where) becomes of Casey Anthony now that she’s out? Y’know, F. Scott Fitzgerald once opined that “There are no second acts in American lives. But Playboy is always a wise option.” Well said, F. Scott. Well said. [New York Times]

* Dominique “L’Dominator” Strauss-Kahn may have had multiple slam pieces on the fateful weekend he was accused of sexual assault. Trois, to be exact. Trois slam pieces. [Daily Intel]

* Some longhair in San Francisco got off a shrooms possession charge because he claimed to forget he had the magical caps and stems. He could, however, rattle off Phish’s entire set list from their Montreal show on 5/9/1998. “Trey was on fire that ni…” the hippie trailed off before asking the reporter for bus fare. [San Francisco Examiner via Gawker]

* More on Cooley’s lawsuit against the internets. [Lansing State Journal]

* The Supreme Court continues to hold its own Player Hater’s Ball with regard to the 9th Circuit. [Los Angeles Times]

* Obama’s pick to lead the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is the former Ohio AG, a University of Chicago Law alum, a member of The Elect and, most importantly, a five-time Jeopardy! champ. [Columbus Dispatch]

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