* Fed cuts fed funds rate by 0.75%, but stocks are still lower. [AP; New York Times; Washington Post]

* Clinton and Obama get snippy with each other in debate, raising questions about each other's legal work. [Washington Post; New York Times; WSJ Law Blog]

* SCOTUS denies review in gigantic Enron-related investors' lawsuit. [SCOTUSblog via How Appealing]

* Statutory interpretation makes for strange bedfellows in 5-4 ruling in Ali v. Federal Bureau of Prisons. [SCOTUSblog (PDF) via How Appealing]

* New York City revisits the issue of forced disclosure of calorie counts by restaurants. [AP via Drudge]

Here's a quick follow-up to our prior coverage of the mysterious Under Armour briefs that somehow made their way into the hands, and onto the loins, of Guantanamo Bay detainees. From Reuters:

The U.S. military has ended an inquiry into who smuggled unauthorized underwear and a bathing suit to two prisoners at Guantanamo Bay without learning the source of the contraband skivvies, an attorney said on Wednesday.

The investigators concluded more vigilance was needed to prevent contraband from entering the camp that holds 330 suspected al Qaeda operatives, said Capt. Pat McCarthy, the military's chief lawyer for the detention operation at Guantanamo.

Is the inability to solve the Riddle of the Briefs a sad commentary on the state of military intelligence? Or is this perhaps a mystery that they didn't want to be solved?

Mystery underwear stymies Guantanamo investigators [Reuters]

Earlier: Guantanamo Bay Perk Watch: Under Armor Briefs!

Life for detainees at Guantanamo Bay, while difficult, isn't 100 percent grim. From yesterday's Washington Post:

Undergarments from Under Armour, the sports apparel line, offer "all-day performance, delivered in a lightweight compression fit," at least according to the company' s promotional material. While "unprecedented" in its ability to deliver comfort, Under Armour underwear is not standard issue for detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. So when two men in detention there were found to possess the contraband briefs, the Navy attorney contacted their attorneys. One of the detainees in question is Shaker Aamer, whose release the British government wrote to request from Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in August.

But before turning to the larger question of whether Aamer will stay or go, there's the question of what he's wearing. And as the recent exchange between the Navy lawyer and Aamer's attorney Clive Stafford Smith illustrates, in the legal wrangling over detention, even details on intimates can lead to contentious debate...

You read excerpts from the hilarious correspondence, which showcase the dry British wit of Clive Stafford-Smith, over here.

But for those of you who like to look at original documents -- and we know that, since you're mostly lawyers, you love yourselves some primary docs -- we're pleased to present the complete correspondence (with original letterhead, signatures, etc.). Just click here (PDF). Enjoy!

Correspondence Between Staff Judge Advocate, U.S. Navy, and Clive A. Stafford-Smith [PDF]
An Incursion of Briefs at Guantanamo [Washington Post]

Is this litigation kosher? You bet. From Vos Iz Neias (Yiddish: "What's News"):

A New Hampshire prison inmate's file drove a federal judge to rhyme to express himself.

A prison inmate protesting his [non-Kosher] diet attached a hard-boiled egg to documents sent by mail to U.S. District Court Judge James Muirhead.

"I do not like eggs in the file. I do not like them in any style. I will not take them fried or boiled. I will not take them poached or broiled. I will not take them soft or scrambled Despite an argument well-rambled," Muirhead wrote in his response to inmate Charles Wolffe.

Wolffe, 61, says he is an Orthodox Jew and has accused prison officials of refusing to feed him a kosher diet. He is seeking... proper foods and $10 million from the state. His case has been scheduled for a trial.

More discussion, plus the full text of Judge Muirhead's order, after the jump.

Remember Judge Herman Thomas, the Alabama state court judge who allegedly spanked a number of prisoners? Now there's a theme song for the scandal, entitled "Spank Me." Check it out here.

The creator and artist, Jolene Roxbury, is a former paralegal who decided several years ago that comedy was her true calling. You can learn more about her over at her website. Nice work, Jolene!

Jolene Roxbury: Certified Verbal Conversationalist

Earlier: Judge of the Day: Herman Thomas

Mobile County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas is ATL's Judge of the Day. He takes the prize for his innovative approach to sentencing. From the Mobile Press-Register:

Authorities are investigating allegations that now-suspended Mobile County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas periodically removed prisoners from Mobile County Metro Jail and spanked them in a room at the courthouse, according to courthouse sources involved in the inquiry.

Once inside the room, according to the sources, the judge would ask the young men to drop their pants and prepare to be spanked with what they described as a wooden or fraternity-like paddle.

To quote ex-inmate Paris Hilton, "That's hot." We agree with these commenters:

"[I]n San Francisco we have lots of people who pay $200 a session for that kind of treatment. Perhaps this judge has a bright future in Bay Area."

"That's some kinky place. I think Senator Larry Craig would like to break INTO that prison!"

More details -- including a description of the secret six-by-eight room that allegedly served as the judge's S-and-M dungeon -- are available here.

Authorities investigating paddling allegations against Judge Thomas [Mobile Press-Register]
Judge Accused Of Paddling Inmates [WKRG.com]

A relationship between a prisoner -- falsely accused, natch -- and a compassionate woman on the outside, crusading for his release. What could be more romantic?

Well, if the woman happens to be a court clerk, with responsibility for handling prisoner filings, the situation goes from romantic to problematic. From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

A deputy clerk at the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco has been fired after striking up a romantic relationship with - and trying to help win the release of - a Washington man serving life in federal prison, court documents show.

Jane Cross, 57, came under scrutiny in June, after she filed a Washington State Bar Association complaint against Kurt Hermanns, an assistant U.S. attorney in Tacoma who handled the prosecution of William G. Moore on methamphetamine and other charges in the mid-1990s. She was placed on leave and subsequently fired last week.

In the immortal words of Def Leppard: Love bites.

More after the jump.

Federal prisoner Jonathan Lee Riches, whose "$63,000,000,000.00 Billion dollar" lawsuit against Michael Vick was discussed in these pages last month, has a new celebrity athlete in his sights. From a tipster:

Got to think you've seen this by now: the guy suing Michael Vick for a bazillion dollars or whatever it is now realizes that the real culprit is Barry Bonds. See here.

Question: Where can we file amicus briefs on these?

More description of Riches's latest Complaint, alleging "Fraud Against Mankind" and "Batman and Identity Robbin," from the Smoking Gun:

Riches, who is doing a decade in prison for fraud, is at it again, this time filing a loony -- though quite funny -- complaint again Barry Bonds, baseball commissioner Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron's bat.

In his lawsuit, Riches weaves an intricate conspiracy theory involving television ratings, steroids, the cracking of the Liberty Bell, Colombian narco-terrorists, and secretly recorded conversations for which journalists Robert Novak and Judith Miller have transcripts.

Sounds like the plot to Syriana or Babel. Might Riches -- a/k/a "Secured Party" d/b/a "The White Suge Knight" -- have a future as a Hollywood screenwriter?

As it turns out, Jonathan Lee Riches is an old hand at crazy lawsuits -- a veritable pro at proceeding pro se. More after the jump.

Remember those dancing Filipino prisoners?

Well, these days Asia is abounding with new and interesting approaches to crime and punishment. From the AP:

Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late among other misdemeanors will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public....

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.

But Hello Kitty is eminently appealing. Could this strategy backfire? Might there be some police officers who will deliberately misbehave, to win the privilege of having that cute cat straddling their bicep?

P.S. Hello Kitty isn't our favorite Sanrio character. That honor goes to Pekkle the Duck. He's unspeakably adorable!

Bad Thai Cops to Endure Kitty Shame [Associated Press]

Earlier: Sentencing Reform: Dancing Will Set You Free

Here at Above the Law, we're committed to exploring the (sometimes harsh) realities of Biglaw life. One of those realities, of course, is timekeeping. That's when you sit down and realize that, despite spending twelve hours in the office, somehow you only got eight hours of work done (maybe 'cause you spent too much time reading Perez Hilton and gossiping with your officemate about Project Runway).

Anyway, one curious reader emailed us:

Just wanted to see if there was any interest in seeing what large firms across the country's policies were for timekeeping (daily, weekly, monthly) and what the penalties were for falling behind. I had heard that one firm withholds paychecks after enough time.

Funny you should ask! A second reader sent us this tip:

The abysmal associate morale at Fried Frank will not be improved by a new mandate to close out all time in full by the next business day or face sanctions.

Wow, that's a harsh policy -- but it's true.

Check out the memo, and discuss your own firm's policies on entering your hours, after the jump.

We're guessing you've all seen this video of 1,500 Filipino prisoners dancing to Michael Jackson's "Thriller." It has been discussed all over the blogosphere and MSM. E.g, Gawker; Concurring Opinions; Times of London.

(We're just surprised that sentencing guru Doug Berman -- who, by the way, moderated a great panel on the federal sentencing guidelines at the recent ACS convention we attended (and will write about later) -- hasn't weighed in on this innovative approach to criminal punishment.)

In case you haven't seen it, here's the clip:

Pretty cool, eh? Professor Charles Nesson of Harvard Law School quipped, "I want to meet the warden."

Well, Professor Nesson, we can help. As it turns out, Byron Garcia -- the prison official who came up with this idea, and uploaded the video clip to YouTube -- is our uncle!

You can read our correspondence with Tito Byron, after the jump.

* When the music stopped, Craig Morford, interim U.S. attorney in Nashville, was left standing. So now Morford must fill Paul McNulty's uncomfortable shoes as Deputy Attorney General -- after several others apparently passed on the job. [Washington Post; New York Times]

* New Jersey lawyer Shalom Stone may need to be as charming as Shalom Harlow to win confirmation to the Third Circuit. [The Hill (ATL shout-out!) via How Appealing]

* Dow Jones director David Li could be in trouble with the SEC. Oh Wells. [DealBreaker]

* Go shorty. [MSNBC]

Well, that was fast.

Smile, Scooter! President George W. Bush has just commuted your sentence!

The President wiped away Libby's prison term, but the $250,000 fine will stand.

Here's the grant of executive clemency and the President's statement, which reads in part:

I respect the jury's verdict. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby's sentence that required him to spend thirty months in prison.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Libby. The reputation he gained through his years of public service and professional work in the legal community is forever damaged. His wife and young children have also suffered immensely. He will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long-lasting.

The Constitution gives the President the power of clemency to be used when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that a commutation of the prison term in Mr. Libby's case is an appropriate exercise of this power.

Is Lady Justice weeping, or doing the wave? Here's an open thread for comment and debate.

All eyes turn toward President George W. Bush today, as a three-judge panel of the DC Circuit (Sentelle, Henderson, and Tatel) denied Scooter Libby's request to stay out of an orange jumpsuit while he appeals his conviction for perjury and obstruction of justice.

Today's decision further increases pressure on President Bush to pardon or commute the sentence of the 56-year-old lawyer who was Cheney's right-hand man and an architect of the administration's national security policies. The White House repeatedly has said that Bush is not intervening in the case, at least not yet, but many conservatives have been urging Bush to grant Libby some form of reprieve.

We're sure it's occurred to the White House that there's a major holiday coming up. Whatever Bush decides to do, he should announce it tomorrow around 5:00 pm. That way it'll be old news by the time Chuck Schumer pops up on Meet the Press this weekend.

From The BLT, shortly before 2:00 p.m.:

From Emma Schwartz, inside the courtroom:

Scooter Libby’s stable of legal thoroughbreds failed him. Moments ago Judge Reggie Walton ruled that Libby does not get bail pending appeal. It’s jail time.

Update / clarification: Libby wasn't taken into custody today. It will take at least six to eight weeks for the Bureau of Prisons to determine where Libby will be imprisoned and to set a reporting date for him to show up to prison.

No. Bail. [The BLT: The Blog of the Legal Times]
Judge Won't Delay Libby Prison Term [Associated Press via Washington Post]

And he's coming out on top, you know you've hit rock bottom. From TMZ.com:

We now have quantifiable proof that it's better to be O.J. Simpson than Paris Hilton. What is wrong with the world?

You can now buy t-shirts that read "L.A. Court Scorecard: O.J. 1, Paris 0" from the Cafepress.com website. Some might call it ironic that O.J. got away with murder, while Paris is serving time for driving when she wasn't supposed to.

You can purchase merchandise featuring the graphic at right by clicking here.

Paris Hilton, O.J. [CafePress.com]
It's Good to Be O.J., Sucks to Be Paris [TMZ.com]

So what's the latest news about our favorite celebrity heiress? We're guessing you're already familiar with the story about how she "was so terrified guards would snap a cell-phone picture of her on the toilet that she didn't eat or drink for three days."

The most recent update comes from the AP:

The parents of Paris Hilton didn't have to wait long to visit their daughter Tuesday, raising more questions of whether the hotel heiress was receiving special treatment. The Hiltons breezed past some waiting in line for hours to see loved ones....

The visit angered some others who were waiting to see inmates. Shatani Alverson, 23, said she was hustled out of the visiting room at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility moments after her husband walked in because of the Hiltons. She was told to come back after lunch.

We're guessing Paris was unsympathetic to the complaints of the little people. We can just imagine her saying, while gesturing grandly towards the vending machines, "Let them eat Tastykake."

P.S. In case you're curious, the final (and unsurprising) results of our Paris Hilton poll appear after the jump.

Hilton's Parents Visit, Breeze Past Line [Associated Press]
Poo-hoo, she isn't life of the potty [New York Daily News]

A friend of Paris Hilton, who saw the hotel heiress during her all-too-brief house arrest, had this to say about how Hilton was treated in jail:

“It’s so cruel what has happened to her. She wasn’t allowed to wax or use a moisturiser. Her skin is so dry right now.”

Judge Michael Sauer: Have you no sense of [evolving standards of] decency?

Paris banged up ... again [The Sun - UK]
Roper v. Simmons [Legal Information Institute / Cornell Law School]
U.S. Constitution: Eighth Amendment [FindLaw]

Apparently Judge Michael Sauer agreed with the 60 percent of ATL readers who viewed her release from prison as "a miscarriage of justice." From TMZ.com, the authoritative source for all things Paris:

Paris Hilton was just ordered back to jail in Lynwood to serve out the remainder of her sentence! She'll get credit for 5 days already served.

Hilton left the courtoom in tears, screaming, "Mom, Mom, Mom."

One witness described the scene as: Paris was "physically escorted" out of the courtroom by a female deputy.

Hilton's mother was later seen pacing the hallways, telling reporters, "I'm paralyzed right now." Paris' father Rick is still in the courtroom.

From the Los Angeles Times:

Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer made his ruling after a hearing that followed a tumultuous sequence in which Hilton was brought to court in a sheriff's patrol car. Earlier, it seemed that she would only attend the hearing via telephone.

"The defendant is remanded to L.A. County jail," Sauer said after an hourlong hearing. "The order is final and forthwith."

Wearing a beige zippered sweater, Hilton crumpled into tears.

You go, girl -- right back to the slammer. As for the anal herpes, good luck with that.

Hilton Ordered Back to Jail! [TMZ.com]
A crying Hilton is sent back to jail [Los Angeles Times]
Screaming Paris Hilton Sent Back to Jail [Associated Press via Washington Post]

Earlier: Paris Hilton's Jail Break: What Do You Think?

If you've been away from the news cycle today, read our two prior posts.

If you're up to speed on this story, go ahead and vote: