Politics

How To Enforce North Carolina's Bathroom Law

Time to brainstorm for your transphobic laws!

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bathroom signNorth Carolina’s effort to make bathrooms “safe” from the scourge of nothing may earn the state a federal beatdown, but even taking the law as is for a moment, it raises some fascinating enforcement questions. The police say they’re stumped on what to do, though some peace officers have already started kicking cis women out of the women’s room because why not?

The other day, a friend of mine suggested bathroom marshals to provide the sort of faux sense of security that air marshals supposedly offer assuming there’s ever one of them on your plane. Apparently the folks at Funny or Die had the same idea.

Still no less creepy than a bathroom attendant handing you candy. And you don’t have to tip the bathroom cop.

But the best answer to the enforcement question is this patent application for a genital-operated bathroom locking mechanism.

The lock can be programmed so that repeated, rhythmic contact with the sensors is required in order to disengage the locking mechanism. This would be accomplished by the human male repeatedly thrusting his erect penis into the bathroom door in order to repeatedly make contact with the required sensors in a “tap code” fashion, with the rhythm of the thrusts dictated through a flashing light on the door.

Protect your kids from bathroom “indecency” by installing a glory hole. Well played.

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I, for one, respect the vision of HB2. After all, they’ve managed to get Bryan Adams to leave the people of North Carolina alone, and isn’t that worth trampling on some human rights for the greater good?

Patent Application For A Genital-Operated Bathroom Door Locking Mechanism To Help Protect Children [McSweeney’s]

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