Labor / Employment, On The Job

10 Commandments On How Not To Make Partner In Biglaw

It’s easier not to make partner than it is to make partner, and with these 10 easy tips, it's (almost) guaranteed that you won’t make it!

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Let’s face it: everyone who goes to law school — just everyone — longs to land a job in Biglaw, right?

You passed through law school, the first phase of the law-hazing process, and passed the demanding entrance exam to become … a lawyer! And now, Biglaw!

As I noted here some time ago about Biglaw:

Besides the money, you will learn every possible way of carrying voluminous litigation files up and down courthouse stairs, and reviewing millions of documents — useful skills if you later want to become a paralegal. And maybe — just maybe — by your fifth or sixth year you will be permitted a front row seat at a real trial!

And if you’re really lucky, maybe after you become a partner, you will be allowed to second seat a trial! (You gotta be a partner first — sorry, you 90 percent who will never make it.)

Did I forget to mention the money?

Great pay — if you have the time to spend it, and don’t try to compute your income on a per hour basis, which would be too depressing (what is the current minimum wage, anyway?).

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Great working conditions — heat in the winter and air in the summer, your own chair and desk (an office, maybe, after four or five years!), and even a car home after midnight!

And no worries about having to rent or live in an expensive apartment — there’s really no need! Since you will spend only about five hours a day there, just rent the use of a cot in a time share communal arrangement. You might even be able to pay off your law school loans within your lifetime!

But seriously — if you survive the life to get within striking distance of — dare I say — partnership!!! — what any sane person around yearns for, you should be prepared for that final push; that last gun lap; that final hundred yards into the “death zone” of Everest; that last bit of selfless obsequiousness which would make a beet turn red.

What to do? What not to do?

Well, the good news is that it’s easier not to make partner than it is to make partner! And with these 10 easy tips I will (almost) guarantee that you won’t make it!

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Let’s begin:

  1. Be a woman, or a member of a minority group. Yes, it’s that easy! Despite numerous surveys over decades, sworn oaths by Biglaw managing partners to increase diversity, and mandatory weekly kumbaya sessions, the sad truth is that Biglaw is still a white man’s game.
  2. Work less than 2300 hours per year. The exact number of hours is a judgment call. Some firms require more, some less. But whatever they require, if you bill less than 150% of the number, forget about partnership. This commandment should be etched in stone: the next six are simply corollaries.
  3. Resist working 100 days straight, without a break. In fact, a better idea is to resist virtually anything inhuman that you are asked to do — why limit it to consecutive number of days worked? If you show even a hint of resistance you’re a shoo in not to make partner.
  4. Be unavailable on a holiday, religious or otherwise. That’s right — be faithful to your religious beliefs at the expense of a partner’s whim or caprice. Celebrate a religious holiday or your child’s birth and ignore the random midnight request to alphabetize all of the statutes of your state by the last name of the legislation’s sponsor.
  5. Make your family a priority — works comes second.   This is, of course, related to number 4, supra, but the difference is your attitude. Even if you jump through every hoop and obey every command, if you even hint that your family comes first — forget it! See, e.g., number 3, supra.
  6. Call in sick when you your appendix bursts. Related to number 4 and 5, supra, in that you are demonstrating that (a) you are unavailable, and (b) you are selfishly thinking of yourself first.
  7. Tell the boss that you’re exhausted and need an hour off or ask to take a couple days off sometime within the next year.  After reading the tips above, this needs no further explanation. However, you may email me with any questions or clarifications — I’ve been there.
  8. Appear as if you have not slept last night at the office. That is, wear a fresh set of clothes every day, look chipper and well-rested, or otherwise don’t look like you’ve slept under your desk for three days. This is key — be disheveled, but carefully put-together disheveled.
  9. When a client tells you in front of the partner that you did a great job, take the credit and say thanks before the partner (who knows nothing about the task) can steal the credit. Also self-explanatory.
  10. Complain or inquire when the partner steals your billable hours. A partner stealing your billable hours when s/he is on vacation for two weeks and has not billed any time at all may not seem like a common practice and maybe it isn’t, but I’ve heard the woeful stories more than once. Complain about this improper practice or otherwise ask why it is happening — you can then kiss partnership goodbye!

Takeaway

Yes, it is far easier not to make partner – it’s really just a matter of being yourself! But despite all of your efforts, if you do make partner, you at least have the satisfaction and comfort of knowing that, at the end of the day, all of your loyalty and backbreaking work will be matched by the firm’s loyalty to you!

richard-b-cohenRichard B. Cohen has litigated and arbitrated complex business and employment disputes for almost 40 years, and is a partner in the NYC office of the national “cloud” law firm FisherBroyles. He is the creator and author of his firm’s Employment Discrimination blog, and received an award from the American Bar Association for his blog posts. You can reach him at [email protected] and follow him on Twitter at @richard09535496.

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