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We Can't Let 'Pawternity Leave' Become A Thing

In my day, we used to walk our dogs uphill, both ways.

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I get it. I spend enough time around childless people with fabulous disposable income. I know what they bitch about when “breeders” aren’t around. I know that some of them feel unfairly treated when parents “get to” miss work or leave early because of their children. From their perspective, what with their lives solely focused on what’s good for them, parents who have hard outs from work because they have to go home and take care of their kids irks them.

“They chose to have that kid. If only I had some excuse to leave work at the close of business hours.”

Normally, I am content to leave these genetic dead ends to their own devices. Most of them will enjoy the horrors of parenting soon enough. And the ones who don’t will live long enough to experience the abject loneliness of an old age comforted only by their professional successes and sound retirement planning.

Unfortunately, Texas Lawyer has a “trend” piece up that desperately needs to get off my lawn.

Pawternity Leave: Are Employers Barking Up the Wrong Tree With Pet-Based Leave?

No. Nooooo. The line must be drawn HERE. This far, AND NO FURTHER.

Look, I’m a pet owner. I’ve been coming into work late every few Wednesdays for months now to take her to doggy chemo, and I’m thankful my company and colleagues can accommodate me. When she inevitably passes, I’m gonna need a day.

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But my company already has something to deal with that, something that does not require promulgating an entire pet-leave policy. It’s called: A PERSONAL DAY. When my dog dies, I will take a freaking personal day, RUB SOME DIRT ON IT, and come back to work the next day.

I would not insult my colleagues — colleagues who have dealt with the HUMAN DEATH in their families — by asking for freaking BEREAVEMENT LEAVE for my pet. Christ on a bone.

Part of my objection to pet leave is that it actually infantilizes employees, under the guise of being “worker friendly.” If you are a grown-ass adult, you shouldn’t have to memorialize every freaking moment you are not at the office. If you need a day, take a day. As an adult, you can be trusted that you have some plan for making sure all of your essential functions are either covered or will be completed in a timely fashion.

If you are a good employee, it’ll all even out. If you are a sh***y employee, no amount of “I took two weeks of pawternity leave” is going to hide the fact that you bailed on your company right when something important was due.

You know who took my dog to chemo the Wednesday during the Kavanaugh hearings? Nobody! I rescheduled it. Because I kind of needed to work that day.

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If you are going to allow for pet leave, you had better do it like Susman Godfrey.

Susman allows for unlimited vacation. Unlimited. Because Susman treats people like adults. Texas Lawyer reached out to Susman to see if associates could use the unlimited leave for pets, and Susman was like “sure.”

Neal Manne, a managing partner of the Houston-based firm, said that as soon as he read a commentary about the pawternity leave trend in Texas Lawyer on Monday, it was clear to him that the firm already provides that benefit under the firm’s unlimited vacation policy for associates.
“We have an unlimited paid vacation leave—as much as anybody wants. It’s a vacation policy; It’s a pawternity policy; it’s an I-want-to-go-to-the-beach policy,” Manne said.

That just makes sense. It’s not about giving people a cheap excuse to get out of work, it’s about empowering people to handle their lives.

You don’t need a pet leave policy. You need to employ adults and treat them as such.

Pawternity Leave: Are Employers Barking Up the Wrong Tree With Pet-Based Leave? [Texas Lawyer]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

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