As the government shutdown rolls into the new year with little to suggest that it will end soon, the Office of Personnel Management has some helpful advice for all those government workers who will be without a paycheck to cover their rent. Obviously, as Republican lawmakers have told us, no one working for the government is really living paycheck to paycheck and most government workers will spend the shutdown blissfully sitting around the fire at their chalet in the Alps, but in case there are one or two federal government attorneys out there who’ve been irresponsible with their money and need help to cover rent, the OPM has you covered.
The agency sent federal employees some sample letters that the furloughed can send to their landlords offering to exchange rent payments for routine maintenance work. That sounds made up, but I assure you it is not. From an actual letter sent by the actual United States government:
As we had agreed in our conversation, I will be able to make regular payments in the amount of $_______. I realize that I will be responsible to pay the remainder of the payments and, when I return to work, I will contact you immediately to work out plan to take care of the reduced payments. I will keep in touch with you to keep you informed about my income status and I would like to discuss with you the possibility of trading my services to perform maintenance (e.g. painting, carpentry work) in exchange for partial rent payments.
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Yes, the Trump administration offers a hearty “let them eat lead paint” response to all the workers on the streets over his commitment to rebuilding the Maginot Line along the Rio Grande. It may seem downright insane, but you do have to applaud the administration for its restraint because you know there was at least one draft with “sexual favors.” As is, that’s just implied.
As many attorneys in federal employ may need a refresher on some of the home repair tricks they’ll need to really crush it as indentured servants, we’ve compiled a few pointers.
This is a “hammer.” Despite the name, it is not meant to ham things. Rather, this handy item can drive “nails” into “wood.” If your landlord asks you to, for instance, hang a painting, put up sheetrock, build a bookcase, or take care of that deadbeat from Interior in #3A and make it look like an accident, a hammer is your best bet.
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This item is a screwdriver and it’s named after the famous vodka and orange juice drink because the handle is sometimes orange. The more you know! This can “screw” in objects known as “screws.” Screwdrivers usually boast either a flat blade or a “phillips head” which is that crosshead kind.
This is obviously a wrench, something you remember from when you tried to assemble that IKEA table and then gave up and hired someone else to do it. What you may not know is that these can be purchased outside of a set for which they are custom designed. If handed one of these tools, go ahead and assume they want you to start loosening plumbing fixtures. You’ll be just like Mario!
We hope these tips can help you weather this shutdown. And if you find yourself making some maintenance mistakes, don’t give up hope! The internet is full of helpful videos that can walk you through doing the job right.
And yes, now we’re talking about sexual favors.
(Full dumbfounding letter on the next page.)
Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.