Finance

Dear Wall Street, Steve Mnuchin Is Not Your Boyfriend

Even Wall Street does not deserve to be treated like this.

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At the risk of being a little too technical and wonky, the market is getting curbstomped today as the reality of an inevitable trade war with China finally grips the darkest recess of Wall Street’s consciousness.

With less than an hour to go, the major indices are in deep red, almost purple. And President Trump’s favorite barometer of self-worth — the Dow Jones Industrial Average — is down about 550 points with less than two hours to go on the day. At one point, it was down about 750 points. It’s the worst day investors have seen in awhile on the heels of the worst week that investors have seen in a while.

But it’s more of a cleansing slaughter if we’re honest. This stalemate with China has seemed like the most probable outcome for months now despite the Trump administration using every available medium of communication to convince Americans and the markets that a deal was almost completely totally done. And, for some inconceivable reason, the markets bought every line of bullsh!t that Trump and his people shoveled their in their direction. Traders allowed every vague Trump tweet and obviously untrue Larry Kudlow whiny TV lecture to become a market event, setting the floor for a big bounce.

But today seemed like the day that Wall Street realized China is not in thrall to The Donald, and decided to get short on itself. And then this happened.

That’s Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin muttering something to CNBC about the possibility of a deal with China being maybe a thing that might exist soon and sharing his assumption that China will still buy U.S .debt. As a video clip, it is chock-full of the kind of mouth-breathing cadaverous charisma that we have come to expect from The Mnooks, and the substance of what he had to say is about as thick as a plot summary of a “Real Housewives” episode. Basically, this is a whole lotta droopy-lipped nothing.

And yet, look at this:

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That’s the market getting genuinely bullish in response to that clip.

Listen, we get that toxic relationships work in cycles, buoyed along by habitual co-dependent behaviors, but this is ridiculous. Sure, Steve Mnuchin is the actual Treasury Secretary, but he’s also actually Steve Mnuchin. He’s lying to Wall Street, because that’s who he is.

Steve Mnuchin is not Wall Street’s boyfriend. He’s a guy that will tell it whatever it needs to hear so that he can hit it and quit it. The kind of guy who texts “You up?” when he knows damn well that Wall Street is up, and freaking out about China. Steve Mnuchin is not Wall Street’s man. Steve Mnuchin is Wall Street’s f**kboi.

Instead of acting like the rational mechanism through which capital flows, Wall Street is acting like a desperate single mom who thinks she’s having a love affair with a flashy local businessman, even though he’s married… and clearly a sociopath. No matter how many times he or his slimy friends tell Wall Street that he’s about to finally leave his wife, we all know he ain’t leaving that wife. Wall Street is worthy of love. And this? This is not love.

That said, we predict that indices are back in the green tomorrow morning after Trump and Mnuchin use their lack of charm to make Wall Street believe what it wants to believe. Guess who ends up crying on the kitchen floor apologizing to their kids in this scenario.

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