Law Schools

Your Law School/University Syllabus

LawProfBlawg envisions the future of education with this satirical syllabus. 

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Back to School. Male teacher in a classroom standing near chalk board.SAMPLE SYLLABUS 2023

UNIVERSITY COUNSEL TEMPLATE

TEXAS/FLORIDA/WEST VIRGINIA UNIFORM VERSION 1.2

Professor: [TBD Depending on Mass Exodus]

Office: [Give coffee shop location if adjunct]

Phone: [Use your cell phone — office phones are gone per last budget cuts]

Office Hours: [Indicate times you’ll be in your office. Don’t forget to pay for your parking permit! Make sure you’re in your office on three separate days so it’s not economical to do meter parking.]

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INTRODUCTION

[Avoid woke language like “justice” “fairness” “woke” “Critical Race Theory” “Feminism” or “history.” If you teach Criminal Justice, we suggest changing your course title to “Them Thugs.” If you teach “History” (in quotes because it’s relative, right?), in Civil War era, we suggest your course title be “The Benefits of Slavery to Slaves” or something that will not irritate the white men in power in our state. If you teach Women’s Studies, consider changing your course title to “Home Economics.” Avoid controversial takes like “Holocaust.”

By avoiding use of woke language that signals some sort of brainwashing of students, we can assure that students will only experience state-approved thoughts.]

COURSE DESCRIPTION AND REQUIREMENTS

Required Texts

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Do not require any textbooks. There is a risk that if a student reads something they will complain to their mom and dad who will complain to the lieutenant governor! Be selective. Read excerpts TO the class. We suggest using a sock puppet to minimize the risk that students will take offense. Some students have not read anything controversial before. Be sure to not cause them to do so now.

Do not even think about assigning your own text. We don’t care if your royalty check is $0.02. Consider using an open-source book from an approved conservative website or school. Besides, your book is likely going to be banned in the state soon anyway.

You may, of course, use the Bible for your evolution class.

Final Exam

Consider having a multiple-choice exam. Essay exams run the risk that you’ll be considered too woke if you give a conservative student a bad grade.  Make sure the multiple-choice questions are pulled from the Ron DeSantis/Dan Patrick test bank of acceptable questions.

Recording Of Class

You should allow students to record the class. Record it yourself. Also, provide students with the lieutenant governor’s email address should they have any complaints. This is for their convenience, so they do not have to do that research.  However, TikTok is banned as a gross invasion of privacy.

Do not say anything negative about the lieutenant governor. You might be tenured (we’re really not sure given recent legislation), but you’ll be fired regardless and, quite frankly, we can’t afford the settlement given state budget cuts.

Use Of AI

You should encourage use of AI. We do not want a situation where you flunk someone out because they used innovative techniques, perceived or real.  Moreover, we need the tuition money. Do you want layoffs?

Student Evaluations

Please remind students to fill out evaluations after the first week of class. By then, they should know whether you can teach and whether they will develop skills from your class that can guide them throughout the remainder of their lives. This will help us determine whether to fire you and not schedule you for the following semester, making administration’s job much easier.

Useful University Websites

Please include the following 12 pages of useful university websites. Of greatest importance is the link to the student handbook, where all these sites are detailed again.

Of course, we have links to student mental health resources, which we list in the middle of other links to things like our football team and restaurants. When people are in crisis, they need football.

We apologize for sending this mandatory language to you eight months after we first required your syllabus. Your syllabus is now in violation of university policy. Please correct ASAP.

The above was satire.

But sadly, not for long.

LawProfBlawg is an anonymous law professor. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on X/Twitter/whatever (@lawprofblawg). Email him at [email protected].

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