In-House Counsel

The Road Not Taken: Law Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

As a lawyer -- and particularly, for in-house lawyers -- how can we use apologies?

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So sorry“Never apologize, mister. It’s a sign of weakness.”  — John Wayne as Captain Nathan Brittles, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon

It feels good to be right. It feels better to be right all the time. It feels good to be strong and to know those around you know you are strong. The strong and righteous do not apologize.  At least, that’s the stereotype of apologies in the United States.

The spectrum of types and effectiveness of apologies is wide. We are all familiar with celebrity and political apologies that amount to nothing: “I’m sorry for those who were offended by my words.” We know the medical profession has been using apologies as a response to medical mistakes for years.  The former apology is an apology for nothing and the latter has shown to be useful in decreasing malpractice claims. As a lawyer — and particularly, for in-house lawyers — how can we use apologies?

When a lawyer works in-house, he is more likely to have close working relationships with colleagues who are not lawyers. These relationships may not always be akin to the client-counselor relationships that in-house lawyers are accustomed to fostering with non-lawyers because, as an in-house lawyer, you will have to see these people again and maintain congenial professional relationships. You may even need them more than they need you. You can’t go in, aggressively pursue your plan of action, then exit the battlefield victorious without further casualties. You may win the battle, but you’ll be on your own for the next fight and you’ll never get the reports from finance when you need them. A thoughtful and well-timed apology can soften the edges of a zealous advocate and bring those who haven’t had a career in confrontation over to your side.  

The difficulty with an apology, especially for professionals whose job is to not make mistakes (like lawyers), is that an apology implies that you made a mistake. And that’s on the individual level. There may also be times when, as a leader or a manager, you have to apologize for the behavior of others or your team’s mistake. When you apologize for your team, you are implicitly declaring that your team erred. As their leader, you are supposed to put them in a position to succeed and defend them if they don’t. If you are issuing an apology on behalf of your team, then you have failed in some way as a leader.  

Done improperly, at the wrong time, or for the wrong intentions, an apology can backfire for many reasons. It can erode the apology-maker’s credibility, it can highlight mistakes others would have never known actually happened, or it can be dismissed as insincere and seen as condescending. Despite its drawbacks, the apology is valuable. An apology can ease tensions. An apology can de-escalate conflicts. An apology can build connections between people.

John Wayne (as Captain Brittles) wasn’t completely wrong when he told his young subordinate never to apologize. Apologies aren’t always a sign of weakness, but too many apologies may signal weakness, or at least, a lack of confidence in your performance or behavior. If you haven’t done anything that doesn’t merit an apology, don’t be so quick to be the one to try to smooth things over. Except “apologize when necessary or appropriate and make sure it means something when you do,” while the more accurate statement, doesn’t have the same allure as John Wayne’s original.

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Celeste Harrison Forst has practiced in small and mid-sized firms and is now in-house at a large manufacturing and technology company where she receives daily hugs from her colleagues. You can reach Celeste directly at [email protected].

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