Bad Ideas, Biglaw, Gay

How Not To Come Out to the Partners At Your Firm

crooked teeth.jpgThe anecdote we’re about to share with you is on the vulgar side. So if you’d rather not be exposed to such crudeness, just skip this post. (Mom and Dad, this means you.)
We heard this story recently over drinks — but we have the permission of the storyteller to publish it. So if you ever hang out with us, you need not fear that what you tell us will appear in these pages. Our default rule is that social conversations are “off the record.” If we’re in a social setting and hear something juicy we want to publish, we always ask our source for permission first.
In contrast, as we’ve previously stated, emails you send us are presumptively usable for blogging purposes. We’ll just keep you anonymous as our source (unless you ask to be identified).
Although this story may seem outrageous to you, it is NOT an urban legend. We actually did some fact-checking — just like real journalists — and verified the accuracy of this account with one of the participants.
If you have tender sensibilities, stop reading here. But if you’re willing to read a rather rude but entertaining story, then click ahead to the jump page.

Associate X works in the D.C. office of a national law firm. He happens to be gay, but doesn’t carry himself in a stereotypically “gay” manner. As a result, many people — including the partners he works with — simply assume that he’s straight. Some gay people are flattered when people think they’re heterosexual, but Associate X finds it frustrating, almost insulting.
One evening, Associate X, some of his friends and fellow associates, and two relatively junior, male partners attend a hockey game. After the game, they adjourn to a bar down the street from the MCI Center. There’s drinking, and more drinking. Associate X gets very drunk — as does everyone else in the group.
At one point, one of the two partners starts teasing Associate X for having supposedly crooked teeth. For a while, Associate X endures the ribbing — after all, it’s a partner doing the talking.
But the partner — also quite tipsy — just keeps on going. He won’t let up on the “crooked teeth” jokes, even after it becomes clear that Associate X is getting upset.
Finally, after the umpteenth “crooked teeth” joke, Associate X explodes. He looks directly at the offending partner and says: “How would you like to feel these teeth scraping across your cock?”
At that point, Associate X — realizing belatedly what just came out of his mouth — excuses himself and runs off to the men’s room (presumably to hide for the rest of his natural life). His friends are left to tell the shocked partners that Associate X is gay, and to explain and apologize on his behalf.
Thankfully, the partners are okay with the whole situation. They understand that Associate X had too much to drink, got upset from the incessant teasing, and had an outburst in a moment of frustration.
The next day, one of the partners drops by Associate X’s office: “Last night sure was interesting, wasn’t it?”
You can say that again…

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