Pls Hndle Thx: Four Minutes to Save the World

[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

ATL –

I’m a 2L at a T25 school and I have one callback interview. My grades are average. Do you have any tips on how to nail the interview?

Nervous Nelly

Dear Nervous Nelly –

Firm interviews are congeniality contests; you wouldn’t be called back unless the firm already saw your grades and decided they could live with them. Since the job is yours to lose, here are a few tips on how to turn on the charm:

1. Appearance. Don’t even think about wearing that Armani Alfani suit with those Kenneth Crap patent leather squared toed monstrosities. Ladies, save that yellow “statement” brocade suit for when you apply to be a Versailles courtier. If your roots are showing, dye them; if you’re too fat for your suit, wrap yourself in cellophane and hit the gym. Interviewers want colleagues that they can potentially date or set up with friends, not co-workers who rummage for treasure at Filene’s Basement. At least have the decency to stick some red tape to the back of your shoes.

2. Tackling Corny Questions. Most interviews involve ridiculous questions like, “Why did you decide to go to law school?” and my personal favorite, “What’s your greatest weakness?” Frankly, nobody wants to hear some garbage about how law is your “passion” or how your mother read Emanuel outlines aloud to you as a baby. Winning responses are ones that the interviewer can actually relate to, like “I actually was forced into going to law school by my parents, but it turned out to be a good fit.” During OCI, a partner asked me what my favorite TV show was, and my answer – Cribs – cracked her up and scored me a callback. Working at a firm is objectively depressing, so bring some laughter to their weary world.

3. Reverse Psychology. Studies have shown that interviews where the interviewer hogs the time are rated very positively by the interviewer, so put on your complimenting hat and sally forth. A good launching point is any framed pictures of hideous children or fat spouses. If the interviewer drops the word “fiancé” in conversation, you’ve struck gold because engaged people are always eager to brag about their impending wedding. The more time the interviewer spends talking about him or herself, the less time there is for corny questions (see #2).

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As unhelpful as this sounds, you might also want to, er, RELAX and attempt to be yourself on the interview. Sweating profusely and providing canned answers to questions only makes you look desperate. Not having a firm job may seem like Armageddon, but trust me, it’s not. It just might be the beginning of something great.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie’s take after the jump.

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It’s getting hot in here,

so take off all your clothes,

Okay, that might not work either.

But the worst thing you can do is to apply the same strategy to each person you sit with during a call back. You must listen to and learn about your audience, in as short a time as possible. The guy’s not looking at you? What is he looking at? Talk about that. A partner is loud and obnoxious? Lean forward and engage. Are there fifteen pictures of snot-nosed urchins strewn all over the desk? This is your opportunity to talk about “lifestyle” and how that interviewer handles the work-life balancing act. If you go in there with a set agenda they will toy with you and turn to stone, Hannibal Lecter.

You’re not the Quarterback of the callback. You’re the linebacker. Read and React. Let the paramedics sort them out. That’s the best program.

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again,

Elie

Um, this isn’t the I Love Lucy mirror gag episode and Nervous Nelly won’t be judged on how well he or she imitates the interviewer. Frankly, if someone tried to shadow my mannerisms or personality during an interview, I’d press the panic button under my desk and act casual. While of course one has to size up one’s audience, being yourself is always preferable to ripping off the interviewer’s face and assuming his identity.

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