Pls Hndle Thx: The Other Voire Dire

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ATL,

I am a newly minted federal law clerk stuck in a small city where I don’t know anyone. The 12 hour work days I have been recently putting in have made meeting new people rather difficult. During a recent jury selection, I noticed a rather attractive member of the jury venire. Said juror’s questionnaire just happened to be at the top of the stack on my desk. A quick glance showed that the potential juror was: single, my age, and lived nearby. The questionnaire also contained both a phone number and email address. So my question is, can I take the number off the questionnaire and give the juror a call?

Confused in Chambers

Dear Confused in Chambers,

I (luckily) don’t have access to Westlaw/Lexis anymore, so I can’t see if there are any ethical guidelines governing your predicament, but last time I checked, ignorance of the law was a pretty solid excuse. Personally, I can tell you that every unattached woman I know rolls up to ABA CLEs, Legal Aid Society fundraisers and jury duty with one intention, and one intention only: BAG A MAN. The law might “require” “jury service” but the nowhere is it written that makeup and Spanx are mandatory. If girlfriend was looking good enough for you to notice, she probably didn’t roll out of bed looking that way. The lady’s on the prowl, so take the hint and start looking for places with dim lighting.

That being said, I can see how it might be HIGHLY ALARMING for a woman to receive an email from a court official stating that while she thought was performing her civic duty, little did she know that another, more dastardly kind of “venire” was going on (elbow-elbow-wink-wink). You’d have to use the old “I never do this, but” line and carefully explain that her incredible beauty was so overpowering that you were compelled to subvert the mantle of your authority, use privileged information for personal purposes and put your job on the line just to see if maybe she wanted to grab a drink or get tapas. Her reaction to your email – flattery or restraining order – will mostly depend on whether she found YOU attractive. So if you’re a fat slob, you might want to think twice.

Some of the greatest love stories of our time are the product of ethically dubious liaisons. John McCain left his newly-crippled wife who had tirelessly sought his release as a POW and cared for their three children for Cindy’s money. And relationships with associates are practically a requirement for equity partnership at firms. Given your schedule, this juror might be your last chance to meet someone in real life and not Second Life. Worst case scenario, even if she files for a restraining order, you already have an in at the court.

Your friend,

Sponsored

Marin

Elie’s response after the jump.

Don’t be so literal. I don’t think that this lonely lover is going to cold call this girl and say “Hello, I pulled this number off your jury duty form. You’re hot. Wanna sit on my face?”

I think that this guy could be far more subtle and creative than just cold-calling. It wouldn’t take much to organize an “accidental” meeting somewhere. Or he could call her because there was some “problem” with her form, start a conversation. Remember, chance meetings and random conversations are how people used to get laid before Match.com was invented.

Of course, if the judge finds out, you’ll be fired. But if you are that hard up for interpersonal companionship maybe clerking wasn’t the right choice for you anyway.

Respectfully,

The Drunk Guy you know you want to listen to.

“‘Wanna sit on my face?'” Um, GROSS. Check please.

Sponsored

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