Associate Advice, pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: The Fugitive?

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL,
I am a first year associate in a small/mid-sized firm. I graduated during during the height of the recession, so it took me many months to find this job. I have been working there for about three months (and I hate it).
Recently, I have noticed oppressive and harassing behavior in the workplace by the senior/managing partners. In addition, I have a strong suspicion of unethical practices occurring in the firm, but I do have not have clear evidence to confirm my suspicions. I have a strong inclination to leave the firm for these reasons.
However, if I leave, I am stuck as to how I will answer if asked why I left after just three months. Moreover, trying to find another job in the current economy in California is difficult. I’m afraid if I disclose the real reason I left, I may be saying untrue things about the firm, and/or be viewed as a whistleblower or someone who cannot be trusted. Any other answers will surely raise eyebrows as to my commitment considering the short time period spent at the current firm.
Advice?
Give a Little Whistle

Give a Little Whistle,
I was sitting at home watching Cake Boss when my phone rang. It was Lat. He asked me what I was doing and I said, “Watching Cake Boss, this show is actually not that bad.” He then reminded me that I had a Pls Hndle Thx due the next day and when I said that I didn’t have any witty responses to the question posed above, he ordered me to – you guessed it – write a poem.
“It doesn’t have to rhyme,” he said, to which I responded, “Actually, last time I checked, ALL poems had to rhyme,” and he immediately conceded this point. So without further ado, I present to you, “Ratting on Your Firm on a Snowy Evening.”
Marin’s Poem and Elie’s Susan Boyle impersonation after the jump.

Ratting on Your Firm on a Snowy Evening
by Marin
Is your firm shady? You do not know
Your hate your supervising partner, though
He doesn’t know you’ve emailed us
To ask us if you should stay or go
Three choices you have, they’re not the best
I’ve thought them through, one’s passed the test
Have you seen Dance Your Ass Off?
It’s obese people dancing, but I digress
Option one says that you quit
Gab about your experience and start talking shit
Employers will not believe you at all
Unless you file a disciplinary report on it
Quitting with no explanation is also not ideal
Firms will assume you’ve botched a deal
You’ll be out of work, homeless and broke
But food stamps will buy you a delicious meal
If you stay and say nothing, you’re an ethical lightweight
Watching as your firm veers toward Dreier LLP fate
Technically you’re not violating the professional rules;
There is no duty to rat in California state – ZING
A fourth option, I must proffer
What if you stayed around and made them an offer?
You know all about their padded hours, their mixed accounts, their crimes of white collar
Why not casually mention your need for ten million dollars?
If I was you, I’d stay until concrete proof of malpractice amounts
Or at least until they wire the money to my checking account.

Elie’s response below.

You dreamed a dream in time gone by,
when hope was high and debts worth taking.
You dreamed Big Law would never die,
oh the cases you’d be making.
Then you were young and unafraid,
and dreams were made and used, and wasted.
You thought the ransom could be paid,
no collar un-popped, no lunch untasted.
But the bankers, come at night.
And you’ll get not help from Geithner.
Now you’re sexually harassed,
and you’ll learn to live, with sha–a–AA–AME!
You gave your summers to Biglaw.
You billed your days with endless hours.
It made you feel you had Prestige,
but it was gone when Lehman seized.
And still you dream you’ll get a job.
That yourJ.D. will be worth the paper.
But there are dreams that cannot be,
there are no uses for recruiters.
You had a dream your life would be,
so different from this hell you’re living.
Don’t tell me now, how you were robbed.
Looks like you’ll have to keep … this job.
Fantine.

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I think what you meant to say was, “If I speak, I am condemned; if I stay silent, I am damned. Did Jean Valjean choose correctly? 6,680 (original Broadway run) performances can’t be wrong.
Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

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