Law Schools, pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: Bitter Like Me

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL –
I’m a 1L at a T14 law school in the midwest. I did my undergrad at the same school, but took a year off before I matriculated to law school. Some of my college friends are now 2Ls. It’s only been a little bit of time since I came back, but over the past year it looks like my former easy-going friends have turned into complete assholes. They’ve become obsessed about the “status” of our school. They are constantly complaining about jobs and money. And they never want to do anything unless it has a direct benefit to their GPAs or their résumés.
How did this happen? Is it the economy, or does law school just do this to people? I don’t want to become like them. Is there any hope for me?
Lone Ranger

Dear Lone Ranger,
The bitter lawyer is more than a stereotype and a website. It’s a way of life. Ever wonder what happened to all those bushy tailed, fashion-Keffiyeh-wearing Creative Writing majors that went to law school for Burmese asylum cases? They’re in the office next to you working on McDonald’s debt offerings and drafting in the passive voice, their will to live creativity successfully beaten out of them after years of getting points off for failing to cite every sentence and enduring Civil Procedure puns. Neither vicious persecution nor death could crush Anne Frank’s spirit, but then again, she never attended law school.
Since it’s certain that you’ll eventually join your friends at Club Bitter, the real question is, just how bitter will you become?
A graphical representation follows after the jump.



The graph above shows student bitterness as a function of school rank, with bitterness levels ranging from “bitter” to “horrible person,” the maximum level of bitterness available. As you can see, students at T10 schools exhibit a medium level of bitterness, perhaps attributable to their sense of entitlement and raging contempt for others. Just outside of the top ten schools, bitterness peaks sharply and then plateaus at “horrible person,” until T40. The high bitterness levels may be due to the fact that many of these students feel that their undergrad “honors” program were just as good, IF NOT BETTER, than any Ivy League cesspool, and that their true birthright was to attend a T10 school with their intellectual peers and get a swank job at Skadden or Wachtell, and only by a cruel twist of fate did they wind up T14, surrounded by morons and jockeying with 37 other students for an OCI interview slot with Nixon Peabody. Students at T40 and lower, already at peace with the fact that they’ll never get a firm job and will ultimately have to file for bankruptcy, exhibit the lowest levels of bitterness.
You can transfer to a T10 or a T40+, but the cost-bitterness analysis doesn’t really pan out. Your boys are going down, Danny. I can’t stop it anymore.
Your friend,
Marin
Elie offers hope for the hopeless below.

The Mirror shows many things: things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass.
Now that you have seen what has always been right in front of your face, your greatest challenge is to stay true to yourself. Accepting the challenge of law school is to accept mortal struggle. You face a world where hope and even courtesy are discarded like the outgrown skins of a serpent. You must attempt to keep your own flame burning even as others deprive you of air.
What hope do you have of succeeding? Not much. Nothing more than a fool’s hope. Make no mistake, the wounds that you receive in law school will never fully heal.
Law school rewards conformity and mocks creativity. And you’ll see many fellow travelers abandon ideals and embrace despair.
Law school never loses, but it doesn’t always win. It is possible to wade through years of legal education and emerge with your soul fundamentally intact. You don’t have to become anti-social, you don’t have to measure your worth in job offers, and you certainly don’t have become obsessed with your own status. The critical eye of law school denizens never suspect the mind that doesn’t want to think like a lawyer.
At times, you will feel like the only sane person in a mad land. Hold fast to this feeling! It is your light when all other lights go out. Always swim upstream, always sail against the prevailing winds. The closer you are to actual experiences, the farther you will be from the empty victory of résumé padding.
Ultimately, this is your path and your life. If you cannot succeed, no one can.
— Lord Celeborn

Put simply, Elie’s advice is Vincent Price’s Thriller rap:

I dig it.
Do you have a question for next week’s Pls Hndle Thx? Send it to advice@abovethelaw.com.

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