pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: All About the Benjamins

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL –
Cravath Class of 2008 here. Just got my cool $7,500. What should I do with it? WOOT.
Daddy Warbucks

Dear Daddy Warbucks,
First off, congratulations on your $7,500* bonus. A bonus, however insultingly small, is still a bonus. You will be tempted to blow your megamillions on something frivolous like December rent or student loan payments; resist this urge. Do what I do with my monthly ATL paycheck: invest the principal and live off the interest. It’s the secret to a models and bottles lifestyle.
If you want to pamper yourself, get veneers on three teeth of your choosing or upgrade wives. If you’re feeling altruistic, throw some cheese at Art Cutillo because he’s probably not getting a bonus this year, or contribute to the World Wildlife Federation so the ice caps can stop melting and they can stop playing that commercial with the polar bears swimming to Sarah McLachlan music that make everyone very upset for the rest of the day. Or you can be prudent: save half and pay yourself a bonus next year just in case there is none.
Your friend,
Marin
*$3,850 after taxes

Wife upgrade? If your lady married you on the strength of your Cravath earning potential, you’re lucky if she’s not about to better deal you for the Goldman banker sitting next to her on the subway. I’d say it was time for you to start watching out for the pool boy, but you don’t have a pool.
These bonuses bring up a pretty interesting significant other issue. Back in the day, the Biglaw bonus provided an opportunity to say thank you to your spouse or significant other for sticking by you. I paid for my wedding with one of my bonuses. My wife bought me a fancy computer to facilitate my mid-career change. That’s how you show appreciation for all the missed dates and extra weight. Now that bonuses are negligible, what glue will bind marriages?
Of course, if you are single none of this matters. Why don’t you buy a new bed, your old one is probably worn out from all of that crazy, single person sex you’ve been having.
Good luck,
Friend of Goldman i-bankers.

If your point is that spouses must be bribed with parties and electronics and singletons actually save money by virtue of their unattached status, you are seriously misguided. Your wife spent what, $1,800 on your computer? Do you know how much dating classy people such as myself costs? The elimination rose ceremony alone is $1,800. Jennifer “my love don’t cost a thing” Lopez apparently never did online dating.
Do you have a question for next week’s Pls Hndle Thx? Send it to advice@abovethelaw.com.

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