pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: Is It In You?

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL,
So today I told the head of our group and the assigning partner that I was done with empty calorie document review (yes, I used that term). Their response was less than understanding — something about my needing to have a better attitude and that I need to understand that the choice assignment is not always available.

At what point should I contact a recruiter? Or is hanging my own shingle the only way to go?
— Take That

Dear Take That,
You know what I used to say when partners asked me to do my job? I told them to shove it! Ha ha! I told them to shove their shitty work right up their asses! And when they tried to trick me by responding that I’m actually gaining experience and a paycheck for my efforts, I’d say, “if you love the work so much, why don’t you marry it?!” Yes! And then the partners would burst into laughter, mumble something like “Oh, that Marin!” and then scribble “partner track” on my file. This happened at least seven times. And if you believe that, then I’ve got a watch to sell you.
The thing with “empty calories” — in life and in law firms — is that sometimes they’re worth it. You may think you’re getting zero litigation experience by doing doc review (and you’d be right), but in that case, why would a lateral firm hire you to do substantive work? Because they like the cut of your Bates stamp? Get out of here. And if you go your own way without any drafting experience, no one will be there to tell you to remove that ludicrous Henry David Thoreau opening quote from your brief. Sorry to say, your best chance of getting substantive work is to stay put and trust that one day they’ll replace your G2 with the real thing.
Your friend,
Marin
I channel the Ghost of Vacation Elie, after the jump.

Let’s get this out of the way first: are you mother$#(*%*)$ crazy? You just went up to a partner and told him that you didn’t like his assignments. That’s like walking up the practice group head at the holiday party and telling him that his wife is so ugly you wouldn’t bang her with the managing attorney’s d*ck. Not a smart move, unless you like lateral moves. And by lateral moves, I mean you –> lobby –> street. But hey, subsistence farming has its perks.
I know you don’t want to do doc review, but nobody asked what you wanted to do. Law firms aren’t democracies. They’re like Gitmo for associates with Jack Nicholson patrolling the fence line. You follow orders. You follow orders or people die. Is that clear?
We all do things we don’t want to do but we have to man up to do them or face the consequences. Look, some days I don’t want stop playing Rock Band, but I do it because my wife will divorce me so I can start drinking. We all have to make choices, and you choose to work at a law firm. So get back into that partner’s office, tell him you were drunk on Nyquil or temporarily insane or whatever you need to tell him that you’re sorry, you love doc review, sweet beautiful doc review and that if he needs you you’ll be back at your desk eating your empty calorie lunch and chasing it with some humble pie.
— Jared the Subway Guy.

Who can argue with the host of Vacation Elie?
Do you have a question for next week’s Pls Hndle Thx? Send it to advice@abovethelaw.com.
Earlier: Prior installments of pls hndle thx

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