Last week, we told you about a Cornell contracts exam gone bad.
It’s just one exam, but you know that Cornell law students can be somewhat skittish. The school is ranked #13 by U.S. News, and so their spot in the top-14 is always under attack.
After our story about the contracts exam, one Cornell law student did some research about the school and its competitors. He put together a pretty interesting rankings of law schools — based entirely on Above the Law coverage.
Below, we reprint his (admittedly nutty) message to the Cornell listserv in full. If members from other schools want to do something similar, feel free to check out our archives for ammunition against your competitors.
For now, enjoy this humorous take on law school rankings:
THE IMPACT OF THE RECENT CONTRACTS EXAM SCANDAL ON CORNELL’S U.S. NEWS & WORLD REPORT RANKING
**For internal distribution only**
As a concerned member of the student body who has pegged his fortunes to Cornell’s reputation with the tenacity of a Chinese currency-manipulator, I too am alarmed as I watch our cherished Lady Gaga dragged through the mud by news-hungry bloggers and the vampiric horde of anonymous commentators who sink their fangs into our tender underbelly and drain the lifeblood from our corpse. But in these times of disquiet we must remember that out of chaos rises a new and better order of things. Indeed, by plunging headlong into the ruthless First Amendment battleground that comprises the pages of an internet tabloid, our institution may have lost today’s battle, but will win tomorrow’s war. How so? Let’s take a look though the Above the Law archives, and see how America’s other elite law schools are doing:
I. The Barbarians at the T14 Gate
Vanderbilt is actually looking pretty good. Brilliant, in fact. Watch out for these guys.
But how are things in Texas? We’re not supposed to mess with them, I guess because their instructors have done a fine job of that all by themselves:
So if the students don’t have grades, is it any wonder they have to work as nannies?
Given that Texas students specialize in nanny work, some 1L’s reminded employers that Texas law students lacked practical legal experience.
Mind you, gate-barbarians aren’t known for being uncouth. Over at UCLA, students apparently swallow whatever the admins force down their throats without question.
II. Our Peers
Think the Cornell listerv wars are bad? Try unsubscribing as a Berkeley student:
Admittedly, getting attacked over email is a walk in the park. At Penn, they keep it real. http://abovethelaw.com/2008/03/whats-going-on-at-penn-law/
At Northwestern, words are like bullets…
… which might explain why they have trouble properly demarcating the boundaries of the Second Amendment…
… but who can blame them, when their PC police are also on the wrong side of the law?
At Michigan, students apparently prefer crimes of passion to crimes of violence.
While cerebral Chicago law students limit themselves to quasi-white-collar offenses.
At Georgetown, alleged plagiarists are not only admitted, but then flourish:
But who cares, when a Gtown diploma apparently isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on?
Duke law students seem to walk the straight and narrow, but still crack under pressure…
… which is okay, because we all know they’re all just a bunch of douches.
III. The Usual Affixations of Our Myopia
1L’s, did you win the Spring Semester Contracts GPA lottery? Thinking about trading up this summer? Well, think again.
First of all, going to a T5 school apparently doesn’t improve your employability:
But at least at Yale you can learn an alternate skill.
Looks like NYU and Contracts exams don’t mix either:
… and even the Chosen threaten the administration and scream at their future employers.
So maybe uptown NYC is more your style? Well, you’ve got options. But it’ll cost you. Columbia makes you pay for plastic forks:
… which apparently makes beggars out of their students.
And what do you get for all of that money? As the old saying goes, you can’t buy good taste for a few hard-earned dollars.
How about Harvard?
IV. The Rankings
Based on this evidence, I will now devise a metric assessing the reputational damage done to the barbarians, peers, and myopia-affixations in the law school elite, and use this assessment to predict the rankings of the upper crust of U.S. News rankings next year.
In this ranking, criminal activity is more serious than racism/homophobia, which in turn is more serious than exam tomfoolery, which in turn is more serious than bad taste/douchbaggery, which in turn is more serious than spinelessness. Poor judgment by Career Service officers results in automatic exile to the Second Tier. Acts of ingenuity and comparisons to pop singers will be strongly rewarded. Schools avoiding ATL altogether will remain in the same ranking slot last year. Given these criteria, the 2012 U.S. News Rankings shall be:
14. Georgetown (ranked #14 no matter what they do)
As you can see, given the rampant criminality, discrimination, tomfoolery and douchebaggery of our bretheren, Cornell, like Cinderella, has finally shed its status as the armpit Ivy League law school to become what ATL predicted several months ago: a T14 rock star. Had we listened to the propaganda promulgated by [Redacted] and stayed off the ATL radar completely, we would have been stuck at #13. As a result of our participation in the marvelous engine of First Amendment transparency that is the internet, our superior morals have shone forth and have been rewarded. Please note that, having achieved hallowed “T5” status, every Cornell student should now feel free to post his or her legal resume on craigslist in the hopes of gaining employment:
However, we should not simply rest on our laurels. In order to move even further up the rankings, I encourage all of you to submit multiple tips to ATL next year, documenting the all things, big and small, that make Cornell a great place to be. I am confident that if we work together to bombard ATL with news of Cornell’s overabundance of radiance and joy, we can move even further up the reputational rankings. Understandably, the success of this initiative depends on us keeping this campaign a secret, so that ATL does not accuse us conspiring to “game” the rankings. In that respect, please restrict your communication of ideas, strategies, and responses to the Cornell student listserv, or with members of the Cornell Law School faculty or administration.
Watch out, Vanderbilt. Here we come.