pls hndle thx, Technology

Pls Hndle Thx: Ok Computer

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Hey Above the Law,

I am a litigation associate at a well-respected established Denver firm. My computer is 6 years old. Yes, six, as in SIX M*****F*****G YEARS OLD.

It is safe to guess that I spend at least 10% of my time waiting for the computer to do something stupid, like print or open a word document. All of this time, of course, is billed to the client. A win-win for the firm, no? Not only do we not buy a computer, but we get higher bills because it takes longer to do a mundane task! Yippee!

My question, for you to handle of course: is it ethical to bill a client for time spent waiting for a six (yes six) year old computer to do some stupid little task? Should I be instructing partners to cut my time by at least (an additional) 10-20% based on the computer?

— Reboot

Dear Reboot,

As I type this on my five-year-old piece of garbage IBM Thinkpad that whirs as if it’s about to take flight at any moment, I feel your pain. It took me literally three hours to upload pictures to Facebook the other day, and the entire time my computer panted like a fat person on an elliptical. Will I get a new computer any time soon? You bet your sweet bippy I won’t…

First of all my tax refund wasn’t enough, and second of all, if you get a new computer before your old one is totally, unquestionably 100% dead, and either won’t turn on or a white dove flies across the black screen (this can happen, I’ve seen it), the computer wins.

You see, when people invent technology, they invent two things at the same time: the thing itself, and then the upgraded thing that will ultimately replace it. They do this shit all the time with Apple products – like invent the iPhone or the iPod and have newer, better models waiting in the wings so they can rob of your money on a consistent basis every six months. Even if you’re on to these dirty tricks and still cling to laser discs and car phones out of spite two way me, all technology is pre-programmed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Your computer is already experiencing motor problems and it is only a matter of time until it is completely paralyzed. So before you direct partners to cut your time, let nature take its course. This is fair to the client because your new computer will be too fast. Patience, Iago.

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Your friend,

Marin

Your desire to be moral and ethical with regards to your billing impresses me. Obviously, it’s totally false, but it’s a very nice angle to get your firm to update your hardware. If this “lawyer” thing doesn’t work out, you’ve got a future as a “pay me money or you won’t get into heaven” clergyman.

You should do everything you can to get your firm to upgrade your system. The technology offered by top American law firms is embarrassing, and the geezers who run your department need to stop sticking you with a machine whose Pentium is powered by a monkey on a bicycle.

How many of you out there are reading this on a machine that has trouble opening attachments? Or a machine that can’t handle the latest Adobe software? Or a machine that you have to restart multiple times a day because it will occasionally freeze for no effing reason?

Oh, but I bet the firm’s library — which nobody has been into since orientation — is really quite nice. I bet there’s a bunch of tasteful art on the walls. I bet the lobby floor is plush. Firms will spend money to keep up the appearances when clients come by, but when it comes to giving people the tools they need to work efficiently, the wallet tightens up like a shy sphincter.

Honestly, is there any more basic thing a lawyer needs than a functional computer? Firms will buy you a BlackBerry — so they can exude totalitarian influence over every second of your life — but they won’t shell out for hardware you need to actually perform your job. And don’t even think about asking them for a firm-issued laptop when you have to travel. I’ve seen 50-year-old lifetime prostitutes in better shape than those things.

You’re right, Mr. or Ms. Reboot. You need to take this fight directly to the partners, by any means necessary. Don’t bother with your snooty IT department — those people won’t think your computer is a problem until it shoots laser beams at your balls at the exact moment the IT guy happens to be in the room.

You should pull a Tom Cruise in the Firm and start mailing your clients, telling them to subtract 20% off of their payments to your firm because of its technological malpractice.

— Ernesto Guevara

Earlier: Prior installments of pls hndle thx

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