Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to [email protected]
Ed. note II: Holy s**t.
I was a summer associate at a mid-sized AmLaw 100 firm in ’07, where I was assigned a mentor (hereinafter “Mentor”) who was a junior associate that summer. I am now a junior-ish associate at the firm, and Mentor is a mid-level in my department. Mentor continues to be a good friend, and we often hang out outside of work. At work, Mentor is responsible for channeling a lot of work my way and is my go-to person for questions and review. Partners and other associates widely regard Mentor as the rising star in our department….
UPDATE: What follows contains adult content. There are no images, but there is description of sexual activity. We’ve placed the rest of the discussion after the jump; if you think you might be offended, stop reading here.
Mentor is very attractive, straight, and non-homophobic. So non-homophobic, in fact, that last fall, after some friendly badgering and drinking, he let me fellate him while he watched lesbian porn. Much to my delight, Mentor found this arrangement convenient/pleasurable/better than his hand/whatever, and it continued sporadically for a few months.
In January, Mentor got a steady girlfriend and my “services” were not further retained. I completely understood and was happy for them.
Cut to two weeks ago, Mentor and I are at a summer event at a bar, when Mentor suggests that we “resume services” occasionally. This felt not OK with me – Mentor and his girlfriend have been exclusive and serious for several months now – so I declined, mentioning not wanting to interfere and feeling weird about the girlfriend not knowing. Mentor has since repeated the suggestion and dismissed my concerns as non-threatening to his relationship and voiced frustration that the girlfriend doesn’t let him watch porn during sex. I am still not comfortable with this situation. On the other hand, I think that continuing to help him out will secure my friendship and working relationship with Mentor. I credit him as the reason I was not laid off, and Mentor will probably be a partner in my department in a few years. I also rather enjoy having his erection in my mouth. Should I keep being such a sucker?
Ah, the old “should I routinely perform oral sex for a straight male co-worker who watches lesbian porn while bitterly complaining about his girlfriend in order to strengthen our friendship and secure great work” question. We get this every week.
The short answer is: if you don’t care that you’re cuckolding Mentor’s girlfriend or that this dude is essentially pulling rank on you/sexually harassing you in order to get you to re-administer “services,” then administer away. If you do care (and it sounds like you do), then stop NOW and GTF away from this dude and GTFO of that working environment. But it’s your call re: whether you value your job over your dignity.
Other assorted thoughts:
1. Question has to be fake.
2. If you’re trading oral sex for registered debt offerings, time to reevaluate.
3. Remember to ask Elie if answering this question will ruin my Google footprint.
4. If a straight guy receives oral sex from another guy and a tree falls in the woods, does it count if there’s lesbian porn?
5. Excited to see traffic numbers on this post.
Obviously, you’re being harassed and thus you have all of the legal remedies available to any person in that situation. You don’t have to take this.
Unless you want to. And it kind of sounds like you do (not that there’s anything wrong with that). You’re not really asking a sexual harassment question, you’re asking for moral guidance on whether it’s okay to help your mentor cheat on his girlfriend. The work relationship only slightly complicates the situation.
I can’t give you any moral guidance — because I’m a liberal and that’s not how we roll. But I’m a big proponent of “you don’t s*** where you eat.” It’s a very good rule and people ignore it at their peril. But since you’ve already done the deed, there’s really only one way you can go: be the best “sucker” you can be.
If you are going to bang somebody that you work with, a superior no less, then you simply must do so with the highest quality. Your mentor should spend his frigid nights with his girlfriend dreaming of your mouth. You’re at a severe power imbalance, and the only way to flip it is to have the mentor constantly desperate for your stuff.
Sadly, it appears that your mentor doesn’t really like you, he likes the things you let him do. It sounds like you’re engaged in some low-grade prostitution instead of a passionate love affair. If this guy could get a duck to suck while watching lesbian porn, it sounds like he would.
If it were me (and I can’t imagine what kind of dystopian, future-Elie world would have to happen to put me in your situation) I’d take my sexual harassment settlement and walk away. Orally stimulate as many men as you like, but don’t be a sucker.
– Guy who keeps his kitchen clean
Earlier: Prior installments of pls hndle thx